Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King
I was amazingly lucky to have landed the very first interview with Sauron since everything went down. Yep! I couldn't believe it either. When he agreed to be interviewed I admit I was nervous. I didn't know what to expect. We met at an undisclosed location. He seemed to be sleeping when I arrived. When I sat down he popped awake.
(Sauron in his hayday)
Me: Thanks for this opportunity.. I really appreciate it totally.
Sauron: No prob. I have alot of free time these days. (chuckles)
Me: So what happened, dude?
Sauron: Dude? Can you call me Dark Lord or something?
Me: Ok Dark Lord.
Sauron: Thanks. I don't know what happened really.. I thought I had stuff planned out really well but then when push come to shove I guess I took my eye..umm. self.. off the ball or whatever.. Friggin hobbits! Who would of thunk it seriously?
Me: You must feel sorta down. It's gotta be a tough adjustment.
Sauron: (shrugs) Eh. You win some. You lose some. Hey, when I got my finger cut off I thought I was finished then! And look at what happened next...
Me: Yeah losing the ring back then must have been hard though...
Sauron: Well first off, losing the finger stung like a bitch! I'll tell ya that! Lucky shot bastard!
Me: Yeah but you seemed to do alright without the ring for a while..
Sauron: In retro, I guess I should have just taken the ring when Gollum had it- but he was so funny to watch y'know. All jumping around and arguing with himself! Heh. I figured I'd do some other stuff for a while or whatever. He was like my entertainment while I planned stuff out.
Me: Yeah bad call, huh?
Sauron: Well duh hickey.. But who would have ever thought someone would actually want to destroy the ring!? I didn't see that coming. That ring is so cool!
Me: Totally! I probably but have been sporting it around town first day all blinging!
Sauron: Uh huh.
Me: I gotta say, during the first two parts -things were looking really good for you! Were you at all worried that this final part was going to be somehow different?
Sauron: Well obviously I thought it would turn out different for me personally but to be honest I really didn't know what was really going on completely up till recently. So before this part even started I sat down with Saurman over a seeing stone and a couple ales and we went over what happened in the first two parts. Y'know the whole thing gets a little confusing. Names are hard for me to remember. Argeron? Evelyn? Yknow..
Me: Totally! Me too! I sat down with someone over the weekend who really knows the story backwards and forwards and we watched the extended DVDs. Both movies were way improved for me when I watched them again.. Improved to greatness. It helped that I could keep pausing and asking questions to get clear on stuff. Because my brain is like a Commodore 64 and the first two movies have like Pentium 266 minimum requirement. So sitting down with someone who knew what was up was like adding additional RAM or something..
Sauron: (stares blankly) I know not of these words. Ram? Commodore? Tis elvish?
Sauron: (excited) No seriously! I'm looking to get a new start on things and if this D-V-D and Pen-ti-Om you speak of wield some kind of power! I could maybe... I dunno... (less excited) ...get a couple orcs together and maybe we could... umm.. (trails off)
Me: Lets move on. Gandalf was pretty coolio, huh?
Sauron: Yeah. I have to admit that Gandalf was umm.. cool-ee-oh and he's a funny guy. I didn't realize he was so funny!
Me: Yeah. Right?
Sauron: Totally. It got to the point where I wondered if I was going to feel bad after I killed him or whatever. Heh... Funny thinking about how cocky I was about stuff.
Me: Yeah you got a little carried away with the ego thing.
Sauron: I guess.. But I mean it's hard when you're looking down on a sea of armies and you're this big flaming eye up in this tower. So much power! It went to my head.. uh... or pupil or whatever. Y'know what I mean...
Me: I think so. But you know who I think was truly amazing through it all? Peter Jackson. He seemed to have the same level of power as you- except it didn't really seem to go to his head badly at all. He just seemed to remain passionate and focused and meticulous- and he maintained momentum and consistency and humor through all three parts at an amazingly high level. This series was the best trilogy ever. Hands down. And yes I'm a bandwagoneer. Peter Jackson rules.
Sauron: Peter Jack? Son of who? Is he a hobbit?
Me: (laughing) Actually... I think so... yeah. Ha!
Sauron: (angry) What's so funny?!
Me: Nothing. It's just funny cause he looks like a... um... it's funny is all.
Sauron: (angrier and gets up) What?! Am I funny now? Funny how? Funny like a clown? I amuse you? I make you laugh? I'm here to amuse you?!
