July 20 2010

The Dysfunctional Pocketless Pocket Situation (**with update!**)

So I have one favorite pair of shorts. These here:



I wear these shorts probably three days a week all summer long. They’re my fave. A few weeks ago I noticed there was a decent sized hole in one of the front pockets. My keys snuck through and I was like, ‘Oh no! Pocket hole!’ So did I sew? No.

As a precaution I totally ripped the hole open all the way so there was no chance of things sneak falling out while I walked around. If I put anything in there it would immediately slide through and hit the floor. Straight through. So I’d know right away that that pocket can’t be trusted. Smart right? With these cargo shorts I had five other pockets too! I figured I’d just learn to not use the left front one. Break the habit of it…

Three weeks later I’m still constantly putting things in the pocket-less left front pocket! And stuff has been hitting the floor (or concrete) way often whenever I wear these shorts! Wallet (foomp). Keys (clank). iPhone (clatter). Straight through. Swish! Over and over and over and over and over. I’ve been dropping stuff straight through for weeks now.

(Admittedly I am now officially impressed with the durability of the iPhone. I’ve dropped it at least a dozen times now. That thing should be way broken by now. Yes, I know I should get a protector thing but that’s a whole other story. I’ve had three cases so far. Long story.)

Anyway, this morning I’m getting ready to head out to walk the dog and put my keys in my pocket (clank). Then a minute later I grab my wallet and put it through (foomp). And I’m like, ‘WTF!!! When is this going to stop!?!’ As if my tailor fairy was slacking on vacation or something.

Finally, a lightbulb went off in my head and I simply grabbed a safety pin and pinned the left front pocket shut. Condemned it. Now whenever I go for that pocket, safety pin is all, ‘Nuh uh uh… No mas!’ And I’m like, ‘Thanks safety pin!’ And I’ll use another pocket.


Smart thing, right?! Except it’s not! Because it took me over three weeks to deal with the situation! All sorts of options to choose from– and finally I took action with a lazy temp fix! Why do I get the feeling ‘normal’ people who have a pocket-hole situation deal with it asap? Or at least after a day or so. Especially, when something like an iPhone is at immediate risk. (btw sometimes I’d have my headphones on and drop the iphone through and I’d have that awkward moment of wires connected to my ears hanging dangling out my pant leg. I’d like freeze not knowing how to deal with the situation. Scared a sudden move would make the jack pop out…)

Anyway, when I get these shorts back from the laundry if safety pin is gone– I’ll know I need a more serious solution. And unfortunately I know the three week turnaround toward a new solution will start all over again…

ok bye!

PS. I made these cargo ‘shorts’ myself after recently finding out stuff about cargo ‘pants’. (I posted about the cargo-pants situation a while ago here if you’re in a readee mood.

PPS. I hadddd to go brag about the ‘durability’ of the friggin iPhone– yah.. this was yesterday after a simple drop to a wooden floor. Crackkk… still works tho… So I guess that’s something.



Goats says:

The word “Gork” is coming to mind….in a good way of course.

Dork? says:


Mr. Hyabusa from Japan says:

Greetings Mr. Todd,
I am a master of kicking people in the face. My snapping hook kicks has knocked out many teeth over the years. 4th degree black belt in Shotokan Karate. I will teach you.

— Mr. Hyabusa from Japan —

Anonymous says:

You are not Chuck Norris. Isn’t that right Mr. Bukkake?

the 1 REAL TRUE weeze says:


WTF!?!?!?!? says:

Maybe Mr. Bukkake could kick the shit out of weeze, then get deported… back to his Mom’s basement.


Amy says:

whenever I see the word POCKET it makes me think of hot pockets lol

.... says:

…you fat slob.

Karen says:

Why don’t you just try to staple the pocket hole shut if you have an aversion to using a needle and thread? Then at least you can still use it. You have to make sure it is a good, firm staple though with ne edges to scrape your leg. Pocket material is thin- it should work fine.

Amy2 says:

I actually think that is a smart solution tODD but LEARN HOW TO SEW!

James Polk says:

Your laziness truly amazes me

Crumbles says:

I keep putting stuff in a pocket I have like that and WHAM

klobster says:

Never thought of using the safety pin to… I don’t know, maybe pin the hole shut?

Anonymous says:

There’s probably someone that works at the laundrymat that’ll sew it for a couple of bucks.

Number 9? Number 9? Number 9? says:

Yeah, then we’ll be hearing how Todd let the Asian laundry lady get into his pants. For mon-ay.

I for one would like to hear that story. Or WATCH THE FRIGGIN CARTOON of it.

mepball says:

I doubt he do it if she was not hot.

theresa says:

Todd, if you “made” the shorts, you should be able to figure out how to “fix” the pocket! If you want to keep wearing them 3x a week, fix ’em!
I like the idea of the laundry people doing it too, if you’re too ‘fraid….

g says:

if you are THAT lazy, super glue…

g says:

hell even duct tape! i mean seriously you can’t come up with a way to not sew AND fix the hole in your pocket…

crankor says:

gay shorts dude i bet that hole in your pocket is for easy access


Duct tape fixes everything!!!!!!!!!

Sh!tForBra!ns says:

I have the EXACT same pair of shorts. I wear them practically year-round, except for laundry day. Find what works and stick with it.

Whheezer says:

Is that a vuvzela in your pocket or ar eyou happy to see me?

Z says:

Hi tOdd,

Very amusing story as usual! I think you need a wife who knows how to sew. She coulda nipped the problem in the bud on day 1.


Czechmate says:

Nice legs, tOdd.

ali says:

at Target they have 20 differnt pairs of cargo shorts — all pockets in good repair. $20? Problem solved.

Anonymous says:

put your left arm in a sling. Chicks will dig it and you may not have to buy a round.

Bob in Peru

KB In Hawaii, Yes, I'm Really In Hawaii says:

I thought of the duct tape, but maintenance would be problematic after washing.

Punch (4) opposing small holes and ty-wrap the pocket shut…

If you can’t fix it w/ duct tape, ty-wraps, & WD-40 it should be thrown away…

t says:

you’re looking….fit. i’m not sure how i feel about that.

Jimmy the Juicer says:

Glue the hole shut!Use a rubber base glue,”Tear Mender” comes to mind.It is made for fabric repairs.
Washes good and your pocket is back in business.

Ok now you can read something else.

Anonymous says:

Does Current Todd hate Past Todd for not fixing the problem before? And how much is Future Todd going to hate the past Todds for STILL not fixing it?

Anonymous says:

My mind just got blown, thanks.

Mr Bill says:

You could have used the safety ping on the hole when it was small, dork.

Pay your laundry $5 to sew it up or sew a new pocket in. If not, go to Target and drop $12.95 on a new pair of shorts.

For your iphone, google “otterbox”. they are tough.

-DJ- says:

I thought you had a “girly girl” now Todd. Why hasn’t she sewn your shorts yet? Tell her to take a break from the kitchen and get on it.

ali says:

Todd? You ahve a girl? Really? sigh.

gtpjerry says:

Stuff like this is why I don’t miss checking your site every day any more. If you are truly THAT LAZY, it’s no wonder you’re unemployed.

God says:

As I’ve found out many a time, ya cant please all the people all the time…

Slap the Laziness Out of You says:

Todd, your lady friends should personally slap you for being so mother effing lazy!

yowillyjj says:

My neighbor is a crazy alcoholic.. She is always yelling woooooo …..
It is annoying.

Have a website? Wanna be featured below? Send me a banner 364x40! 100% Free!