An Exclusive Interview with Kick

An Exclusive Interview with Kick-Ass

I meet Kick-Ass at the local comicbook shop down the street. He's sitting at a table next to a stack of comicbooks. A sign next to him says 'Meet the Real Life Kick-Ass'.
Although the store is crowded nobody is paying much attention to Kick-Ass. He looks angry about that.

Me: Hi Kick-Ass. Mind if I ask you some questions?

Kick-Ass: You got any coffee on you?

(I pat myself down.)

Me: No.

Kick-Ass: Do you think you can make that happen?

Me: What me get you coffay?

Kick-Ass: That would be Kick-Ass!

(He points superhero style at the front door. I don't move.)

Kick-Ass: I was just testing you. Glad you're not a sucker. Question me up!

(Kick-Ass makes double hand-signs of devil horns and sticks his tongue out.)

Me: OK. Question number one. Did you have diarrhea during the filming of the movie?

Kick-Ass: No. Next question.

Me: You looked like you had allergies or diarrhea or something.

Kick-Ass: Neither. Next question.

Me: Ok... Are you allergic to diarrhea...?

Kick-Ass: Nope. Next question.

Me: Because it could explain things a bit. In terms of how you look and smell... right now.

Kick-Ass: No-go on the diarrhea. What's next?

Me: Just to be clear, I'm not saying other people's diarrhea. I'm asking if you're allergic to your own diarrhea.

Kick-Ass: I made no diarrhea recently. Not allergic. Next.

Me: Are you sure? Because if you made diarrhea during the movie it's nothing to be embarrassed about...

Kick-Ass: I didn't make any diarrhea!!

Me: I heard rumors that you made diarrhea and the Diarrhea Institute has you on their website.

Kick-Ass: Well, I didn't and they don't.

Me: I heard your face is their logo.

Kick-Ass: Not true.

Me: Ok it's just a rumor.

(I write in my notebook)

Kick-Ass: It's not a rumor!

Me: But you must be affiliated with the Diarrhea Institute because you're so known for your diarrhea and stuff. Can we just leave it at that?

Kick-Ass: Can we move on to the next question? Please!

Me: I'm gonna write down 'diarrhea spokeswoman'.

Kick-Ass: Please don't. Next. Question.

(I flip through my notepad for a few seconds.)

Me: Ok. Question 2. Is your suit waterproof so no diarrhea gets out?

Kick-Ass: You're asking for a patented asskicking from... Kick Ass!

(He shows me his fists)

Me: ...so there's no leakage embarrassment!

Kick-Ass: I'm not embarrassed!!

Me: I'm writing down '...not embarrassed about diarrhea in suit.' Got it. 

Kick-Ass: Don't push me.

Me: Something smells like diarrhea.

(A teenager comes up to the table with a Kick-Ass comicbook)

Teenager: Can you sign this for me?

Kick-Ass: Sure man. What's your name?

Teenager: Bruce....

Kick-Ass: Ok...Bruce.

Teenager: Can your write, 'Dear Bruce, You rule. Signed The Diarrhea Superman...'

He throws the comicbook at the kid.

Kick-Ass: Aw! What the fuck! I'm not a diarrhea man!

Teenager: You're the diarrhea superman, man! I can smell it!

Kick-Ass: What the hell with diarrhea?!!!?

Me: It's mushy and it's gooshy and it comes from the tushy. Duh. Everyone knows that.

Teenager: Yeah everyone knows that. Cha cha cha. Duh.

(I sniff the air around Kick-Ass. He seems irritated or something.)

Me: Something stinks like diarrhea.

Kick-Ass: Stop talking about diarrhea!!! This interview is over!

Me: Why? Because you have to go make diarrhea?

(Kick-Ass takes out one of his ninja sticks and places it on the table. He nods at it.)

Me: Oh now you're gonna threaten me?! When I first sat down here you said....

(I flip through my notebook and point at something.)

Me:  Here. You would only answer questions about your diarrhea! So that's what I'm doing!

Kick-Ass: I never said that!

Me: I have proof!

(I show him the notebook. There's a stick figure cartoon of Kick-Ass with a diarrea blap.)

Kick-Ass: You have no proof of any of this!

Me: I can make proof!

(I grab Kick-Ass by the neck and smash his head down on the table. Then I rip off the whole back of his outfit. There's diarrhea all over his butt and legs. )

Kick-Ass starts crying. He makes more diarrhea. I feel a little bad.

Kick-Ass: I admit it ok! I have diarrhea! I HAVE DIARRHEA!

Some girl in the store starts crying. Everyone starts crying. The whole place smells like diarrhea. Everyone heads for the exit.

The owner puts up a sign that says, 'Closed. Due to diarrhea.'

The end.