Me: Would you stop! No! Calm down! It's not about you! Relax! Jeez! Sit down!
Sauron: (mumbles) I still have some power you know! (raises his voice) I could singe you pretty badly!! I got this 'lit match' spell that I've been working on and...!
Me: Oh chill your fire and meet me in the shire... Hey, you want some twizz? (offering twizz)
Sauron: Twizz? The sweet red string from the Fields of Twizzlore?! Yum! But no thanks. It gives me gas.
Me: Heh. What's that like? You having gas?
Sauron: Jeez. You don't want to know. Violent to say the least. Last time I had bad gas I toasted up about a thousand orcs who were standing behind me. Funny story actually.. see I was up in the tower eating twizz thinking bout stuff in general and...
Me: (interrupting) We're actually short on time. Can we save the story for another time?
Sauron: Ok. Actually it wasn't that great of a story...
Me: I'm not surprised. But you know what is a great story? The whole story of Middle-Earth! I loved watching it unfold- once I got a clue- I liked how all the major characters kind of got theirs in the end.
Me: I'm just saying. It was just an overall great experience of a story. This third part didn't quite push me over the edge into cinematic all consuming freefall but everything kept flowing. And although it had some flaws here or there, it looked and felt amazing. I think the extended version will smooth out all the rough edges solidifying the impact of this series. So I have no real complaints. How can I complain really?
Sauron: Well I got a complaint! What the hell with that extra army thing?! Y'know!? That was sort of left field army?? I mean how was the hell was I supposed to see that coming!
Me: Yeah I hear ya there. I didn't see it coming either. But maybe when the extended version comes out some stuff that seemed jutty in will be smoothed over and...
Sauron: (interrupts) And where the hell was Saurmon!? Gone! Chickenshit wizard! What a dumb dork that guy turned out to be?! Back before when he stuck Gandalf up high in that tower as a prisoner I was like, "Yo! You should lock him up or something!" And he was all (girlie voice) 'Trust me... I know what I'm doing..." Yeah so did the eagles... Jerk.
Me: Yeah! What a jerk! Total jerk!
Sauron: YEAH! Jerk. But I'm so glad you enjoyed yourself watching everything play out. That's cool for you I guess..
Me: Yeah I definitely did. It was totally fun! But I gotta admit for the first fifteen minutes of this one I found myself struggling to concentrate because I was hyper aware of the people sitting around me...
Sauron: ... I hate people.
Me: ... all the little chitchat chatter. Crinkle crinkles. I wanted dead silence. I heard every little thing. I wanted to stand up like Gandalf with my staff, face the theater, and hold the staff high and yell, 'YOU.. SHALL NOT... TALK!' and then jam the thing into the floor. But fortunately the place settled down nicely and I was mercifully spared of talkers.
Sauron: Yeah try that with orcs. They'll stand around yelling at each other to shut up for hours before they finally shut up.
Me: I believe you!
Sauron: What the??! Hey! You got some hairy feet! Are you a hobbit?!
Me: No! My feet aren't THAT bad...
Sauron: (gets up) They look like hobbit feet! I'd rather not give an interview to a hobbit at this point... I think maybe..
Me: (standing up) I'M NOT A HOBBIT! Look how tall I am!
Sauron: (eyes me suspiciously) Maybe you drank alot of that woodsy water or something. Swear you're not a hobbit!
Me: I swear.
Me: I superswear!
Sauron: Double superswear!
Me: I double superswear!!
Sauron (sits down): Ok...
Me: Jeez... Anyway! The accomplishment of this spectacle was almost overwhelming to the point where it was a distraction to itself. There's so much meat there. And those battles! Even you got to admit they were pretty awesome looking.
Sauron: Oh totally cool! I thought for sure we had it locked! I mean we had all that killer war stuff! And huge creatures! By the way, they're a real pain in the ass to feed..
Me: I could imagine.
Sauron: But it was worth it. When I saw that first boulder get catapulted into that wall! It gave me a big jolt! I mean..Wowie! Right? SMASHO!!! Sometimes I think I do what I do just to see the destruction! Because destruction looks so cool! And those elephants! And those ringwraiths flying around! It was ON, baby!... ON!
