On the way out of the theater after seeing this movie a Hollywood exec goon
grabbed me on the shoulder to stop me from walking past.
He was wearing sunglasses and had his shirt buttoned down too low and he was smoking a cigarette even though we were inside.
Here's the conversation:
Hollywood Goon: So?
Me: Umm.... so...?
Hollywood Goon: So what did you think of dat new bat shit?
Me: It was ok I guess...
Hollywood Goon: Just ok? What are you talking about?! That shit was great!
Me: If you say so...
Hollywood Goon: I say so! It was smarter and shit!
Me: Uh huh.... great.
Hollywood Goon: Hey! We listened to you assholes complain about the last Batman shit so now we gave you what you wanted, right?
Me: I guess.
Hollywood Goon: You asked for some darker unflashy superhero batshit! Some more reality shit or whatever. Dats what you wanted, right?
Me: Yeah I guess we did...
Hollywood Goon: And you wanted some of that psychomological shit too! We threw some of that psycho shit all over the place for you fucks!
Me: I know. I know. I just thought it would be more fun is all...
(The goon hocks a loogie and spits it at my feet.)
Hollywood Goon: Oh! Nowww you want fun again? You fucks ain't never satisfied! We gave you tons of fun wit dat Schumacher schmuck and all I's heard was shit about how it sucked shit!
Me: But that one wasn't fun either...
Hollywood Goon: You want Robin Williams as your next Batman?
Hollywood Goon: Do you... want Robin Williams.... as your next Batman?
Hollywood Goon: Then shut the fuck up on the fun shit!
Me: Maybe we coulda had a cool villain with a fun plan or...
Hollywood Goon: You little prick! You're gonna get a fuckin smack! I don't want to hear complaints! You asked for this shit!
Me: I know but...
Hollywood Goon: We even got one of dem candyass arthouse directors to smarten shit up! You don't like him now either?
Me: He just seemed like a weird fit. Like I'm not sure he knew how to do action. I don't even know why he did this movie...
(At this point the Goon slapped me on the side of the head.)
Hollywood Goon: Listen, fucker! You all asked for some dark knight shit! We gave you dark knight shit! You wanted it to be smarter we made this shit smarter!
Me: It didn't seem so smart.
Hollywood Goon: Or maybe you're stupid.
Me: I might be... I guess. It just seemed sorta... boring...
Hollywood Goon: Boring? Ok! How bout next time we just mix in some Batwife and Batkids, and throw in a Batdog and a Batbird and make the next one all fucked up family style?! You want dat?
Hollywood Goon: Dats right! Fuckin-Bat-Motherfuckin-Bird! McDonalds would eat dat shit up!
Me: Look, I'm just saying it moved a little slow and I just wanted to laugh once in a while and the action wasn't all that good and I got bored and...
(At this point the Goon put me in a headlock and rammed my head into a garbage can and threw me on the floor.)
Hollywood Goon: There! You happy now? You ain't bored anymore, right?
Me: No sir.
Hollywood Goon: Good! Now go out and tell your friends to go see this batshit! And buy some batcrap merchandise too!
Hollywood Goon: And tell everyone dat this is the best Batman ever because it's all respectablefied and shit.
Me: Maybe next time you could just...
Hollywood Goon: Robin Williams! I swear, you shithead. Shut up now or he goes right in the suit. He'd do it too...
Me: I know. I know he would.
(As I try to get up the goon holds me down with his foot)
Hollywood Goon: And you liked Katie Holmes right?
Me: Actually she really sucked. Or it might of been the dialogue I couldn't...
(The hollywood goon pushes down hard on my chest with his foot.)
Hollywood Goon: You know you're talking about Mrs. Cruise, right? You call her Mrs. fuckin Cruise.
Me: Mrs. Fuckin Cruise... sucked totally.
(The goon kicks me in the gut twice.)
Hollywood Goon: Take that shit back.
Me: I take it back! She's great! She's great!
(The goon helps me off the floor and dusts me off.)
Hollywood Goon: Sorry bout dat. Business is business yknow.
Me: Uh huh...
Hollywood Goon: So... Best Batman ever, right?
Hollywood Goon: Say it.
Me: Say what?
Hollywood Goon: Best... Batman... ever.
Me: Best... Batman... ever.
Hollywood Goon: Good. Now get the fuck out of here before I decide to put the Batusi all over that MTV shit and make you dance that shit at some bar mitzvah.
(The goon pats me on the back as I walk out the door.)
Hollywood Goon: Tell your friends! Best ever... Kapeesh?
Me: Ok... Hollywood Goon.
Hollywood Goon: Mister Hollywood Goon!
Me: Mister Hollywood Goon...
Hollywood Goon: Mister Hollywood Goon what?
Me: Mr. Hollywood Goon... sir?
Hollywood Goon: Right. You're getting it. And best Batman ever?
Hollywood Goon: Mork in the suit.... with nipples! He'll play with them too and talk like a southern girl! And we'll put a batbird right on his fuckin shoulder...
Me: Best ever! Best ever!
Hollywood Goon: You're learning kid... you're learning....
(three good things three bad things can be found there.)