Snakes on a Plane

So I just got back from yawning through Snakes on a Plane and I'm embarrassed that I even went to see it.

I half-enjoyed all the internet hype that went along with it at first, but then I started to get annoyed with it. It was fun for internet people but when the movie people started to get all crowy about how smart they were for 'intentionally' marketing the movie this way-- it got annoying. We all know what really went down. The studio bought a stunningly stupid movie and people on the internet started making fun of how stupid they were for making a movie like that. So the movie people got in on the joke and started to pretend like they meant to do that. Sam Jackson talked about how he saw the script and all he needed to see was the title 'Snakes on a Plane' and he knew he wanted to do it. I'm sure that same logic went into 'The Man'? And S.W.A.T? Right. Such scary foresight they all had! Such super smarts to know it would take off like wild fire on the net! Marketing geniuses!

But it feels more like this was a hoax created by the audience for the studio. After years of shuffling in and out of stupido movies the internet finally screamed, 'Enough! We can't take it anymore! We're smarter than this!' And painted the word, 'Stoopid' right on this movie to prove it. And the studio ate it up. Movie people are starved for attention so anything they can get they dig. Even if it's someone throwing tomatoes at their friggin heads, they'll sit there hugging themselves tight boasting, 'They love us! They really love us!' And they fell for it hook, line, and stinker. Because ain't nobody I know was actually psyched to pay money this movie. It was almost sad for the movie people. Like the kid in class who everyone makes fun of but no one has the heart to break it to him that everyone is laughing at him.

There was some hope to this whole process that the studios would start listening to the audiences more. And start tinkering with things to make us more happy. But with this flick they totally dropped the ball. This movie should have been Airplane VI! (*Now with Snakes!*). Instead it was a opening half-hour of flat boredom. Followed by cheesy looking fake snakes. Yadda a few good bites. Some fun to be had here and there if you looked for it. Sure. But when all was said and done the studio refused to make this movie as stupid and goofy as it should have been. Yeah sure, a guy gets bit on his wang. Ha ha. Great. Oh! Woman gets bit on her boob! Ha! On a roll? Now do the butt! Swish! That's what they went back to reshoot?

If they wanted to do this movie really right they had the chance. Don't do the typical cop on a plane, stewardess hero, dead pilot crap! Start it off 100% normal. Then go way way over the top. Have snakes all over the plane inside and out. And tiny microbe snakes that go in ears and control brains! Have some flat chameleon snakes that blend in with everything! Giant huge ones that become lots of little slithering snakes when they get exploded! Have em rush down people's throats and blast out of their butts! Fire breathers! Snakes with arms! And legs!!! (oh wait. that's a lizard right? ok forget that one..)Whatever! Mix in terrorists, transported criminals, wolfmen frankensteins, bikini girls, nerds, stoners, zombies, and demons! Oh! And the only way to get the snakes off the plane is to fly it through a worm hole into another dimension! Because the super nerd on the plane figured out that Universe Space God declared that snakes can't survive when traveling inter-dimensionally! And in the end have the whole plane crash on a Planet Snake! Leave it open for a sequel! Stuff like that! I mean if people are screaming for stupid show get the balls to walk down the street with one thumb in your mouth and one in your ear with your pants around your ankles while peeing all over yourself! Don't just sport some fake fangs and hissss at me with a big smile on your face. Yawn.

Three Good Things About this Movie

- A few of the bites were fun.
- More than once it passed for something that passed for entertainment.
- I like Kenan Thompson and the germaphobic rapper.

Three Bad Things About this Movie

- It was too long.
- The plot really made zero sense.
- I felt like it was belly laughing at me for sitting there looking at it.... not realizing the joke is on them.

All in all, the only reason to see this flick is if you really got pumped on the internet hype and for whatever reason need closure on the whole thing. But unfortunately this movie is a big whiff with bases loaded. It stepped up to the plate. The crowd was cheering. Bottom of the ninth. Score tied. The pitcher throws one on the inside corner. And this flick wasn't even smart enough to lean in and let itself get hit in the head for the easy walk and the winning run...