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9/30
Today TV showed me a bunch of 'Cars of the Future' and when they say 'future' they mean as in 'never'. One of the cars was some dopey thing where if you want to parallel park the whole inside of the car rotates around so you can back in like it was the front in. Then you can spin around again and do the front end normal. Then spin around again like back in front in again. Then back forth back forth rotation till you get in the parking space. Then once parked, you puke like you just went on the teacup ride at disney. Good thing for those dashboard mounted jumbo puke holders! They think of everything!
Here's some future car that probably won't be seen never... beyond desktop wallpaper.
9/29
Hey! I'm not sure what happened today! I thought I thought I put up something yesterday but when I saw there was nothing here I thought I must have thought wrong. And when I thought that I thought I must be right about that thought.
Thought project? What were they thinking?
9/28
TV told me the best way to escape from quicksand. It's apparently a three step process.
After you fall in the quicksand, step one is to immediately panic. This may involve screaming, waving your arms frantically and possibly urinating. Step two is take everything out of your pockets as any extra weight is unnecessary. Even 1/4 lb can be the difference between life and no life. And step three is to try and reach the floor of the quicksand pit with your tippy toes. This may involve some stretching. Even if you have to put your head under you should do so. The object is to touch bottom, crouch, and then spring your way out of the quicksand-- and flop down on dry land. This is called the 'Dolphin Escape Technique or in quicksand circles its known as "The Det"
So yeah, you can either det your way out of quicksand.... or do this other way which isn't nearly as exciting or stupid.
9/27
Tonite tv told me that some scientists who look for UFOs have stopped looking in the sky for shiny discs. Alot of scientists are now thinking that maybe UFO's might be superduper small. They said that there may be a big giant pool that's filled with bubbles and each bubble is a whole universe- including ours. In any case, they're starting to believe that aliens are already here and we just can't see them yet... because they're super tiny.
Tiny bubbles. Yah. This song wreaks of slurry drunkerdness.
9/26
Ok I've been warning people about ants for a long time here. About how they seem to be weirdly overly organized and have long term plans and stuff. Well TV confirmed my ant paranoia once again by telling me about how out in the Amazon they're busy poisoning plants that don't fit with their program. So around their nests they only have plants that are good for ants. All other plants get killed by ant plantcanticide or something. Warning: You can't trust ants! (I'm serious!)
This sort of activity doesn't seem to help create a deeper understanding of our species neither.
9/25
Last night I found out it was that time of year again. When alot of nerds get together and build robots to race across the desert in the hopes of a $2M prize from our government. Last time round I think the best robot drove in a circle and then caught on fire and then it flipped upsidedown and the wheels came off. Hopefully this year might be a little better or at least I'd settle for more spectacular failures...
I'm betting on the Oregon Wave Runner! And I'm gonna monitor their project starting right now! You can check out all the teams on this dopey design website.
GO OREGON!
9/22-23-24
I had Space out.
9/21
Today I found out something kind of scary. If you take this noise and feed it into a computer it will spit out the writing that you see here (minus the oogah). (i recorded the keys as I typed it.) Yah, thars a new eavesdropping technique round these parts. All people have to do is record the sound of the keyboard typing and a computer will be able to tell what you done wrote with 96% accuracy. Ug. Stupid smart computers.
Hey, 1999 called. It wants its pricetag back.
9/20
Today the man on tv told me that they're trying to make it illegal for teenagers to talk on their cellphones while driving. Jeez! When are people going to realize that teenagers have rights! Why should they be treated like children!? They're adults! Sure maybe when I was a teen I smashed my car up 11 days after I got my drivers license. So? And three months later I rammed the front of my car into the back of a gardeners truck while merging wrong! Sure! Soon after that I drove over an island that split a street right and left and blew out a front tire. See what I'm getting at?! I didn't even have a cellphone as a distraction back then and look at all the damage I could do! Gimme a break! Oh wait... Actually... come to think of it... ban the cellphone yammer for teen drivers.
Here you can find out why you're a bad driver...
9/19
Tonite local tv news lady told me about the latest salmon scam. Lots of restaurants sell 'wild salmon' dishes but apparently most of the salmon being sold as 'wild' is really 'farmed' which I guess doesn't taste as good. It's hard to tell because wild salmon is like bright orange pinkish color... whatever that color is called... umm.. actually I guess the color is salmon come to think of it. Anyway, the reason it's hard to tell between the farmed and wild is because the salmon farmers have been feeding salmon some chemical which colors them salmon up all extra salmony. Wild, huh?