Me: Yeah totally dead on! Nice work. Incredible visual depth to it all too! The war scenes were awesome! It's all in the details. And I loved it when the sea of rushing horses just collided into a sea of orcs. I couldn't believe how maybe people there were! Thousands and thousands!
Sauron: (laughs) Yeah I was caught off guard by that too. Doh.
Me: I've never seen anything quite like it. Wild tight chilling clangy smashy goodness.
Sauron: Yep. It was on. I went all out...
Me: ...but still lost.
Sauron: (pauses) ...And your point is..
Me: I'm just saying...
Sauron: Keep yer saying to yourself, you bald overgrown hobbit.
Me: I told you I'm not a hobbit!
Sauron: (backtracking) Ok ok! I'm just annoyed. That one frickin hobbit wrecked everything for me! Who would have thunk it!!?
Me: Well everyone... everyone but you apparently.
Sauron: And Gollum! Uch! Talk about unreliable...
Me: Yeah he was a little flakey.
Sauron: A little flakey?! That dude was a total mess!
Sauron: I mean he couldn't even get the job done even with help of that giant spi....
Me: (interrupting) Ay! Let's not give too much away, ok?
Sauron: Yeah, ok.
Me: Yup. So what's next for you?
Sauron: I'm gonna take some time off. Rethink things a bit. Y'know. I don't know really. I just got PS2. What bout you?
Me: I dunno. Wait for the extended version dvd with the additional scenes...
Sauron: OOH! Do you think the part where I actually win the war was maybe cut out?! Maybe it will be like tacked on in the end or something?
Me: Umm.. no. I don't think anything that major was cut out..
Sauron: Dags. (visibly upset)
Me: C'mon! You have nothing to be ashamed off except for all the evil and greed and destruction. Other than that...
Sauron: Easy for you to say! With all my power I can't even take out one friggin little hobbit! Fruckin-A!
Me: Yeah I actually thought about that alot. Actually yer toughest guys seemed to go down dead pretty easily too. Surprisingly so, unfortunately. Sorta.
Sauron: I know. I was very much like what the fruck! Losers! And I gathered up all these orc armies without even teaching them to fight?! Bad call. I figured if I'd put a sword in their hand they'd figure out how to get good at it! But they'd just run at people all growly and get stabbed dead. Dunces. (sighs)
Me: Yeah I guess hindsight is 20-20.
Sauron: Is that an eyeball joke?
Me: No! I'm just saying.
Sauron: I can't help how I look. (sniffles and mumbles) bigstupid eyeball nopowerloser screwedeverythingup likeastupidjerk... (starts crying)
Me: C'mon dude!
Sauron: (whining) Dark Lord!!
Me: C'mon Dark Lord! Pull it together! Don't get down on yourself. You had alot on your plate at the time! Hey! Why don't you show me that 'lit match' spell you mentioned before. That sounded cool!
Sauron: (sniffles) Well... Ok..
(Sauron perks up a bit and mumbles a spell. A little spark shoots out and lands on my arm then goes out immediately)
Me: OW!! That hurt!
Sauron: (dejected) No it didn't...
Me: It totally did! It left a red mark! Look!
Sauron: (perks) Did it really? Did it really hurt!?
Me: Yes! And it still hurts a little!
Sauron: Cool. Swear it hurt!
Me: I swear!
Me: Yes! I superswear!
Me: Jeez! Take it easy on yourself! You were a main part in a frickin crazily impressive series. To the point where I can't even believe it was done as well as it was done. For me it actually turned the direction of large cinema and raised the standards across the board to a height that I thought previously impossible due to "the system". It was a ballsy call and worked out great! A truly spectacular spectacle at a dizzying height. It really gives alot of hope for the future.
Sauron: Uch! HOPE?! I hate hope! Hope messed up all my shit! Frickin hope! Uch!
Me: Sorry I forgot you were sensitive bout the "hope" stuff.
Sauron: It was only the cause of my downfall, jerk!
Me: Would you stop it already! You did your best! And don't worry bout yourself. You're a talented dude and I'm sure you'll be able to make a fresh rotten start somewhere.
Sauron: Really? You think so?!
Me: Hey, there's always... hope...
Sauron: (rolls his eye) Uch. This interview is over, ya gangly hobbit gork!
And with that comment Sauron slinked off to do who knows what who knows where. On the way out he did the 'lit match' spell again and lit a candle that was on the table by the door. He stared at the flame, grinned evily, then shrugged and wandered away...