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*Captain's log. Stardate 2073 point 37-13. Captain George T. Clooney reporting. I have been ordered by Starfleet Command to explore the space station Prometheus which orbits an entity called Solaris. Spock has informed me that the space station has stopped all communication with Earth. My job is to investigate the reportedly strange happenings on the space station. Spock reminded me to pack extra underwear and socks. He told me I should bring a gift. He's such a mom. Clooney out.
*Captain's log. Stardate 2073 point 38-1-2. I immediately find myself questioning Starfleet Director Soderbergh. I usually find his assignments to be overrated and boring. Even his most respected previous missions I found to be pretty much all about how cool he can make himself look type whateverishness. And I definitely have concerns about this one. Clooney out.
*Captain's log. Stardate 2073 point 38-45. Captain Clooney reporting. Arriving on Prometheus I realize things aren't quite right here. The space station looks like it's from 1982 as does my 'space travel' outfit. I am embarrassed and hope there are no parties here unless they have a retro sci-fi theme. Clooney out.
*Captain's log. Stardate 2073 point 44-3. I have found there are other people aboard this station. I am annoyed by this as I am Captain Clooney and this mission is all about me me me. I ask Director Soderbergh if we can take this mission on other course.. like into a romantic comedy or something. He calls me a 'stupid' who should just do as he is told. I am surprised. I think he is stressing over this mission as it may be spinning out of control in a very slow motion kind of way. I think he feels he needs to generate some enthusiasm within Starfleet command. Clooney out.
*Captain's log supplemental. Soderbergh has informed me that it is now vital to this mission for me to show my butt. I comply however, I do not see the point in my buttockal display as apparently no one is going to view this mission until it is out on video. Clooney out.
*Captain's log. Stardate 2073 point 50-23. We're about half-way through this mission and I am pretty bored wandering around this ship and I find myself stuck in dreamy flashbacks often that are overlong. But somehow I am intrigued by the mission. It has an 'otherly' quality which is oddly appealing. Or is the strange power of Solaris affecting my mind? I will explore further. Clooney out. Oh, also the toilets flush weird here. Clooney out.
*Captain's log supplemental. People who came in half-way through this mission and sat down toward the front have been talking nonstop since they arrived here. I suspect they think they are in their own living room. People yell 'shut up' at them. They seem to think this is funny. I get the feeling someone in the audience wishes he was tougher and would go pick a fight. But that person is not tough. He pretends to ignore them. They have apparently wandered into this mission this after finishing a mission next door called 'They'. I found that funny. Clooney out.
*Captain's log. Stardate 2074 point 54-50. Clooney here. I've found that I am entertaining myself by punching holes in this mission. The great mystery of Solaris brings up many questions. I wonder if the questions are brought out by poor writing or genuine interest. In any case, I am somewhat fascinated but not really really. Mainly I am surprised that this mission even exists. I'm not sure what Starfleet was thinking by sending me here. I have concerns about my career for the first time. And I did a buttockal display which I was saving for a more special moment. Damn that Soderbergh. I guess you can't trust anyone in Starfleet but I have doubts about my own instincts. What's a captain to do? Clooney out.
*Captain's log supplemental. Spock contacts me to ask if I remembered to turn off the stove before I left. I informed him that we live in the future and the stove turns itself off after a while no matter what. Spock says he never relies on 'idiot proof' appliances and tells me I shouldn't either. I tell him if he's so concerned he should go over to my house and see if it's burned down. He tells me he can't drive because of his new medication but informs me he will call my neighbor and ask them to look out the window to make sure my house isn't on fire and then hangs up. I have concerns about Spock and his new medication. Clooney out.
*Captain's log. Stardate 2074 point 30-2. I have begun to realize that this is the type of mission that gives you no answers only questions. This isn't a good thing because the questions are not all that interesting to me. But somehow being on this station is calming and soothing. I wish I had brought my pillow from home. I won't tell Spock this as he will gloat over how he always remembers to bring his pillow on missions. He loves 'I told you so' satisfaction. I won't give it. Clooney out.
*Captain's log. Stardate 2074 point 74-5. I have returned home with no answers about Solaris. Only conclusions. In retrospect, I think it may have been a more interesting mission if we focused more on the other members on the space station. We shouldn't have been so self-centered here as the two other crew members pretty much saved this mission from being a disaster. But Director Soderbergh sacrificed them by filling time with blah blah silent flashbacks. Unfortunately he tethered this mission to artsy things and directorial respectability and his own needs which weighed down something that could have been a groovy human psycho-lovey thrill. In the end it was just a snoozingly interesting display. Nothing really ventured. Nothing really gained. And I showed my butt goddamn it. Clooney out.
*Captain's log suppemental. I was excited to get home finally but when I pulled up I saw Spock was waiting at my door. He was dressed in an old style football uniform with like the leather helmet- and he looked like he was wearing warpaint. He seemed to have a bad rash as well. He was angrily reading aloud off a piece of paper that looked like it had been crumpled up and then smoothed out again. I just kept driving. I'm not sure if he noticed me or not. Oy. Clooney out.