Transformers 2: Revenge of the Fallen*
(*guest reviewer! dante bean!)
 
I have seen Bratz: The Movie!, Step Up 2 Tha Streets, Big Mama's House 2, Dance Flick and a documentary about crayons.  Hell, I even like Michael Bay!  He gave me The Rock, which is my favorite action flick of all time! So please do not take it lightly when I say Transformers 2 is one of the worst movies I have ever seen.
 
I have no nostalgic loyalty to Transformers.  I never owned any, never watched the cartoon.  But I went to the first Transformers flick and had a reasonably good time.  I liked watching robots whack each other and things blow up.  Technically impressive good times.  I didn't remember what it was about, or any of the characters names an hour after I left the theater, figured I had seen everything this franchise could offer me so I didn't really have much more than a passing interest in the second. 
 
My best friend went to see Trannys 2 at midnight.  Huge fan of the Tranny.  He loved the first one.  But he did nothing but say the second was one of the worst movies he had ever seen.  He started telling me how stupid this was, and how the plot was a giant mess.
 
Time out, I say.
 
Did he not see the first?  Who cares?  The plot in these dumb movies really only strings one action set piece to the next, who cares, right?  I'm not here for brilliant narrative or to watch LaDouche flex his acting chops.  As long as robots hit each other I didn't really see how it was possible to adore the first and shun the second, as long as that one element was in place.  I accused him of entering nerd rage mode and set out to see this flick for myself.
 
Roughly an hour in, I sent him a text to apologize.  This was roughly around the time LaDouche was about to have sex with a Decepticon in disguise.  I'm not kidding and it gets worse.  I guess I accept these stories as long as I can forget them in an hour, but this one is just so actively bad and dopey there was a voice in my head screaming "GET UP.  LEAVE.  WHAT ARE YOU DOING!?" for the entire duration.  The racist twins you've read so much about are even worse on screen, it's awkward, and I'm about the most un-PC person you'll ever meet.  I can't believe someone green lit this.  It really is something where you can call a movie about cars to bots stupid, but I can't even articulate how awful it is.  I read an article that I completely agree with, that says if you were to sum up this entire movie in one sentence, they would quote John Tootrow towards the end:
 
"I am standing under the enemies scrotum!"
 
I'm not kidding.  Neither was he.  He was standing under a Transformers giant set of berries.
 
3 Good Things About This Movie:
-As far as your audio/visual senses are concerned, it is still technically impressive.
-They cover up Maggie Fox's dopey Marilyn Monroe tattoo on her forearm
-...I got nothin
 
3 Bad Things About This Movie
-Everything else
-Torturous at over two and a half hours
-Complete lack of Sean Bean
 
 
For a much better job at tearing down this cesspool of a movie, go here:
http://www.toplessrobot.com/2009/06/bonus_robs_transformers_2_faqs.php?page=1