X-Men Origins: Wolverine

Ok let me think of a good analogy for what this flick is.... ummm.... Ok... How bout this?

It's like pissing in your pants to warm up when it's freezing outside. It's as lazy as you can be about a bad situation. Sure, there's something about it that might feel good for a second or two-- but the reality is you quickly realize it's nothing but an embarrassing mistake.

While watching this FU flick for the soon to be former Wolverine fans I basically took out a mental notebook and started making a list of all the things wrong with it.

That mental notebook looked like this:

I honestly can't write a 100% fair review for this movie because I fell asleep twice. Out cold. Once around the half-hour mark I dozed off for a solid 15 minutes. The second pass out was after the first hour where I remember being woken up by some sort of action explosion or something and deciding I cared so little about this movie that I didn't even open my eyes to see what was going on. Eventually I blankly stared at the rest of this hackcrap through the way lame ending that involved a fight nobody cared about and pussy Wolverine carrying a girl off into the sunset. Yawn.

If they only listened to me they'd have a hit! Here's what they needed to do. First off, throw Huge Jackoff overboard. It's enough of him and his eyebrow and chest. Start fresh with someone new. Not a pretty boy either. Get someone who looks like an actual animal. And have him be 5' 2". Scrappy and killy. Make it Rated-R and really put those claws to work Freddy Krueger style. I don't need a fist against in someone's chest as they gasp. I need them raked across the bad guys face and eyes. I need to see Wolverine crouch, spin around as someone charges, and take off a leg mid thigh. Reinvent him. Scare off the kids. (I know I'm dreaming) Have him always be borderline out of control. And just hit people hard with what the essence of Wolverine is. Cut this ladeedah bullshit. I've had it with sideshow superhero movies like this. Either kick it up a notch or stay home.

Yeah, I'm in a pissed off mood. But this thing is nothing but a big missed opportunity cobbled together by lazy hollywood shitheads who take advantage of idiots like me...

Three Good Things About Things About this Movie

- The claws are always kind of cool.
- It made me laugh out loud at times (although that's not what it was looking for)
- It had a couple moments of coolio. The opening credits sequence was one.

Three Bad Things About This Movie

- The dialogue was beyond lazy. It was old. At one point Lief seriously said, 'Well well well... Look what the cat dragged in...'
- Fake exciting music in fake exciting scenes thumped all over a nonsense non-plot.
- The only thing this movie made me care about was getting the hell out of there.

I knew this movie would be punishing going in. It had that smell. That burned money mixed with doody smell. The whole thing was sort of like going to a Harlem Globetrotters game and them deciding to not do any tricks. Sure, it's sort of coolio to watch them run around but at some point you get hit with the, 'Is this it? Is this all they're going to do today?' It was the first time I walked out of a superhero movie without feeling all cheated for not having superpowers of my own to play with...


 **Apologies for the half-assed review. I just couldn't get the strength to really dig in on this. It didn't earn the energy for me to even rip into it properly.
But next week! Star Trek! Psyched!