June 30 2011

My Cherries Gone All Weird

I’m a big fan of cherries so when they came coming for me this summer I was all over them. They go great with TV. I can eat em by the dozens and the only side effect I get are superfarts. Can’t help myself. But this year something is different about cherries. They ain’t look right. They don’t taste quite right. Almost like they’re ‘cherry flavored’. My first three bags of cherries this season have all been filled with weird mutants too.

Not to be all paranoid on the genetic modification thang– but I can only assume cherries have been overmodified with genetic freakery– and have now mutated out. So many variations and weird growths. Most of em have weird extra stems.

Alot of em look like they have wangs on em. Or shaped like asses or hearts. (last night one had little cherry wang and two mini balls growing under the wang but I tossed it because it freaked me out). Is this a geneticists idea of a joke?

The pits are weird too. Almost like they’re coated with something. Look at these things. Almost all of em had that extra growth in one way or another!

Anyway, it’s upsetting to think about what’s going on with fruit nowadays. I heard recently about chinese watermelons exploding all over the place and stuff like that. There’s also been fruits and vegetable showing up on the shelves that I’ve never even heard of before. Seems like they’re just making stuff up at this point.

It just bothers me to see that they’ve gotten to my cherries. That means apples are next and then all fruit is going to be ruined– unless I make a real effort to go organic– but now I’m hearing that you really can’t trust things labeled ‘organic’ because the word itself has been genetically modified or something. I don’t know if that’s true though. I don’t know.

Alls I know is I don’t dicks, balls and asses and weird mutant growths all over my friggin cherries!! The quote is “Life is just a bowl of cherries…” Not “Life is just a bowl of cherries (with new freaky wangs growing all over em)!”

ok bye!


Jenna in Jerz says:

Maybe you should visit a farm and pick your own.

Anonymous says:


Anonymous says:

maybe you should shut the fuck up and let todd amuse us idiots with his dick and balls cherries

Anonymous says:

Now I’ve seen a lot of bullshit. Angel dust. Switchblades. Sexually perverse photography exibits involving tennis rackets. But this…. This is the greatest thing ever.

Nico says:

Blahblahbalah your so original…not

JT says:

Yeah, I’m sure there are plenty of farms in Brooklyn!! (Just kidding Jenna!!;-P. That’s actually a great idea!)

Aren’t those farmers’ markets supposed to help us avoid this kinda stuff??

Hey says:

Don’t think this cherry wang fiasco will cover up the gary busey gif. We want answers!

Goats says:

I’ve noticed the same thing. Try Fresh Direct. They usually have the best fruit, even if it’s expensive.

the REAL weeze says:


naisy says:

yea jenna, im sure he can visit a farm….in nyc….like he could just walk down the block….just sayin, ur dumb.

Fruity says:

Most vegetables taste worse than they tasted a decade ago.

Nate says:

If you are eating vegatables today that you also ate a decade ago, of course they taste worse. They are only good for a few weeks max.



My Butt Here says:

Buy local and organic. Sometimes it’s gonna look weird that’s nature. Grow your own and see how it looks, not like the picture perfect commercial fruit and veggies. Even goes for meat. If they didn’t genetically modify it, inject it with saline and red dye it would be grey and shriveled from sitting around so long.

Tiffany says:

Don’t think that’s Gary Bussey in the GIF, looks like my elementry school gym teacher. Mrs. Wordell. Should probably go visit her at the old folks home, been 30 years now. Make that fucker go run around the gym in boots until her legs fall off. Oh did someone steal your sneakers, too bad you can run in your boots while the other kids eat cupcakes and we all laugh at you. Sweet justice will be mine.

spacetrucker says:

Yeah, I see what you mean tOdd.
Strawberries are the same way. All applely like in consistency and morphed up with lumpy shapes. Like they are all triple X-Y chromosomed and mutated. Think cows with two heads, three eyed fish and those cutie-cute five and seven-legged bambi fawns.

Messin with the grafting of fruit tree species and cross-pollinating to get trees (and animals) to produce more, faster, better and for less.

The results:
The stuff looks weird.
Tastes like it’s had flavoring added.
Doesn’t have the normal consistency you’d expect.

Strawberries that are apple-like.

“Gee, we haven’t messed with peaches for a while now, maybe we can get them to the regulation baseball consistency so they aren’t so prone to unpredictable weather changes and provide a more fibrous diet addition.

Jenna in Jerz says:

There are many farms located within a short distance of NYC… I live only a few miles from Todd, and pick my own fruits and veggies. Thinking that there’s nothing growing near NYC is simply stupid.

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