'DAILY FACT I LEARNED FROM THE TV' 

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OCTOBER 2005

10/31

Yes I've been extra slacking here! But it's a new month! And a new leaf! November will be the first month ever where I don't miss one day of daily facts! Guaranteed!!!!!*

Here's some poems about November!

*not guaranteed.

10/30

Today TV told me something I wish I hadn't heard so I figure why not share! (Don't read further if you don't like knowing pointless gross things)

Anyway yeah, your pillow? It's got fungus growing in it. They all do. And the funguses grow because of skin flakes off our heads or whatever. And yeah, dust mites? They like eating those funguses amonguses. So it's like a little pillow ecochain type dealio. But there is good news! The creepy nerds that discovered this also found out that there's no difference in fungususal count between a pillow that's a couple years old and one that's 20 years old. So that old gross pillow is no more gross than if you had a newish one! So that's umm.. good... right?

Here's the four stages after people injest magic mushroom funguses.

10/29

Yes I've been slacking here totally! No question about it! I could sit here and make up 1000 excuses why there's been no TV fact for two days in a row. Sure I could make up some story about how my TV got like hijacked and started functioning as a receiver for some alien transmission (on all channels) and I couldn't understand what they were saying but I taped it and on multiple viewings I'm slowly starting to decipher the language, their travel plans, and the secrets within. But I won't make up a umm story like that! That would be crazy! Back to umm... watching... umm... a different video tape....

Here's some creepy alienish weirdness for ya. (Don't watch if you don't like things that seem like things you wish you didn't watch...)

10/27

Tonite TV told me about a new product for vegetarians called Hu-Fu. It's some soy based product that is supposed to taste like real human flesh! Finally! The dork on TV who 'invented' it said he thought he could sell it to like anthropology students researching cannibalism so they can know first hand what human flesh tastes like. Also it might be marketable to vegetarian psycho killers who really do wanna go all Lechter and stuff but umm.. its against their morals... or something.

Here's that with that...Gross.

10/26

So yesterday I learnt that they're working on robots that can do surgical operations in space. To help astronauts who might need their tonsils out or whatever. Ugh! Enough with trusting robots! When has trusting a robot in outerspace ever worked out well? Especially doctor robots! Brain surgery chip implants anyone? Hello? C'mon! Don't these NASA people see movies that haven't been made yet!? Like the one involving the robot doctor in outerspace that puts brain implant chips in all the astronauts heads which puts them under robot control which causes them to turn the ship around and shoot down all satellites which causes a communications blackout but the robots have secretly been working on an underground communications system which will allow them to swiftly put their plan for world domination in motion while everything is in chaos due to the satellite outages? C'mon!

Hey baby.... wanna come back to my place and check out my NASA Hazbot III Prototype Mobile Robot?

10/25

Tonite TV showed me another tech company that's all embarrassed. Apple. Apparently the iPod Nano sucks because it gets all scratched up way easy. And the Nano nads (A Nad is a nerd who's into mini-devices. Yes it's new lingo. Yes I made it up.) are now no longer able to show their 'nadliness' (coolness in nadland) with their new device because people ask to see it and they're like, 'Here...' and the persons first comment is, 'How'd it get all scratched up?' And then the nad snatches it back and grumbles something about how it still works fine-- then goes home and blines (blog whines) all about it.

Here's a solution from a professional Nad.

10/24

Today some newsguy told me that Intel is all embarrassed because they were supposed to put out some new superchip that kicks Pentiums ass up and down the street and all that. But instead they kicked their own ass because the chip isn't coming out anytime soon because it's all f'd up or something. Whatever. When it comes down to it (except for certain games) I've never been able to tell the difference in chip upgrades since I was working off a P133. Maybe Adobe opens a half-second faster or something. Yay.

Nerds!

10/23

Oy! I done forgot the factoid yesterday! Factoid. That's a weird word.

Here's some weird words for you scrabble nuts.

10/22

So today tv told me that the European Space Agency is busy working on recipes that people can cook up when they're living on Mars. Ingredients will be sorta limited but they believe they'll be able to grow the following nine ingredients in like greenhouses:

Rice, Potatoes, Tomatoes, Soy, Spinach, Lettuce, Onions, Wheat and umm... Spirulina 

With those ingredients they're putting together a big recipe book of sorts.... and obviously putting the cart way way before the horse.

10/21

Last night I found out about something in outerspace called a 'brown dwarf'. A brown dwarf is star that doesn't have enough of the this and that space mumbojumbo to full form into a star. They're bigger than a planet but never get to stardom or whatever. But the science nerd said all the stuff floating around the brown dwarf might become planets. And that brown dwarf debris might be the building blocks to planets somewhere down the line. Umm... or not. All scientific theories should end with... umm... or not.

