(guest review from Jason from invasionofthebmovies.com!)
CONTAINS SPOILER!
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Esther
Normally my fiancee doesn't like horror movies and whenever I wanna see one
I have to beg and plead to go with me until she gets tired of me begging and
goes "ALRIGHT SHUT UP ALREADY!!" I had to do that with "The Orphan". Granted,
when I first heard about this movie, I said to myself "Another little kid goes
crazy and murders people" movie? Then I was intreged cause this one was rated R.
And when's the last time you saw and R-Rated horror movie? A long time. So I had
to see what that was about.
The movie starts and it takes forever to get all the backstory told. The mom
was a drunk, the little girl is deaf, the son is rather bland, and Peter
Gyllenhaal is there not playing a creepy guy this time around. We dive head
first into the lives of these people so much to the point where it's like I know
what to get them for Christmas.
Finally around the 30 minute mark, they talk about adoption cause their
third kid died before being born or something and a lot of time was spent crying
about this. They go to some orphanage run by nuns and look around at all the
kids.
I never thought about adoption but how exactly do you pick a kid to adopt?
Do you make them put on a presentation on why they're the best choice? Do they
have to write essays? If I was looking for adopting, I probably would do like an
"American Idol" thing and let it drag out for 18 weeks until it's down to two
kids and then pick the one kid that's popular now but will probably fade out of
the spotlight in a year. (Anyone remember Fantasia? My point exactly.)
Anyway.
So Peter hears some creepy singing upstairs and finds Esther alone in a
classroom painting. Despite the creepying singing, the stilted way she talks,
and the fact she doesn't seem to be popular among the other kids, Peter and Mom
picks her.
Esther arrives at home and Son is immedately ignored so he goes and looks at
porno mags in his treehouse. Esther is a fast learner, able to pick up sign
language and the piano within 20 minutes. Then the fucked up stuff starts
happening.
First Esther pushes some snotty little girl that she don't like off a slide.
Then when one of the nuns comes by to visit, Esther, who's making Deaf Girl tag
along, not only make her crash her car but she kills her with a hammer. Esther
threatens Deaf Girl so she don't tell. Then she threatens Bland Son not to tell
either by threatening to cut his nuts off.
Soon, Mom realizes something's up with Esther but Peter spends the entire
movie going "Nah, she's fine. You're the crazy one, drunk bitch who may or may
not be the cause of Deaf Girl being deaf." Esther could probably kill someone in
front of Peter and he'd be like "AWWW how precious!"
So Mom freaks out and starts investigating. Bland Son wants to help out by
looking for the evidence Esther hid after killing the nun, but Esther soon sets
the Treehouse of Porn on fire with Son locked inside it. He escapes by jumping
out but he breaks some bones.
After Esther tries to kill Son in the hospital, Mom totally freaks out,
beats the shit out of Esther and Peter checks Mom into the hospital to "calm
down." Then the REAL messed up stuff happens.
Oh and this is a spoiler so if you wanna see this movie just stop reading
here. I warned you.
Esther and Peter are at home alone and Esther dresses up like a slut and
tries to seduce a drunk Peter, who almost falls for it but then stops before
it's too late. Esther gets pissed and runs away. Mom gets a call in the hospital
from some Russian doctor who tells her that Esther isn't a 9-year-old girl...but
a 30-something midget!!
At this point in the movie, my fiancee turned to me and gave up on the
movie. Honestly, I didn't see it coming but it did sorta ruin all the fucked up
stuff that happened before that reveal. It was more messed up to think a kid was
doing all of that, and making another kid do it along with her. But now knowing
it was an adult doing it, makes it less weird, y'know?
So there's a big rush to get home to stop Esther, a cat-and-mouse game in a
dark house, a couple of fight scenes, and some tense moments when you don't know
who won the fight at the end. You gotta wonder though when the police did show
up at the end, what they thought when they heard "I had to kill her, she was
really a 30-year-old midget who killed everybody!!"
Three Things I Liked About This Movie:
1. The chick that played Esther was a good actress. She's a 12-year-old
playing a 30-year-old playing a 9-year-old DISGUISED AS ANOTHER DUDE! (No wait
scratch that dude part.)
2. How tense parts of the movie got.
3. How well Esther played Peter and Mom off of each other just simply being.
Thing Things I Didn't Like About This Movie:
1. The 30 minute build up. I could probably explain the booze, dead baby,
and deaf kid in probably 10 minutes.
2. Casting Peter Saarsgaard in a role that doesn't require him to be weird
and/or creepy. Really, it's just his voice. He talks like a calm serial killer.
3. The fact that Peter kept sticking up for Esther, despite the fact all
this fucked up stuff didn't start happening until she showed up. How much
evidence do you need, dude?
Overall, I do like this movie but I wouldn't watch it again. The twist at
the end, which I did like, was maybe the coward's way out. It's like the film
studio went and said "Well, we can't have a kid REALLY do all these things,
including dressing up like a slut and trying to get it on with Peter. So let's
say she's really an adult midget! YEAH!!" They might as well just say "Well,
let's just say she's a werewolf. That makes sense. YEAH!"
-Jason
invasionofthebmovies.com <<visit!