Underworld: Evolution

So last night around 11ish I got bored and decided I should go down the street to see a movie with a friend of mine. We decided on this vampire/wolfman flick. Not sure why I thought seeing this would be a good idea considering I thought the first one was dopey ok- but nothing really memorable. So why would I see the sequel? Especially one that's supposed to suck. Well put it this way: If Underworld: Evolution was going to be on the cable tv at midnight I'd probably watch it. So technically I do want to see it on so level. And as for the $9.75? Well a beer round these parts is at least $5 each. So if I went to a bar down the street instead of going to the movies I'd end up spending way more than $9.75. So in some ways I save myself money by going to see bad movies like this. And sitting through a movie that I don't want to really see is a really a small price to pay for being fiscally responsible.

Anyway, armed with twizz and combos and water (yes I realize the snacky snacks factor into the math equation but its still less than drinking beer) I sit down and this movie starts up. And it opens really big! Weird looking dudes on horses riding into a burning village! The dead bodies everywhere start changing into wolfmans and attacking! Smash! Tackle! Bite at neck! Heads lopped off! Bloody teeth! Stab in the gut with a grin! Snarls and howls! Bone stretching crackly facial transformations! Yay! I was digging it! And then!... And then! And then the next thing I knew I was like dead asleep. Not sure what came over me but something about certain special effects sometimes shut my brain off. I was out like a light.

Off I sailed into dreamy sleepyland only to snap awake 10 minutes later at the sound of a explosion or something. And I'd watch that action scene wide eyed. Blood! Bite! Grab! Throw! Rip! Then there'd be some jibberjabber about the vampire this and the wolfman that and I'd fall asleep again. Out like a light. Only to wake up 12 minutes later to see some crazy vampire creature flying along side a truck and smashing itself into the windows. Yay! I'd be wide awake watching it and be sort of impressed by the spectacle. Then the downtime would come. And I'd close my eyes and enjoy a dream break. Then wake up later to some other attack or fight or gun battle. I've never seen a movie that way before. On and out. On and out. It made my brain crazy.

It's probably unfair for me to write a full review for this movie because I seriously slept through a healthy chunk of it. But to be honest it really wasn't a bad way to see the movie. It was sort of like hitting fast forward in my head. Boring part? No problem! Pass out! Wake up again when it sounds like something is going on! Skip over Kate arrogantly-carried-away-with-her-own-beauty Bozwarf babbling bout bloodlines! Zip right through some loopy backstory yadda! Stopping (waking) to play only the good parts! And in this movie there actually were a few really nicely crunchy action sequences. I'm sure if I watched the movie straight through it would have been torturous- but with the 5 or 6 sleepbreaks the whole experience kind of worked!

Three Good Things About this Movie

- The main vampire creature guy with the wings looked cool when he'd fly around.
- Kate Bozmorft looked hot in her Trinity ripoff outfit.
- The sound throughout the movie was real strong.

Three Bad Things About this Movie

- Some of the effects were like 15 years old.
- Way often they defaulted into rapid choppy amateur hour edits for both action and flashback scenes.
- Any movie that makes you sleep through a solid third of it has got to be lacking in something.

All in all my narcoleptic experience makes this review sort of half-assed but from what I saw this is really a video rental at best. I do admit that I was kind of wowed by the look and action of stuff (in a minor league way). And the ending was cool. And the acting seemed above average for a B- flick. And I was somewhat interested in the 'bloodline' storyline-- just not quite enough to stay awake for the details... mercifully.

<<<CHYATT