War of the Worlds
DUDE! SHUT UP! SHUT UP WITH YOUR CRAZY THEORIES ABOUT PRESCRIPTION MEDICATION! YOU'RE NOT A DOCTOR! AND IF YOU WERE ONE YOU'D BE BAD AT IT! DON'T MAKE BLANKET STATEMENTS ABOUT PSYCHIATRY! WHAT ARE YOU MENTAL? NOT ONE PERSON HAS BENEFITED FROM PRESCRIPTION DRUGS?! SINCE WHEN? THE BRAIN IS AN ORGAN! THINGS CAN GO WRONG! SOMEONE PUT A MUZZLE ON THIS GUY! WHERE'S THAT OLD PUBLICIST? BRING HER BACK! WHY DO I THINK EVEN SCIENTOLOGISTS ARE CRINGING! I DON'T NEED TO KNOW THE HISTORY OF PSYCHIATRY TO KNOW THERE'S PROBABLY SOMETHING LEGIT IN IT SOMEWHERE< DUNCE! IT'S NOT FRIGGIN VOODOO! (no offense to voodoo people. please don't put a curse on me. i didn't mean your kind of voodoo. i meant the fake kind. the kind that gives voodoo a bad name. That kind.) ANYWAY, I WANT MY REGULAR CRUISE BACK! NOT SOME LOON WHO USES THE WORD 'GLIB'! IT TAKES AWAY FROM MY FUN AT THE MOVIES! I SEE A LOON NOW! NOT A COOL ACTOR! NO ONE CARES ABOUT YOUR DOPEY THEORIES! WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT!?! WRITE AN ARTICLE IF YOU REALLY WANT TO GET THE WORD OUT! AND JEEZ THE WHOLE RELATIONSHIP THING IS JUST CREEPY CRAWLY! STOP! STOP STOP! IT'S MORE THAN ENOUGH!
Ok. Phew. Ok WOTW. The first half hour of this movie is fantastic. Awesome. It's probably one of the best action sequences I've ever seen. It just kept coming. As soon as it started up I was in awe and in love with what was going on. It looked great. It looked real. It felt real. The sound rocked. It was just friggin unfriggin believeable. And for the first 40 minutes of this flick I was completely pumped up. I stared at the screen and I wanted to lick it. I was smiling with my mouth wide open like monkey who just hit someone in the face with a banana peel. I was tingling with hopes that this movie might be one of the best summer movies ever made.. I was in. Nothing was going to shake this movie off me. But...
...then the bubble popped. I'm not sure at what point it popped but around the one hour mark my head wasn't totally in the game anymore. I was just watching a regular ol' movie. I lost focus. The issues started piling up. Dumb comments. Dumb actions. Plus I noticed audience people around me started talking saying stupid stuff and it made things worse. Like in one scene, a whole slew of people got killed I heard some dopey chick behind me say loudly, 'That's sad! That's so sad!' Sad? Thanks honey. Glad you think hundreds of people dying in a sci-fi flick is "sad". Thanks for chiming in. Now shut your damn cakehole!
Logic problems on both the human side and the alien side started piling up on top of each other like a fumble recovery. And I wasn't caring about the main characters. If an alien robot thing grabbed Dakota Fanning and flung her over the trees and over a big hill and then we just hear a faraway thud, I'd be like, 'Great! Who's next? Grab her brother! Do it again! Do that guy! In fact, rip his stupid head off and throw it separately! And let the head sail thru the air and smash through a kitchen window and land on someone's kitchen table right in the mashed potatoes SPLUT! just as they're saying grace!
I edited out this add-on to that:
(After the head lands right in the mashed potatoes, let the kids scream and then have Meadowlark Lemon show up and grab the head and bring it out front where the rest of the Globetrotters are. And then play the Georgia Brown music and let them do basketball tricks with the head. And then they have the aliens show up and challenge them to a game. And then after the game, the globetrotters teach the aliens how to make omelets. One alien says in a robot voice, "No.... peppers... please." And one other alien rolls his eyes and says, 'He.... hates.... peppers...I... like.... peppers.' )
I edited that out with good reason apparently.
Anyway, there is alot to like about this movie. The pacing is nice. Some visuals are bonerific. The train especially. It shifts gears often enough to stay interesting. The action and scenery is solid. But somehow it wasn't grabbing me by the feet and turning me upsidedown and shaking me till all my change fell out. I was digging it but I wasn't flipping. The reality washed off at some point. Every character just filled in the blanks or were actual blanks. I was more interested in the faceless aliens. The plotline became sorta dopey and all that-- But whatever! Everything was keeping above water fine... Until...
WARNING: THE FOLLOWING IS CONSIDERED A SPOILER IN CERTAIN CIRCLES! (No plot is given away tho)
...the ending of this flick belly flopped so hard SMAK! it made me backtrack and respect the whole movie less across the board. It left a big red ouch right on the belly of the flick. And when I look back on it I'll always see and hear that belly flop. It hurt. It hurt bad. It made me close my eyes tight and wish I didn't see what I thought I just saw. But it was burned into my brain for good. You just can't forget a thing like that.
Three Good Things About this Movie
- The opening scene riveted me at the same level as the opening scene in
- The 50's style aliens and attacks was totally fresh and retronew.
- I was never totally bored.
Three Bad Things About this Movie
- I wanted less chase and more war.
- Once Tim Robbins showed his face the reality snapped and the whole tangent made my eyebrows go toward my nose.
- The crowds/mobs sometimes acted like they were in a movie.
All in all this is a show to be seen. The visuals alone carry this movie just fine. The biggest flaw about it is Spielberg himself who just couldn't bring himself to rip himself away from himself. He had to Spielberg it up all Hollywood clean. This flick coulda (shoulda) been just the beginning of something great. Something darkly good. A new legit trilogy of films leading up to an all-out war. What the Matrix should have been. But that really can't happen now because Spielberg didn't leave the door open for us to journey through. Instead he annoying slammed it shut.... right on our friggin toes.