Just the name itself. Gigli. Gigli. They named the movie Gigli. Uch. This movie is probably the most disgusting thing on screen since Divine ate fresh dog poop off the street. How bad could this movie really be? The truth of the matter is... worse. Much much worse. It's one of those movies that has made the world slightly worse just by its very existence. And it sucks so bad that every time you think you saw the thing that has got to be the most sucky thing in the whole movie- it gets replaced by a string of other more memorable sucky sucks with a matter of sucky minutes..

All stars have the right to major flops. I guess. Some recover. Some don't. It depends on their power to bury things. To make things go away. To be lighthearted about their screwup. However, the public bigness in which Benafleck and J.Schmo live and their inflated self-importance will pump up the bigness of this flop. Sure I guess when you decide to make a movie it's always a gamble (and we all know how much benafleck likes to gamble) but if someone actually read the script they would have realized that this particular movie is like taking a hit on 21... when the dealer is showing a 6. 

You would think with all the people revolving around these two that someone would step in with like an creative intervention. To take J.Schmo aside and say... psst... Miss Schmopez? I'm not sure if you realize this. But do you know that you're playing character that is a lesbian who gets 'cured' in the end by going straight? Do you understand that is the message here? Do you realize that it's surrounded by a plot that seems like it was written by a string of bad writers standing in a row playing the telephone game. Stupid plot starts on one end and gets whispered in the ear of the next and passed along from next to next till it's babbled out all incoherently on the other end by some guy with bad breath who spits when he talks. Of course, if someone actually tried to point this out to Miss Schmopez, she would fire that person on the spot and then Benafleck would fire all the people responsible for allowing that person to get close to Miss Schmopez. Then they'd hop in their matching ferrari limousines to go get backrubs with the Shroud of Turin..

Gigli is directed by Martin Brest. Who did all a great service to all aspiring filmmakers who might be plagued with doubt. Because anyone who sees this movie will leave with one inspirational message. 'I can do better.' (And that includes the guy who's is working on a screenplay called 'The Return of Gigli'). This movie is horrid. Horrid and vomity. Benafleck and J.Schmo are equally awful and play awful off each other equally awfully. Not only should the movie theater be obligated to give refunds for all ticket purchases but Martin Brest should be waiting at the exit in a carnival booth sitting next to a rubberstamp that says 'UCH' and everyone who walks by gets to stamp his face.

Three Good Things About this Movie

- It was shot in focus.
- There was a 10-15 second stretch where is wasn't blindingly smelly. 
- Nothing.

Three Bad Things About this Movie

- Everything.
- It burns your eyes and ears.
- It makes you think about how much could have been done with the money to make this movie. Charity. Build a homeless center. Even flushed down the toilet would have been a better use for the money because maybe some fish could use the bills to make a fish nest or something.

After seeing this movie you might be begging for someone to invent the thing in Men in Black that blanks out your recent memory. Luckily I took care of that myself by not even going to see this flick in first place. Did I really need to? Some people might say I don't have the right to write a review for a movie that I didn't even go see. But I can smell it wafting out of the theater and down my street. The stench is so bad that I had to shut my windows and vacuum with Carpet Fresh.... so I think I earned the right due to that inconvenience.