Ok at first I wrote and posted a review for this movie that just said one thing.
"I thought the camels looked nice."
That was the whole review. But when I clicked on it it kinda looked lame. (Kinda?) Anyway, I will attempt to review this movie although it may be difficult because it was so uberstupido and a depressing waste of money.
Here's a quick plot summary. Michael Mono-to-nay (Superman Studboy) and his comic relief buddy Steve Zond (not as funny as he'd like us to believe) play two treasure seeker gay guys who pretend they're not gay. They get the bright idea to look for a civil war gun boat that somehow might be in Africa... in the desert. (don't ask. they don't give a real reason anyway.) Superman Studboy bumps into the straight-out annoying Penelope Cruz who plays a doctor (yeah right) and he saves her life (unfortunately). Anyway, she stumbles on this virus that's killing people in Africa and no one cares but her. She's smart. We can tell because of the glasses. By the way, Superman Studboy and Zond have a sidekick nerd who sucks.
The plot grows outwards in every possible direction spinning so out of control that the coincidences go beyond regular movie crap beyond stretches of the imagination beyond yeah right! and out into the netherworld of Are you fucking kidding me?! How stoned are you? Also the whole flick is lumped down with pathetically overused music (Sweet Home Alabama and Magic Carpet Ride) And the booming action music sounded like big notes being played at random by a deaf six year old. It all keeps spinning until the whole thing ends up with the planet earth in jeopardy! We have 72 hours! Hurry! This flick runs roughshod over all glimpses of logic. Sahara is everything wrong with big movies and then some.
However, in its defense, (I admit a certain level of defeat) something about the spectacular craptastity of this movie did entertain me for an hour or so...
Three Good Things About This Movie
- I thought the camels looked nice.
- Some of the shots in general looked cool (but realistically, how do you screw up a shot of the desert dunes? you don't. they didn't)
- It did carry a certain amount of momentum that I didn't feel it was punishing.
Three Bad Things About This Movie
- Mono-to-nay obviously has a god complex. But not the good god. One of those
junky D-level lame-o gods. Like Phobos or something.
- The last 20-30 minutes was unnecessary roughness. Just end it you dopey director! Your movie is a joke!
- Penelope Cruz. I know some claim she is a good actress but I saw zero evidence of that here.
All in all, I'd say avoid this movie. Avoid it the way it deserves to be avoided. Avoid it like a tantrumming child in a supermarket. Avoid it like some guy walking down the street sneezing everywhere. Avoid it like some random drunk girl who throws an arm around you and asks you to 'take her some place... to puke'. Avoid it like a drive-thru proctologists office. Avoid it like a new product on the market that 'guarantees to scald'. Avoid it like a... like a.... umm... cmon... umm... avoid it like ... I don't know.... something involving skinheads, bees... and a barbecue.