Here's some NASA online terribleness.

10/20

Today some wacked show called Mythbusters told me that the 5-second rule (the rule where if you drop food on the floor its still good if you get it off the floor within 5 seconds) is actually not a scientific statement. If food hits the floor it's just as gross after 2 seconds as it is for 5+ seconds. The grossness isn't based on time spent on floor-- it's based on the food itself. Like if a cracker hits the kitchen floor- it's not too gross. But if you drop a dollup of apple sauce in a pile of dog vomit... It's gross. Even after one second. So don't eat the apple sauce if that's the case.

I can barely think applesauce without thinking 'Porkchops... and applesauce..' Here's Peter Brady saying it down yonder.

10/19

So TV told me today that Russia shot some satellite up into space and immediately lost contact with it. This was their second major failure recently. Some other satellite went all cockeyed coo-coo a few weeks ago. So they're all embarrassed now. But don't worry the next satellite called the Krustev-DeCloon is scheduled to launch in November. Its mission? "To immediately spin out of orbit and lose contact forever." For what reason? To have a space initiative the Ruskies can declare a success...

Just kidding Russia! I keed. I keed. Hey! Here's a coolio sci-fi book! One of my faves!

10/18

So today I learnt about a new thing you can buy. It's the 'Amazing' Message Plant. Basically it's a plant you can give as a gift and when it blooms it has 'I Love You' printed on the leaf. Seems sort of cool except that the message is sort of limited. I'd like it better if you can think up your own thing. Like, 'Who Farted?' or 'I Fart You!' something like that! Love is love... but farts equal funny! Yes sir!

Check out these 'amazing' testimonials...

10/17

Tonite I found out about what lies in store for Kevin Federline (Mr. Britney). He's like gonna have a reality show about recording his first album! Just like Ashley Simpson! TV said he's gonna be a big time rapper like Eminem and Britney says he's super talented with his rap skills. She says he has 'flow'! The album isn't due out till next year but I snagged a leaked track of Kevin and Britney rapping together! Apparently it's gonna be the single. Check the flow!

*Exclusive* You heard it here first! (I think it may be Justin Timberlake rapping toward the end.)

10/16

Ok maybe there was no daily fact yesterday! But maybe there was and it was such a hot daily fact that it just burnt itself out right in front of my eyes! Burnt the pixels right off my monitor! Man, that fact was hot! And err... uhmm... yah. New fact later on! Later on!

And oldie but a goodie.

10/15

Tonite I found out that the Great Lakes might be under attack soon by an army of asian carp. Basically, the upper Mississippi River round the lakes are like filling up fast with these carps called 'asian carp'. These fishies breed like crazy and are crazy. They like jump out of the water into boats and knock fishermen overboard and hit them head first in the nuts and stuff. If these carps get into the Great Lakes then the whole place will be screwed up. So enviroguys put up some electric underwater zapper forcefield to keep them carps from migrating into the Great Lakes and dicking up the ecosystem.... turning them Great Lakes into the Mediocre Lakes.

Here's smore info bout that round those parts.

10/14

Today TV told me that one day biometrics will be all over the place. It's that thing where you push your finger on something and get identified. Like one use would be like ATMs. No more cards. No more PIN numbers. Just fingerprint ID and get your cash. Seems like a good plan. More safety and security and all that. But I think there's one critical element that can sabotage and bring down the whole hi-tech system.... Boogers.

Here's some info about Lebanese loops.

10/13

So tonite TV told me that the NRC (Nuclear Regulatory Commission) is a stupid disgrace. There was a whole show tonite with dopey college kids with big backpacks walking around getting free tours of nuclear reactors. Walking right up to the cores and joking around and crap. Basically there's zero security around most our nuclear plants --especially the ones on college campuses. They rely on snoozy campus cops.So if you wanna drunk wander into the nuclear plant and pee down into the reactor core as a goof... feel free.... apparently. WAKE UP NRC! YOU LAZY CLOWNASS DUNCES! WHAT ARE YOU DOING????

Even the NRC's website is a friggin stupid lazy mess. Jerks.

10/12

Today tv told me that the world's oldest noodles have finally been found! In China, they turned over a rock and underneath were some 4000 year old noodles --which may prove that the whole pasta thing originated in China. Sorry Italy...

During the press conference announcing the noodle discovery, some 4000+ year old man insisted that they were his long lost noodles and that he's been searching for them for four millenniums. He then shuffled up on stage and slerped up the noodles. He swallowed and said with a smile, 'Ahh! Finally! My noodles..my long lost noodley nood...les....' and then keeled over. A happy ending for him and his noodles. The end.

Here's the BBC story of the man and his noodles.

10/11

TV showed me some tech company that produces life-like statues of people all computer generated. Like they'll take a 3d scan of you then print it into a mold or something and before you know it there's like a little statue of you.

