An Exclusive Interview with Kick-Ass
I meet Kick-Ass at the local comicbook shop down the street. He's sitting at
a table next to a stack of comicbooks. A sign next
to him says 'Meet the Real Life Kick-Ass'.
Although the store is crowded nobody is paying much attention to Kick-Ass. He
looks angry about that.
Me: Hi Kick-Ass. Mind if I ask you some questions?
Kick-Ass: You got any coffee on you?
(I pat myself down.)
Me: No.
Kick-Ass: Do you think you can make that happen?
Me: What me get you coffay?
Kick-Ass: That would be Kick-Ass!
(He points superhero style at the front door. I don't move.)
Kick-Ass: I was just testing you. Glad you're not a sucker. Question me up!
(Kick-Ass makes double hand-signs of devil horns and sticks his tongue out.)
Me: OK. Question number one. Did you have diarrhea during the filming of the movie?
Kick-Ass: No. Next question.
Me: You looked like you had allergies or diarrhea or something.
Kick-Ass: Neither. Next question.
Me: Ok... Are you allergic to diarrhea...?
Kick-Ass: Nope. Next question.
Me: Because it could explain things a bit. In terms of how you look and smell... right now.
Kick-Ass: No-go on the diarrhea. What's next?
Me: Just to be clear, I'm not saying other people's diarrhea. I'm asking if you're allergic to your own diarrhea.
Kick-Ass: I made no diarrhea recently. Not allergic. Next.
Me: Are you sure? Because if you made diarrhea during the movie it's nothing to be embarrassed about...
Kick-Ass: I didn't make any diarrhea!!
Me: I heard rumors that you made diarrhea and the Diarrhea Institute has you on their website.
Kick-Ass: Well, I didn't and they don't.
Me: I heard your face is their logo.
Kick-Ass: Not true.
Me: Ok it's just a rumor.
(I write in my notebook)
Kick-Ass: It's not a rumor!
Me: But you must be affiliated with the Diarrhea Institute because you're so known for your diarrhea and stuff. Can we just leave it at that?
Kick-Ass: Can we move on to the next question? Please!
Me: I'm gonna write down 'diarrhea spokeswoman'.
Kick-Ass: Please don't. Next. Question.
(I flip through my notepad for a few seconds.)
Me: Ok. Question 2. Is your suit waterproof so no diarrhea gets out?
Kick-Ass: You're asking for a patented asskicking from... Kick Ass!
(He shows me his fists)
Me: ...so there's no leakage embarrassment!
Kick-Ass: I'm not embarrassed!!
Me: I'm writing down '...not embarrassed about diarrhea in suit.' Got it.
Kick-Ass: Don't push me.
Me: Something smells like diarrhea.
(A teenager comes up to the table with a Kick-Ass comicbook)
Teenager: Can you sign this for me?
Kick-Ass: Sure man. What's your name?
Teenager: Bruce....
Kick-Ass: Ok...Bruce.
Teenager: Can your write, 'Dear Bruce, You rule. Signed The Diarrhea Superman...'
He throws the comicbook at the kid.
Kick-Ass: Aw! What the fuck! I'm not a diarrhea man!
Teenager: You're the diarrhea superman, man! I can smell it!
Kick-Ass: What the hell with diarrhea?!!!?
Me: It's mushy and it's gooshy and it comes from the tushy. Duh. Everyone knows that.
Teenager: Yeah everyone knows that. Cha cha cha. Duh.
(I sniff the air around Kick-Ass. He seems irritated or something.)
Me: Something stinks like diarrhea.
Kick-Ass: Stop talking about diarrhea!!! This interview is over!
Me: Why? Because you have to go make diarrhea?
(Kick-Ass takes out one of his ninja sticks and places it on the table. He nods at it.)
Me: Oh now you're gonna threaten me?! When I first sat down here you said....
(I flip through my notebook and point at something.)
Me: Here. You would only answer questions about your diarrhea! So that's what I'm doing!
Kick-Ass: I never said that!
Me: I have proof!
(I show him the notebook. There's a stick figure cartoon of Kick-Ass with a diarrea blap.)
Kick-Ass: You have no proof of any of this!
Me: I can make proof!
(I grab Kick-Ass by the neck and smash his head down on the table. Then I rip off the whole back of his outfit. There's diarrhea all over his butt and legs. )
Kick-Ass starts crying. He makes more diarrhea. I feel a little bad.
Kick-Ass: I admit it ok! I have diarrhea! I HAVE DIARRHEA!
Some girl in the store starts crying. Everyone starts crying. The whole place smells like diarrhea. Everyone heads for the exit.
The owner puts up a sign that says, 'Closed. Due to diarrhea.'
The end.