How did I end up seeing this craptastical spectacle of crudmastery?
This is how:
See how it says Spongebob starts at 12:20?! Well at 12:15 I showed up and got my ticket went up 5 escalators to get to Theater 10 at 12:19. I had a bagel and wasabi and arizona. I was good to go! Proud of my good timing. I walk in to get a seat and the place is dark. People were all settled in and there's a cartoon on the screen. I was confused. It was 12:19. Previews should have been starting. Why did it look like the movie was already going?! It was dark and crowded. I sat down and started watching and there was some fishking complaining about losing his crown and I'm like, 'Wait! Is this the movie? Or is this like one of those cartoons before the movie? Or did it just start like minute ago?' But soon I realized I was midplot! There was Spongebob! He was crying! Something was wrong! Something was horribly wrong! The movie was happening!
I gathered up my stuff all angry and headed out. I look at the digital screen over the door that says the movie name and time. It says, 'Spongebob 12:00' 12:00?! What? Supposed to be 12:20! I go down the 5 escalators to the lobby and check the big board. Son of a bitch! 12:00 there too! Wasn't anyone aware that the movie was supposed to start at 12:20!? Or maybe I was.... wrong? I beat myself up in my head for being stupid and apparently reading the movie times wrong online at home. But later on when I got home I saw I wasn't wrong! They! The Moviefone.com! Them they! The Penises! Were wrong! Not me! Not me! They! Them! Look! See above! Penises! 12:20! Just like I remembered in my brain!
Anyway, I had a choice. Ray, Polar Express, After the Sunset (whatever that is). For some reason I decided on National Treasure which started at 12:30 by the way (check the movie clock above). Bastardos! Not sure why I thought this was a better option then cutting my losses, asking for a refund, heading home, and staring at the ground- but that's what I done did. I saw a movie I never thought I'd ever see.
First off, Nicholas Cage. Talk about a movie star who has definitely gotten high on his own supply (not drugs. just himself). He's so hyperaware of his moviestarness. His looks. His eyebrows. His affected voice. He's all too cool for any movie he graces with his presence. It's a shame cause I used to be a fan of his. Valley Girl, Vampire's Kiss, and Raising Arizona and now the guy is yelling out things like, "I gotta save the Declaration of Independence!" Shame! Shame on you, Cage. It's ok to be selective now you rich f**k! (Yeah I know Adapation was a good call but whatever. There's too much of this crap on his resume. He's just high.)
Anyway, there's really no point in really reviewing this movie. It is exactly what you'd expect it to be. From the very moment it starts, it throws you in a bog of stupid and you slowly sink into the quicksand of ridiculousness. Jerry Bruckheimer appears at the edge of the bog and reaches out to give you a hand. You grab it but it's just a trick. A glove on a stick. He laughs and snorts. Jerry stares at you like he forgot what he was just about to say. Then Jerry yells out, 'Oh no! Help! You gotta Save the Declaration of Independence!' and he tosses a postertube into the bog. Splut. Then he smiles at you with a dopey grin. Are you f**king kidding me, Jerry Bruckheimer??!! Goddamn it! Then you go under and swallow a big gulp of watery dumb sand.
That being said I sat there and ate my bagel and was still entertained on some level. I enjoyed looking at everything wrong with this wreck. And I sorta liked how horrible it was. It was like Watermelon Bubblicious. You pop it in and chew it up and think 'Hey this isn't so bad! It tastes weird and artificial and it hurts my jaw to chew it but somehow I can't spit it out. Not just yet. It's still good on some level. Of course by the 40 minute mark I was staring like a cow in a good mood chewing away at the flavorless watermelon cud. Eventually toward the end I spit it out and stuck the gum under my seat. It got gross. But by that point it was too late.... I had enjoyed the toxic goodness for too long to hate it wholeheartedly.
Three Good Things About This Movie
- Finally they made a movie about a secret treasure map on the back of the
Declaration of Independence! Phew!
- The chick in the movie had nice cleavage and showed it off while she was looking at the treasure map on the back of the Declaration of Independence.
- It had no shame about what it was.
Three Bad Things About This Movie
- It was insulting to the audience and everyone involved with the making of
this motion picture and all motion pictures ever made in the history of motion
- There was so much in it that was so super far fetched that it crossed over in the ridiculous but then kept going into eyerolly but THEN kept going right on to depressing...
- Harvey Keitel slummed it really hard here and I think he's had some work done.
All in all, I can't recommend this movie even with the dumb factor factored in. It's just that bad (although I didn't hate it and wasn't bored). It is strictly for a blockbuster breakdown moment or USA Network flick. Bottom line, even if you're sniffing glue out of a paperbag while watching this film you'd eventually look up at the screen and think, 'Goddamn this movie is dumb!' then go back to sniffing your glue out of a paperbag.... which would be like studying quantum physics compared to what's up on the screen.