Eastern Promises

I really didn't think I was going to see this flick. Not sure why. Maybe it just seemed sort of grey dreary and overly Ruskie-dank. Like it smelled like boiled potatoes and old cigarettes. But I really dug History of Violence which was Kroenburgers last flick so I figure I might as well give that wang the benefit of the doubt. I picked up a turkey sandwich with swiss and roasted peppers and mustard, 1/2 lb of (1/2 spoiled) macaroni salad (isn't 1/2 of all macaroni salad always spoiled?), watermelon chunks and a water. The theater was half-filled which I liked and I found a seat right on the aisle-- but of course right as the movie started some dude came in and sat down right in front of me... and he reeked of cigars. I looked around for a decent seat change and made my move. (although I was slightly annoyed throughout the whole movie that my seat wasn't quite as good as my original seat...)

I slunk down in my seat and saddled up to be half-bored for a couple hours-- but I sat up straight within a minute at the first scene which involved some teenager sawing some guy's neck open with a shaving razor. Totally gross-out violent style! I don't mind people's throats getting slit... but the sawing motion was disturbing. I started paying attention to this movie. Then Naomi Woods walked onto the screen. I whatevered her. I dunno. I'm not crazy about that chick. She seems like such an "actress". I couldn't help thinking a regular looking girl would be more exciting and less distracting. Hey movie jerks! Get me some regular chicks already! It's enough with beautiful girls taking up all the roles that can be played by anyone! Just cast who fits best in real life!

Anyway, this movie had a weird effect on me. While I was watching it I felt like I was liking it more than I was actually liking it. I couldn't decide if I was really into it or really not. Almost like one side of me was really digging it while another side of me was sort of half-bored and mind wandery. What's His Face (from LOTR) did a real good acting job but he was kind of distracting or something. I was like, 'Wow! That guy is a good actor!' (While totally ignoring his lines. That kind of thing.) But one thing that grabbed my attention and smashed it face first into the wall was an ammmazzzzzzzing fight scene with a naked What's His Face (from LOTR) (and, yes ladies, you get to see flashes of his wang, butt and balls!!) It seriously was a way coolio fight scene that in some ways saved the movie. Because I was just starting to feel myself fading on this flick when everything lit up with this rock-em sock-em naked slashdown.

So I know this isn't probably helpful or not in deciding if this movie is for you. One on hand I was interested-- but distracted. I wasn't emotionally walloped-- but I didn't not care. It seemed very different-- but was somehow standard stuff. I dug it enough-- but it didn't dig deep enough. And a side of me thought this flick was much better than I gave it credit for-- but for whatever reason... I don't have a desire to see it again.

Three Good Things about this Movie

- What's His Face (from LOTR) was really good.
- That one fight scene was the best fight scene since Kill Bill.
- It was depressingly upbeat.

Three Bad Things about this Movie

- It never got under my skin. It just sort of coated it.
- It's strangely undeservingly forgettable.
- I think it was five minutes too long.

All in all, although my level of straight out enjoyment of this flick was at a surprising low level considering how much I liked it. But it had a weirdly hypnotic effect on me. I couldn't stop staring at it. It creeped me out. It was different and had a weird vibe all over it. Most of the acting came through subtle and sharp. But I couldn't help noticing that while it was building the story, it also felt like it was busy building a wall.... making sure I didn't venture out and emotionally trespass.