Constantine

So I lumbered out of my apartment today to catch a 12:15 show today. I picked up bagel with scallion, wasabis, three musketeers, and a water. I got to the theater just in time and was disappointed to see that it was pretty crowded. I had to make the decision to either take a bad seat on the side or sit next to someone in the middle. I decided on the middle. I scanned the crowd for the most harmless looking non-psycho non-talker with an empty seat next to them. I picked out this chick and plopped down next to her to her dismay. I felt a little bad. I know what it's like to feel like you're in the clear and no one is gonna sit next to you- then at the last second some goofball sits down and starts rustling around in his coat taking out his friggin lunch. I was quiet as I could be and even sucked my wasabis soft to minimize the crunch.

Ok here's a quick summary of this junkyard junker:

So like Neo is like a smoker who like deals with demons and there are like these demons that are doing stuff and they're all grumpy and stuff and there's this chick who is sort of a psychic and she's a twin and there's Gabriel the angel who's dicking around with stuff and like there's mumbo jumbo up the yinyang about how the world is gonna be all hella hell and how and Neo doesn't want that to happen but he's also sorta pissed because he's gonna burn in hell even though he's busy fighting demons and saving the world because god holds a grudge and stuff and the devil's son is all wanting to one up his old man with the help of this spear of destiny and then with the fire and the water with the lava and with the wings spreading and the Gavin Rossdale and the kid from Project Greenlight and the bible and the other bible and the wet shirts with the nipples and the growling with the crumbling and the smoke and the grace of god and the oh no save the world, Neo!

That really is what this movie is like. A big splattery swirly mess. The script is like spin art. The movie focuses is mainly on incoherence and aimlessness. That being said somehow I never clicked into hating this movie the way I assumed I would. Neo is painful to watch and listen to. The movie was long. A good healthy 80% chunk makes no sense and doesn't even bother to try to- but somehow scene to scene shot to shot there was something in there. I was interested (in what or why exactly...I dunno) but deep in the bowels of this movie there is some decent stuff in there. And the glimpses of that stuff kept my head half in the game. Granted if the projector broke half-way through and we all got our money back I would have probably been psyched- but I sat still in my seat and watched this jumble of hooha gooey hooey with a surprisingly high level interest even though I was thoroughly disinterested from the get-go.

Three Good Things About This Movie

- The demons looked cool and certain scenes were directed cool.
- The guy who played the devil (quiet bad guy from Fargo) was great. Although he was way late to the game.
- In general, besides Neo, I thought the acting was good.

Three Bad Things About This Movie

- I think they filmed the whole movie then decided to write the script.
- Neo was distractingly duddish.
- It was disturbing for me to realize my high level of tolerance for cinemacraptinity.

All in all basically it seems there's nothing to see out there in the movies right now. Not sure what's going on with movies lately but there seems to be a huge dropoff of stuff that I actually want to see. Hitch? Boogeyman? In Good Company? Gag. I just can't do it. So maybe that's why this movie seemed better than it was. Because sometimes when you really want something (anything!)... something is better than nothing. Unfortunately this movie is really only something poorly disguised as nothing, or more likely... vice versa.

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