My Bloody Valentine 3-D

I was really excited for this movie. I was all pumped up for 3-D just like I was back in the day when I saw 'Parasite' in 3-D. I'm such a sucker for gimmicks that even if they're old gimmicks I'm like all over them. Special glasses? Sold! 12:20 matinee! Friday! Sandwich! Chips! Potato Salad (was gross didn't eat it)! Soda! Boom done! A friend came along too! We were both all set for some dumb in-your-face fun! We got to the theater and it was mobbed. I was like, 'Oh no! Mobbed theater!' I was scared we were gonna get cruddy seats and the 3-D would be all wonked or off to the side or something. But fortunately the crowd was for Notorious. Phew. My Bloody Valentine only like 20% filled.

Anyway, on the ticket line in some random guy asked me where we get the 3-d glasses for the movie. I didn't know. I assumed they'd be handing them out at the door or something but when we got up to the 7th floor-- nobody was around. People were confused. Someone in the hallway mumbled something about them handing out the glasses to people right before the movie starts. We all went with that. Even though I was like, 'That seems... not.... right.' I tried to find the logic in an usher going around from seat to seat handing out glasses and couldn't snag onto anything that made any sense.

But we were early and I wasn't too concerned. Commercials went by. No glasses. A rocknroll National Guard ad. No glasses. Previews start up and I'm like, 'WTF! Where are the stupid glasses?!' I started to wonder if we needed the glasses at all. Maybe they developed some new 3-D technology that worked like Magic Eye! Like all you needed to do was relax your eyes and sort of cross them coo-coo and then... No! That's not right! That's not right at all! I went into a panic! Something was wrong! They forgot to give us the glasses! We were a lone theater on the 7th floor! Matinee! They forgot! There's was no 'hand them out once everyone has their seat' policy! The theater was murmuring at this point about the no-glasses confusion. So I decided to be the audience hero and fix the situation! I went for em! With the A-Team music in my head I sprung from my seat and ran down the aisle hearing imaginary 'Go! Go! Go!' from the audience. I burst out the doors and saw a guy across the way with a broom and dust pan. I jogged toward him and said, "You're just the guy I'm looking for!" The guy looked scared and surprised I was talking to him.

I asked him where we get the 3-D glasses for the movie. He stared at me for a second then he was like, 'They... they... they....'He had a stutter (swear) But I was patient. 'They... they they....' I'm finishing his sentence all rushed in my head, 'They're coming up right now!' Or maybe, 'They're downstairs at the ticket window!' Or maybe 'They're under the seats!' Finally he got through the stutter, 'They they... They didn't get it... it.. in thruh thruh three dee.' (Come again?) I processed what he said and my eyes went wide in 2-D. (Could it be possible?) They didn't get it in thruh thruh three fucking dee!?! I walked back to the theater in a crushing haze of disbelief in what my stuttering friend told me. What I was about to see wasn't in 3-D. It was simply a 3-D movie being shown in 2-D. Like when it's on TV! I sat down and informed my friend of the new horror of this horror movie. I said it loudly so the theater would get my report. 'This isn't in 3-D!' (Some hero). I thought about leaving and getting my money back. But I stayed. Bad call.

The movie starts up with very "3-D style" credits. Just the start of what would be the running disappointment throughout this crime of an experience. Like when the guy gets hit in the back of the head with a pick-axe and the eyeball pops out right at us? Or the 3-D smash of a tree branch crashing through the windshield? Or how bout the boobs bouncing in our faces in 3-D (maybe?) Or the double barreled shotgun pointed right at the audience? I bet all that stuff would be wicked coolio in 3-D! But it just friggin wasn't in 2-D! In fact every fun part had some built in element of 3-D that I was robbed of! Every action scene was disappointing and looked stupid! So all I had to focus on was the dopey movie in its raw bones form! And trust me, the plot didn't save the bullshit of it not being in 3-D. And by the finale which was an orgy explosion of 3-D-ery with flying bullets and swinging pickaxes--- I was simply furious. In 1-D.

Three Good Things About this Movie

- There's alot of boobs and full on nakedness.
- The plot did have a decent whodunitness to it.
- It seemed like it would have been fun... in 3-D!

Three Bad Things About this Movie

- It was repetitive. Same crap over and over.
- The scary guy wasn't scary enough.
- I saw no evidence for why this flick has any sort of good buzz.

All in all, obviously this movie became as fun as watching a 5-year old play pac-man once I found out that it wasn't going to be in 3-D. I still have no idea why they'd put it out not in 3-D. It's in the friggin title! My Bloody Valentine 3-D! Not My Bloody Valentine 3-D*!  Maybe it needs a special projector? Or maybe there's extra insurance or something with 3-D? Maybe the theater manager has had bad experiences in 3-D? Puke? Who knows. All I know is that if you're heading out to see this movie... DOUBLE! CHECK!.

So THIS!  Doesn't look like this. And this :-) doesn't look like this :-(