Episode III: Revenge of the Sith

Thursday. I headed out for a 1:15PM showing of Sith. The friggin deli was sold out of hot wasabi peas so I ended up with some sort of 'baked' tortilla chips. Sucky. I don't know why I thought they'd be good. I wanted my peas! I also got in a big water and a Hershey's with almonds and snuck it all in. The theater was about 2/3rd full. I was psyched it wasn't a scene. I found a seat smack dab in the middle and stretched out for some Sithing. After five longass previews (the only thing that looked cool to me was The Lion, The Witch, and the Wardrobe which looked massive. Other than that am I really supposed to get excited about Jamie Foxx as a navy pilot who fights a robot pilot? Whatever.)

Anyway, this sith flick starts up. Right off the bat I was immediately relieved. For the first time in this new Star Wars series I was able to comprehend the opening scrolling update thing. In the past, they were completely unreadable to me and I just skimmed them and assumed they wernt important. This time they toned down the language for us skimmers. Here it is:

War! The Republic is all messed up
cause like there were these attacks by
the Sith Lord, Count Dookie  (who likes
walks on the beach, holding hands,
mystery novels, and lawnbowling.)

There are bad actors on both sides.
Evil is everywhere! Even in your underwear!

In a dickish move, the fiendish
dweeb leader, General Electritous,
has swept into the Men's room stall
at the OTB and kidnapped Mr. Palpatine,
leader of the Galactical Senate and hopelessly
in debt due to bad tips on the ponies.

As the Separatist Kiss Army
attempts to flee the besieged capital
with their annoyingly wangy hostage,
two Jedi Scrot-bags along with their
magical laser puppy, Pruppo Muppy, go off
to like rescue the captive Chancellor.... or something.

Got it! Sort of! It wasn't garbled crazy talk like the other two crawls (see bottom for real deal) So I was proud about having a clue about what I was watching. I felt and hoped this time around this Star Wars movie would be different than the other two (aka so sucky that you're too bored to cry about actually how super sucky they really are.)

Unfortunately after the opening crawl I immediately picked up where I left off before. Mildly impressed the gigundo special effects and crazy good sound (the sound was actually more impressive) but rapidly slipping into being annoyed at the acting and the dialogue and the bad jokes and the 'But wheres the fun?' factor. I felt yawny within 15 minutes. I got scared that the prehype of 'This one actually isn't that bad...' Might have just been hype.

So the movie starts playing out and I'm feeling more and more sleepy. I don't care about it. Any character could have their head lopped off and I would be thrilled. No one would be a loss. Nothing that passed for humor although there were numerous attempts. My heart rate didn't change at all. I noticed there was background music going 100% of the time. The acting sucked. I just wanted to get this movie over with.  For the first hour solid I was disappointed (less so than the previous movies because I understood what they were talking about) but I simply couldn't shake the undercurrent voice in my head which kept telling me, 'You're so f**kin bored and you know it...' I couldn't argue. I was too tired.

But something happened in the second hour. It's like this series FINALLY shifted out of first gear and I started to see Star Wars clawing its way on to the screen. A few of the jokes worked! (There's a funny funny yoda move toward the end.) The plot started getting interesting! I sat up straight for the first time and felt myself drifting back towards 1977 (when I was a little boy staring at the screen absolutely willing to pee in my pants to not miss a second of that godlike (at the time) movie if need be.) Granted I didn't get all the way back to 77' with Sith but I'd for a good stretch in the second half of this movie it pulled me back into the 80's vibe for a while... which was an accomplishment.

It made me smiley that this series wasn't a friggin complete unfortunate waste. I felt happy that Star Wars supernerds were finally seeing something they actually wanted to see. Grooving with the nerd vibe that they were starving for. Finally smelling the simmering of their good memories. Sipping from the wooden spoon of the SW stew. The final 40 minutes or so is actually solid ground. It certainly wasn't enough to erase the blurry non-memory of those first two crushingly disappointing lead-ups but it was definitely something. And the fact that it was something was a huge step up. Alas, (I used alas!) if this was the starting point in the series as opposed to the closeout sale... then we really might have had something.

Three Good Things About this Movie

- For the first time Hayden Christmason stepped up and wasn't distractingly torturous (MacGregor was tho. He sucked!!!!!)
- I liked both fights scenes at the end alot.
- It tied itself together nicely.

Three Bad Things About this Movie

- Jimmy Smits and Sam Jackson are way too recognizable to be in this movie. WTF! Unnecessary!
- Something about the digitalness of the whole thing kept making me sleepy. I nodded a headsnap sleep thing three times.
- I still don't see why R2 has to ride on the outside of ships. Does he smell or what?

It's like this... the original Star Wars series had me yelling inside, 'YES! COOL!' The first two movies in this new series had me yelling inside, 'JEEBUS! NO!' This 3rd movie certainly doesn't qualify for the big 'YES! COOL!' or the 'JEEBUS! NO!' It's more like, 'Yes!...  I guess..' Because after at the the star wars table and begging for some meat through the first two movies.... and being totally ignored, I gotta admit it felt kind of good that I was finally thrown a frickin bone...


Here's all the crawls!