New York's wild animals are friggin boring. I was walking around today and what did I see? A lame squirrel or two. Yawn. Maybe some pigeons standing around doing nothing or whatever. Some squeaky birds cluttering up some hedge having a private conversation. That's about it as far as animals go 'round these parts. Sure there's mice and rats in hiding-- but they don't really count. And beyond that? Nadda. We got no wild flamingoes running around! No mini horses roaming the back alleys! Nothing exotic and dangerous is on the loose! We got no packs of nothing! No prehistoric herbivore herds! Not even devolved bunnies shaped like footballs rolling around the subways! Nothing!
No green glowing screech monkeys. No giant owls that can carry off children. Nothing with two or three heads. No crouched panthers on our ledges. Not even goats digging through our garbage cans! Hey, just because we live in the city doesn't mean we don't like Koala bears wearing sunglasses hanging around too! So we don't have a huge rainforest-- that doesn't mean I can't get a kick out of seeing a lemur jump into some lady's hair and scratch her face?!
Isn't it time we started shipping some new animals in here and letting em loose! Yeah yeah some people might complain about the 'ecosystem' being destablized or whine about the ape shit everywhere-- but isn't all that a small price to pay for some new animal entertainment?! You're telling me if you're sitting at some outdoor cafe and some screaming monkey ran up and snatched your breadroll you wouldn't applaud while peeing and then reach for your camera?! Of course! Who wouldn't!
But nooo... we gotta stare at chicken-ass squirrels twist up trees or robot pigeons only programmed to be food desperate wanderers. Whenever something new comes into the play they send friggin news crews out to film the freakishness of some new species in the park! Red Tail Hawk nest. Yay. A beaver family moved into Central Park and we moved them out or ate them or whatever. Great. That's the animal excitement for the year?
I'd even take some evolution with the animals we already have! Supersize our pigeons and give them acid spit or something! Get our mice flying! Let them dogfight sparrows overhead! Import a large pack of something new and kooky! And if it they get out of control-- we can simply create brand new species that likes to eat them! And if that new species falls into the monster mammalia-- so be it! We don't have any monsters right now! Not one!
But let's start off simple--- Urban Penguins . Boom done. Everybody loves a good stupid penguin wandering around. Always good for a laugh or a kick. We can get them all hightop sneakers too! (Branding opportunity to raise money for schools? Knock knock, Adidas!) Think about what it would do for tourism! Think how much fun a day would be if there were penguins in high-tops everywhere! Let them drive little cars if they want to! Let them be totally ineffective bouncers! There's lots of stuff you can do with some city penguins! Including teaching them to deliver mail or paint buildings!
And if they don't work out-- we can just import some penguin eating dingos and then give them a shot at being the Official NYC New Out of Control Animal Species while they take care of our penguin infestation! Try and think of one reason this is a bad idea! Just one! Stumped?! I thought so...