Wow. I saw the new Jim Carrey like a few hours ago and I just sat down to write this and I swear I couldn't even remember the friggin title. I'm not sure if that's a sign that my memory is getting worse or just more selective...

Oh yeah... "Bruce Almighty"

Uch. More like Bruce Allsucky! (that joke is on a par with this movie) The Majestic was an acceptable disaster. This movie is not. It's unacceptable.

Here's the thing. I like Jim Carrey. Alot. I thought Ace Ventura was brilliant and Dumb and Dumber is a classic. But what can you do at this point if you're Jim Carrey? You can't go back to being super dumb. You can't do the straight and romantic. You've done the character thing. You put on the makeup. What's left? Where do you go?... Well the one place you don't go is into a crapazoid movie like this.

There's two big problems with this movie. One, this movie plays everything so safe. So frickin safe I wanted to throw up from its safenicity. Packaged so neatly to be a hit that it forgot to be a good movie. And two. Too much Jim Carrey. I felt there was too much of his face on the screen. Too much of his voice. Too much trying. Too much slappy wrestling with himself. I'm tired of the Jim Carrey Show in its present form. He should go dark (dark dark not cable guy dark). Or demented. Partner up. Smaller movies. Risk. Take meaty supporting roles or whatever. Because he's at the end of his rope with here scene. This movie is a cheap shot hit.

In this motionless picture, Jimbo get the powers of God for a week. And as soon as he gets 'the power' the movie lays there like a rock. I mean...  he uses his infinite powers to make the dog pee in the toilet? And get his career back on track?!? It's like.... please. If you want to make a movie where someone has the power of God. Bring out the special effects and lets have a field day. Let him crown himself king of the world and throw a party for the whole universe and go off the rails and orgy- and then syrup it up by letting him find out what's important or whatever. None of this 'Oooh look! I get to drive a sports car now!'... yippee ki yawn...

At first the movie does pull out of the garage with some promise and it cruises for like 15 minutes- but it careens off the road and into a big mud puddle. Then it spins its wheels for the full rest of the movie. And Jim doesn't even get out of the car to push. He just sits there gunning it and beeping the horn- thinking he's fooling us into believing he's cruising. He's not cruising. He's just running out of gas. What he needs to do now is just step out of the car and get dirty. So we don't have to sit through a boring movie where he plays a successful TV news reporter who bangs Jennifer Aniston... but he's mad at God for his terrible unfair life. (Reality check for those screenwriters. Put down the straw, take your head off the mirror, and go outside for some fresh air.)

Three Good Things About This Movie

- Steve Carell's newscast was the high point of the movie.
- Jennifer Aniston's boobs were focused on and bounced around and she touched them at one point.
- The kids in the theater seemed to like it and it was fun to hear them laugh at the goofy stuff.

Three Bad Things About This Movie

- You could see them all acting. Including Morgan Freeman (which is rare).
- The dog peeing schtick got old in the frickin previews..
- It ended on such a sugary syrupy note that it pathetically drained all remaining life out of the movie in the final 15 minutes. Horrible.

Here's the deal. Jim Carrey has gotten rich and conservative on our dimes. But the money isn't enough for him. Unfortunately he now is addicted to our love. And he's obsessed with our relationship. He wants to do everything perfect to make sure we're happy and don't leave him. But he's getting boring now. He's too sunny. And he better shake things up immediately or the relationship is over. Hopefully it won't come to that. Or years from now him I can picture him crawling back talking about how he "changed". And how he's different now. And he'll be telling me this through his buttcheeks. And at that point it will just be sad.