Captain America

If someone sent out a memo telling me why I need to be excited for 'The Avengers' movie-- I wasn't CC'd on it. Now that I've been pummeled with the mediocre at best hodgepode of random characters that make up 'The Avengers' (cough) I gotta admit each new movie makes me a notch less interested. Am I really supposed to be psyched up for a clunky mashup starring Thor, Captain America, Iron Man, and Hulk? Not to mention the gaggle of no name sub-super zeroes wandering around like extras waiting to get captured or clipped? Hawkeye? Black Widow? Blue Douche? or whatver...

It's one thing to see these characters side by side talking and fighting in a comic book-- but the image the group photo that is The Avengers in 'real life' seems closer to a Broadway musical reimagining rather than a realistic superhero movie. Thor looks like he's overdressed for Halloween and Captain America with his fancy boots and shield seems like he should be fighting alongside The Greatest American Hero or The Shoveler. If it wasn't for the spark of Tony Stark I'd bet the lot of them would easily get pummeled by friggin GWAR. And seriously, enough with the Sam Jackson eye patch wander out dickweedery-- as if that helps. I've had enough with his 'showing up' and gracing us with his presence after yet another limpwanged super-mess. Great. Nick Fury. Eyepatch. Whatever. Granted, he's been a bad-ass mofo from time to time-- but let's not get carried away with Sam Jackson's appearance as if we don't see the guy enough? The tease is already old. For me it registers with the same impact as a thumbprint on the icing of a rapidly molding greenish cake.

Anyway, Captain America. Yawn. This flick falls somewhere between Thor and Iron Man II in terms of quality. Watchable at best. Stinky cheesery at worst. And in terms of superhero relevance, Captain America should just stay in the 50's where he can still be seen as 'kickass'. Not playing in the big leagues with real power players. Dude doesn't even have a cool vehicle!  And Ooh la la with your vibrating shield. Stay home and use that thing on 21st century girlfriend, Cap'n-- because as far as I can tell Iron Man can splatter you all over the street without even getting off the phone. What's your super power again? Punching hard? Running fast? Deflecting stuff? C'mon. You're not even smart! Let's get real about the movie world uselessness of 'Captain America'.

As I sat there staring at this watered down hyper-extended trailer, the only anticipation I felt was for the ending. It was boring. The WWII / Nazi stuff was somewhat fun but got old fast. Red Skull looked like a twin to Jim Carrey's Mask. Turn Red Skull green and he would have been more at home busting out a dance rendition of Cuban Pete than 'taking over the world'. Or whatever he was up to. Which made no sense. Whatever! As for the action? It was mainly montage-- and fairly laughable. Almost a spoof.

Maybe I'm just worn out on a hugely disappointing summer for movies. Or tired of the overlong flogging gimmick promise of The Avengers. But there's a good chance I'm all alone in my attitude-- because the movie theater erupted in applause when Nick Fury walked out after the credits. Really? Cheers?! After a lazy and dated showing like Captain America-- in my book, the whole Avenger concept has hardly earned stripes worthy of a single hoot or holler.

Three Good Things About this Movie

- I did like the initial buildup to the creation of Captain America.
- I was proud that I resisted seeing it in 3D. Screw that.
- The sound was pretty great.

Three Bad Things About this Movie

- No darkside. No insecurity. Equals. No fun.
- Personality all around was an afterthought.
- He looked ridiculous in his little patriotic outfit.

All in all, I know I'm harshing pretty bad on the whole concept of The Avengers. But doesn't 'The Avengers' seem overly cartoony already? Of courssse, I'll be seeing the movie next summer first thing (because I'm that guy)-- but I really have concerns about the movie eventually coming across as a straight-up comedy. The vision of Thor stuffed in the backseat of some Prius. Captain America poking at an iphone with a gloved hand. It's lame. And Iron Man's comparable super duper powers just makes the whole thing seem off-balance. And worst of all, the only interesting superhero of the bunch is Hulk. I like Hulk! Hulk smash! Hulk have inner turmoil! Second Hulk movie is best of batch!

 But in my reality this Avenger series already looks like goofy cosplay-- killing time until The Dark Knight (or Spidey) shows up and dismisses them all back to the yellowed funny pages...