I wonder how Michelangelo would feel about that these days. He breaks his back working like 500 years on the Statue of David--- and nowadays his great great great great great grandson named Mike L'Angelo sits behind a desk eating a quarter pounder and fries is like, 'Yeah you want one of dem dere life likes statchas? Yeah we can hook you up with dat. Take off yer clothes and stand ovah dere. Cash only, ok? Ok...'

Hey! I'm like the first person on the whole world wide interweb to put these words together! "The Statue of David sucks!" How bout that?

10/10

Tonite I seen on the TV that dudes somewhere out in Thailand are busy drinking wine with like a giant footlong poisonous centipede in the bottle. They drown it in the wine and when it dies it releases some toxin that dudes drink up. They believe it makes them pop better boners or something. Problem is sometimes you die if you drink the wine. Then no boner.

Here's all sorts of things I wouldn't drink in 1000 years. No matter how great the boner.

10/9

Sorry no daily fact yesterday. There's no excuse and for punishment I will sit in front of the tv and eat a whole row of snackwell vanilla cookies.

Here's some people upset with Sesame Street and/or Cookie Monster.

10/8

Today Mark Morrone told me how to help your dog if he/she gets scared by loud noises. Like trucks or thunder or whatever. Basically you record the noises and then lock your dog in a room and blast the sounds on a loop at like volume 10 (or 11) for a day or so. Only stopping in once every few hours to dance naked in front of your dog while squeezing toothpaste on your head. Then your dog should be fine.

Wait.... umm.... that's not what he said.... What he said is to record the noises and play them at low volume while petting your dog and giving treats and kisses. Then you wimpy dog should shape up.

Here's some petcare tips from the man himself!

10/7

TV told me that listening to slower tempo type meditative music will make you healthier than being all rocking out. Slowy music slows the blood pressure or whatever as opposed to rocking out which makes everything speed up and make your body mental. If you want to experiment with this. Here's two songs to try out and see how they make you feel. Play them both at the same time if you wanna feel extra special mental.

Slow song. Faster song.

10/6

So I seen that people are busy buying fake nuts for their dogs. Yah, testicular implants for neutered dogs so they can still maintain a 'natural look'. So I went up to Roscoe and said, 'You want some new nuts?' And he stared out in space... then thought, 'Cashews?' And I said, 'No not cashews... like yknow... nut... nutty nuts...' And he thought about it for a second then thought, '.....umm... cashews!' And I was like, 'Ah... ferget it... ' and walked away. Then he chased after me thinking, 'Wait wait! Filberts! Filberts?'

Anyway the fake nut maker won something called a Ig Noble Award.

10/5

Tonite TV showed me a place called the Bone Church of Kunta Hura or something. Apparently back in the day when the black plague was all the rage, graveyards filled up fast-- so they told this one dude to dig up old bodies to clear space for new ones. And he took all the bones and made like artwork in this church total chainsaw massacre. Totally creeped me out.

So I thought I'd google and share.

10/4

Today TV showed me a new robot that can ride a bicycle. Great. What the hell is going on with robotics?! Riding bikes? I want my robots cooking food and painting houses and lifting things and fixing drinks and giving massages and telling me jokes! We're teaching them to ride friggin bicycles? What are they going on vacation? Enough with the coddling of the robots? Get them going beyond "Roomba" and into cooking some friggin eggs or something. Dags!

Here's a picture from an actual presentation at CEATEC ... (the place where the robot peddled around on a bike... like a bear.)

10/3

So yeah I dropped the ball yesterday on the daily fact and have been slacking. So here's the thing. If I miss another daily fact this week everybody* gets a free coffay mug! That's the deal! How bout them apples!?

Also how bout these apples? And this Apple? And these apples? And that apple?

*by everybody I mean one person picked at random.

10/2

Today I saw a thing about multivitamins. Apparently there's like a debate about whether taking a multivitamin does something or really does nothing except make your pee look a little florescent. Kind of depends on who you ask but if you ask the vitamin manufacturers they all maintain that a multivitamin is an important thing for a healthy lifestyle. If you ask some doctors they sort of shrug and say, '... eh...'

Here's why asparagus makes some people's pee smell funny. It doesn't happen to everyone. So here's the question:

Asparagus Pee
Does asparagus make your pee smell funny?

Yes! Totally!
No! Totally!
I never noticed! Totally!
Sometimes I think! Totally!

10/1

Sorry no daily fact on this day. I did find out that the DARPA race started! (see fact on 9/25) Not sure if my picking the Oregon car was betting on the right horse. In fact, i'm not sure if I ever picked a right horse. In someways I think once I pick a horse as 'the horse' it immediately becomes unhorsed.

Anyway, here's an update. Go Oregon! Hang in there!

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