Before Sunset (Re-imagined with i-Robot)
Ok today I wandered out of the house to go see the i-Robot. I gotta admit I'm not too psyched about the i-Robot. As much as it might look decent or whatever I really get the feeling that I've seen the movie already. But I figure I had to see it so I picked up a turkey sandwich and a big water went to see the robots.
I get to the theater it's a mobscene and I really didn't want to deal with a big crowd. Also I feel weird eating sandwiches when I'm sandwiched between people. So I looked at what else was playing and this movie called Before Sunset was starting at the same time. I had no idea what this movie was about. I knew it was a sequel to a movie I never saw and I know it looked all artsy and independenty. Somehow my brain told me it might be interesting to see a sequel without seeing the first- so I bought a ticket.
Within the first minute of Before Sunset I was bored out of my mind. By minute fifteen it was more bored. Basically the movie is two not so interesting people (if they were only as interesting as they thought they were they might have been somewhat interesting) talking about not so interesting things with a not so interesting buttery slather of not so interesting cheesy euro-romance. All not so interesting modern philosophies toward life and work and love. Blech. That was literally it. The two of them yammering away. Acting and stuff. Yawn. Maybe I was at a dumb disadvantage by not seeing the first movie- but boring is boring. So while sitting there watching this borefest, I imagined how greatly this movie could be improved if it only had some robots. Here's how it would go:
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Two people are sitting in a French cafe. They're sipping coffee and smoking cigarettes. They're talking about nothing.
Guy: So the way I see it is we all live in moments and within each moment is a whole world and those moments make up our lives.
Girl: It's true. Sometimes I wish we could just live each moment within the moment. That's how we truly get the most out of life.
Guy: I know. It's all about making the most of moments. As moments make up time. And time is all we have.
Two robots crash through the wall. One is Robot Man. The other is Robot Woman.
Robot Man: Grrrrr!
Guy: Robots!
A piece of rubble clonks down on Robot Woman's head.
Robot Woman: Blarrr!
Girl: Merde! I hate robots. I hope they're not American robots!
Robot Woman approaches their table and quickly slaps the french girl's head off her neck. It lands on the floor across the cafe. The robots sit down at the table with the guy who seems surprised that the girl's head is across the room without her..
Guy: Hey! Why did you slap her head off?
Robot Woman: It... seemed... like... a... good... idea... at... the... time.....which... was....just.... then..
Robot Man: I... agree.... it... was.... a... good.... idea.... And... it...was ... a... good.... slap.
The guy sips his coffee and puts the cup down. He looks annoyed.
Guy: Well, I don't think it was such a good idea! We were in the middle of talking. Now we can't finish our conversation cause she's all separated.
Robot Man stares at the guy for a few seconds.
Robot Man: I... like.... your... face... more... than... my... face.
Robot Man reaches out and tears the guy's face off. Then he puts the skin face over his own robot face. The newly faceless guy seems surprised and paws at his exposed skull. He would frown but he can't. Robot Man wears the face and turns to Robot Woman..
Robot Man: How ...do.... I... look?
Robot Woman: I...think.... I.... like.... it.... Blarr.
Guy: Hey! Gimme my face back! I need that face! To make faces! Like the angry face I would be making now because I'm angry that you took my face!
Robot Woman claps the guy's head and smushes it. The smushed head made a big smush noise as it got smushed. The guy falls to the floor all newly dead.
Robot Woman: Oops.... Blarr.
Robot Man looks down at the dead guy. He kicks him a little with his robot foot. Then he looks at Robot Woman.
Robot Man: So... what.... do.... you... want.... to.... do.... today?
Robot Woman: Spill... and... smash. Blarr.
Robot Woman picks up a cup of coffee and spills it on the dead guy then puts the cup back on the table. After a moment, Robot Man pounds the coffee cup with a fist on the table. He hits it so hard that he breaks the whole table in half.
Robot Man: Smash.
Robot Woman: Blarr.
The Robots look around the restaurant.
Robot Woman: It... smells.... like ...cheese.... in.... here.
Robot Man: Waiter!
A snooty french waiter walks up to the Robots.
Waiter #1: Oui?
Robot Man: Two... more... cups... of... coffee.... plus..... a... new.... table.... This... one... is... smashed.
Waiter #1: I vill not bring another table if you are going to smash eet.
Robot Woman: It... smells... like... cheese... in.... here... Blarr!
Robot Woman stands up and hits the waiter in the chest full force with both her fists. It makes a big splintery crunch noise. The waiter collapses in a heap. Robot Woman sits back down.
Robot Woman: Did... you.... hear... that... noise?
Robot Man: It...was...a... good.... crunch....
Robot Woman: It... was.... a.... good.... crunch!
Robot Man peels the skin face off his robot face and drops it as if there was a table in front of him. It lands on the floor. He looks at the floor.
Robot Man: Waiter!
Another new snooty waiter approaches.
Robot Man: We..... need..... a... new.... table....This... one.. is ..... smashed... ..Our... waiter......he... is... also... smashed... We... will... need... a... new.... one...of... him... too.
Robot Woman: Good... crunch... noise.
The waiter skitters away. An french argument breaks out in the back room between the waiters. The Robots sit in silence for a while. They look at the broken table and broken coffee cups and broken people.
Robot Man: I...think... I.... am... itchy.
Robot Woman: How... could... you... be... itchy...?.... You... are... a....robot.
Robot Man: I... don't... know.... Do... I... look... itchy?
A third waiter approaches. He looks nervous.
Waiter #3: How can I help you?
Robot Woman: He... thinks.... he... is... itchy..
Robot Man: I... am... itchy....I ... think.
The waiter stares at the Robots. The Robots stare back. The waiter seems a loss for words. He keeps acting like he's going to say something then stops saying it.
Robot Man: I... am... enjoying... this... moment..... I... am.... enjoying... being... itchy.
Robot Woman: He... is.... enjoying... the ... itchy.... I... enjoyed... the.... crunch... noise...... when... I... smashed...previously... before.... Blarr.
The waiter continues to stare at the Robots. The Robots stare back. Robot Man scratches his robot chest and thinks to himself. Then scratches again.
Robot Man: I... am..... itchy!
Robot Woman: I.... like.... the..... smash.
Waiter #3: So...ummm... just the check?
Robot Woman: Do... you... think... you... would... make... a... good.... crunch.....noise...if... I... smashed... you?
Waiter #3: Ummm... I don't... think so?
Robot Woman: Ok... then... just... the... check...please.... Blarr.
The End!