So yesterday I headed out to see this flick with a friend of mine. At first we tried seeing it at this place called 'The Dome' which had assigned seating and crap but it was totally sold out. I took pictures of these vehicles outside that theater. They were just like Transformers! <cough> except for the transforming part...
...then we headed to Universal Studio Street Thing Freakshowville Disgusto Consumerfatland. I took some pictures there too.
Coolio looking like flames!
Hard rocking to infinity and beyond!
I think this is my first celeb sighting! Giovanni Ribisi! On stilts! Moonlighting! Busted!
Ok enough pictures. I'm getting upset because they're sorta blurry too...
When I was a kid there were a bunch of shows that I loved watching back-to-back. Honeymooners/Twilight Zone (1AM on 11 Alive). Happy Days/Laverne and Shirley. Love Boat/Fantasy Island. Whatever. One of my favorite back-to-backers was Transformers/GI Joe (also channel 11). Both way solid cartoons. But there was something about Transformers that was extra good. Mainly because of three specific characters for me. Optimus Prime (the greatest leader). Megatron (unfortunate name but whatever) and Starscream (Megatron's unfortunate sidekick fall-guy). Like GI Joe it was a good group fighting a bad group. For the life of me I can't remember one plot line of either show. But it was the vibe of it all. The teamwork. The coolness. And the leadership.
Fortunately though I shrugged off my involvement with Transformers as I got older and I'm very appreciative of that now. Because if I was still a true Transformers fan, I'd find this movie heartbreaking. A friend of mine who is still seriously into Optimus Prime was pre-crushed when she saw his flames and moving lips. Moving lips I can deal with. Flames were disgusting! Flames? As for the rest of the movie, I thought it the biggest mess I've seen in a long time. It honestly played out like the bulk of the movie was written by asshole 3rd graders on sugar and punched up by confused old men who are sticklers for 'values' and 'honor'.
All this is helmed by the tragic Mikey Bay who is like Midas... except with doody . The rich-man's Uwe Boll. Man does he suck. I think the true master behind Bay movies is the guy who cuts the friggin trailers. Give that guy the full director's job next time because he seems to get it. Always pretty great trailers for Michael Bay movies. I thought the original trailer for this flick was awesome too. Because it looked 'serious'. It looked 'government' heavy. With a mysterious invasion reality. I was like, 'Holy sheet! They're taking this movie seriously!' But alas in reality, before long we had a snickery Transformer sneaking off Air Force One undetected by walking past the guards while holding his hand next to his face (so they don't recognize him. get it?) and good ol' Optimus Prime squashing a flower garden and saying 'Oops...my bad.' aka. Unzip. Urinate on fans. Re-zip.
The movie eventually crumbles into a mess of blurry fights and dorky speeches. Optimus Prime being all supportive of us humans and our war-like nature by declaring us to be a young species that will eventually learn peace. Umm... Optimus? Aren't you in a big war right now too? What the hell do you know? You ain't exactly young and you ain't figured it out yet! And another thing! Who declared Shiite LeButtock to be the next great thing. He's was the jerk on Greenlight and now he walks into every big film? Aren't there other brats in Hollywood to turn to? And what was with his "high school" girlfriend who looked like she was 30? Who did she do to get that part? My guess... Mikey Bay. What the hell does he care? If it works out well for him personally in the end-- that's all he's going for anyway...
Three Good Things About this Movie
- I did like the scenes when the military fought the robots.
- There was some funny stuff in it but unfortunately I laughed (out loud) the hardest at the serious parts.
- The first 15 minutes are actually pretty good.
Three Bad Things About this Movie
- For the most part the fight scenes were just blurry messes.
- The whole thing was loaded with dumb plot potholes and loopholes. Plus product placement disgusto everywhere.
- The offensively terrible introduction of Jazz.
All in all, I guess you can't expect anything to great from a Transformers movie (then again the theater applauded in the end so what to I know). I mean when the whole show is based on a friggin toy, the foundation is gonna be pretty shaky. But it didn't have to be like this. Couldn't somebody read the script and see Optimus saying something like, 'After we find your grandfather's eyeglasses which we discovered on eBay you must shove the special power cube into my chest which will kill me- but I am willing to sacrifice myself for human-kind. Now go! Go and save Bumble Bee!'-- and think... maybe we should rethink this a little? Anyone? Bueller? Bay?...nay.
of course not. who cares? not them. obviously.
PS. Something is coming... here. Saw a preview for it last night. Mysterious!