The Longest Yard

The following is an actual transcript from a preproduction meeting for The Longest Yard.

March 30, 2005.


Adam Sandler (Star)
Director Guy (Director)
Writer Guy (Writer)
Producer Guy (Producer)
Burt Reynolds (Jerk)

The five of them are sitting around a table discussing making this movie.


Producer Guy: Let's get cracking on thinking of things! We start shooting in less than a week. Do we have a script?

Writer Guy: Do we have a script!

Producer Guy: Well do we?

Writer Guy: Do we ever!?

Adam Sandler (in little kid voice): Poopy in the underpants makes the banana man go wee wee.


Adam Sandler: Pee pee in the wee wee?

Producer Guy: Agreed. Pee pee is in the wee wee. Good point, Adam.

Adam Sandler: Wait!

(silence for five minutes)

Adam Sandler: Call me, The Boner Man...

Producer Guy: You got it, Boner Man.

Adam Sandler: (throws a paper cup. it bounces off Producer Guy's head) THE Boner Man! Say it superhero style! THE BONER MANNNN!

Producer Guy: Good throw! THE BONER MANNNN!


Adam Sandler: I don't like that anymore. Call me, King Pookie instead.

Producer Guy (snaps his fingers): I like it! You got it... KP.

Adam Sandler (in sad stupid voice): I am the king so I would like a crown on my head now please thank you...

Producer Guy (yells): Crown girl!

Some girl runs in with a Burger King crown that has a sign on it that says 'Pookie'. She puts it on Adam's head.


Director Guy: I'm thinking this Longest Yard is going to be better than the original!

Burt Reynolds: Shut up, asshole. You're a fuckin asshole!!

Director Guy: I am?

Burt Reynolds: Whoever! Asshole is universal! It applies to everyone! Especially me! Burt Reynolds!

Producer Guy: Who's Burt Reynolds?

Burt Reynolds: Me! Ballbag for brains! I am!

Director Guy squints a Burt Reynolds.

Director Guy: Swear?

Burt Reynolds: I used to eat pieces of shit like you for breakfast...

Everyone looks at Adam. He's focused on drawing a picture. The moment passes.


Director Guy: I'm thinking we should have some music in the movie!

Writer Guy: Yeah! Good idea! People love music! And gay jokes! Ooh! And black jokes!

Adam Sandler (in bad Yoda voice): Funny it is too when people get hit in the balls they do.

Writer Guy: Holy shit! It is funny when people get hit in the balls! Great idea!

Adam Sandler (still in Yoda): It is... Is it?...Isn't is is?

Producer Guy: You struck gold again, KP! Lots of hitting in the ball region!

Burt Reynolds: My balls are now under my nipples.


Writer Guy: I think the movie should have interesting characters!

Director Guy: That's a great idea!!

Adam Sandler: No it's not!

Director Guy: Yeah that idea is out, stupid.

Writer Guy: But you just said great idea!

Director Guy: I didn't say great idea... I said... hate... hate idea.

Producer Guy: I hate it too, KP. No characters!


Writer Guy: Anyone have any ideas?


Writer Guy: What about sort of an idea? Any sort ofs?

Burt Reynolds: I have an idea sort of.... I got this a tennis ball machine in my house and I shoot tennis balls at my staff and...

A door opens and Chris Rock pokes his head in the room.

Chris Rock: More black jokes, crackahs!

Adam Sandler: Right on, Rock! Write that down writer guy!

Chris Rock smiles and slams the door slams shut.

Writer Guy: Ok. I'll write it down now!

Writer Guy grabs a pencil and does that trick where you pretend to push a pencil into the side of your head then pull it out your mouth.

Writer Guy: Got it.

Director Guy: You didn't write that down!

Writer Guy: I keep everything I write down in my head.

Director Guy: You what?

Writer Guy: What? Oh. I keep all the... ummm..... letter groupings.... in a row... things.... what are they called again?

Producer Guy: Words.

Writer Guy: Right! Those! I keep those in my head.

Adam Sandler (in stuttery voice): I don't like-a the words... One time there were words in my underwear and then my penis and testicles got in a fight and I had to fart to break it up...


Producer Guy: Great stuff, KP.

Director Guy: Ok what do we have so far?

Writer Guy: We're remaking the Longest Year...

Burt Reynolds: Not year, shitbutt for cocks. Yard. Longest Yard!

Writer Guy: Yard?

Adam Sandler: Tard.

Writer Guy: Pard?

Producer Guy: Guard!

Adam Sandler: Card!

They all look at Burt. He's thinking.

Burt Reynolds: Mold!


Burt Reynolds: Mold works too.... fuckin assholes.


Adam Sandler: I want to take a shower with my clothes on then go to the mall and tell everyone it's raining outside.

Producer Guy: Great idea, KP.


Producer Guy: Are we done here?

Director Guy: I'm feeling good about this! This is gonna be fantastic!

Burt Reynolds: Don't say 'fantastic'. I hate that word.

Writer Guy: What's a word?

Adam Sandler (yelling): I have one word for you! Ah 'VAGINA!'

Adam holds up a piece of paper with a drawing of a stick figure woman with big boobs. An arrow points to her crotch. Under that is the word, 'Vagoon!'

Producer Guy: Great stuff, KP.

Burt Reynolds scribbles wildly on a piece of paper and holds it up. It's a drawing of scribble.


Burt snaps his fingers over his shoulder to no one.

Burt Reynolds: Frame this, jerk.

Burt drops the paper over his shoulder to no one.


Adam Sandler: One time I was home and I peed in the hallway and I put my socks on and I played skate hockey in the urine.

Burt Reynolds: I'll slap your face, little boy!

Adam Sandler: Stop looking at me, swan!

Adam runs out of the room.

Producer Guy (yells after him): Great meeting, KP!

Director Guy: So I guess that's that? All set, Writer Guy?

Writer Guy holds up piece of paper with something that looks like the number 7 or it might be a 4.

Director Guy: Looks good!

Producer Guy: Good stuff!

Burt Reynolds: If this was 1977 you guys would be waxing my helmet about now.


Writer Guy: Should we get working on the sequel?

Producer Guy: Definitely! Let's make this one about soccer! Americans love soccer!

Adam Sandler pokes his head in the window from outside. He's wearing a mask of Richard Nixon and a football helmet. He doesn't say anything.

They all stare at Adam. He makes the peace sign with both hands.

(silence for ten minutes)

Adam Sandler: Goobity gob goobity!

Producer Guy: Great stuff, KP! You're on a roll!

Burt Reynolds: Assholes. All of you...

Chris Rock pokes his head in the door again.

Chris Rock (smiling big): Can't we all just get along?

Director Guy: That's gold! Write that down!

Writer Guy does the pencil trick again.


Meeting adjorned.