You answered 0 out of 7 questions correctly for a score of 0%. Beat that!
9/17
So the guy on TV told me today that interest in Titan (Saturn's moon) is heating up. They discovered that there's some mysterious heatsource under the surface of the planet. And on the surface it looks like it might have a bay and streams and a shoreline. Maybe the long lost water we've been looking for! So they contacted the King of Saturn to find out the dilly-o. Here's how the conversation went:
<ring ring>
<clik>
King of Saturn: (blaring alien music in the background. it gets turned down.) What what! Hello? Who?
Earth Scientist: Hello Honorable King of Saturn. We have some questions about your moon...
King of Saturn: Honorable? I'm not honorable. Who you calling honorable?
Earth Scientist: Sorry. I didn't mean to.. um... insult you.
King of Saturn: Honorable? I'm pantless most of the time around here. And I'm constantly dropping things and picking them up. Showing my butt. That's not honorable... at all.
<silence>
King of Saturn: Is it?
Earth Scientist: Right... Listen King...
King of Saturn: In fact! The only time I wear my crown is when I have a boner....
Earth Scientist: King, please we just have a couple questions about...
King of Saturn: ... and I wear my crown on my boner.
Earth Scientist: Right very much not honorable, sir. We just have a few questions...
King of Saturn: About my boner?
Earth Scientist: No sir, not about your..um... boner... about your moon.
King of Saturn: My butt? That kind of moon?
Earth Scientist: No... um... Titan... see we noticed...
King of Saturn: Gotta go. Got a boner. Gotta go show it off to the peasants. Duty calls! <clik.>
Earth Scientist: Jeez louise....
<dial tone>
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Here's a picture of the Titan shoreline. Beachfront property is going cheap.
9/16
Tonight I found out that tomorrow night and the next or something we'll have a 'harvest moon'. I didn't really understand what the newsdork on tv was saying but it had something to do with the moon rising early. Like right after sunset you'll see a full moon. Then the guy said that werewolves in particular like the harvest moon because they get a jumpstart on the evening. Then he started growling and biting at the papers in his hands and ripping them up. Then he jumped up on the desk and crouched his haunches and howled with his back arched. Then he shook his head like it was vibrating from the inside. Then he snarled and ran at the camera and like slapped at it. In the background I heard people start screaming and then it all went static. Not sure what that was about.
Anyway, here's the simply delightful Harvest Moon by Mr. Young.
9/15
So today tv told me that supernerds created the worlds smallest robot. 60 micrometers! It can move like a little inchworm and it's soooo small! (HOW SMALL IS IT!?) Well, it's so small 200 of them can dance on a single M&M! Plain! Ha ha! Seriously small, folks! It's so small it can hide behind a human hair! We're talking small! Ha! So small that some day we'll all have them running around in our bloodstream slowly causing us to change into robots from the inside out! umm... ha..
I like my robots big and giant thank you very much. Like this Mecha!
9/14
Sorry no daily fact yesterday. I'm not sure what happened. I sort of remember seeing something late night about ants that can explode themselves up during ant wars splattering their enemies with some sort of chemical that burns or something. Sort of suicide ant bomber type dillyo. But I don't really remember the whole story. Actually I guess it is a fact of sorts so there.
Josh Strickland in Georgia tells y'all how to git rid of yer fireants!
CORRECTION FOR THE 9/14 ANT FACT
9/13
So some guy on tv told me that every year men and women track runners get a little faster. But the women are getting faster faster then the men. So the guy said if things keep going this way, at the 2150 Olympics the men and women will be running side by side... and the women will win. Which of course will be the start of the female master plan. To get better at absolutely everything, take over the world, remove men from all positions of power and basically keep all men as slaves who are only used for sex!!... wait... maybe that's the male master plan... not sure...
Here's some World Domination game which goes straight over my head...
9/12
Tonite I found out how hurricanes get their names. I figured there was some sort of formula based on the stars or some history or something. But nope. Basically a bunch of top tier weather dorks sit around a table and throw out names. Then when they hit on one that seems 'hurricane-y' they just add it to the list. I was sort of psyched to my name on the list for 2005 (eastern north pacific). But then again all the Katrina's of the world are probably mad that something took over their name. And now every time they introduce themselves someone is bound to make a stupid joke... probably having something to do with 'blowing' I bet..
Anyway, here's the hurricane list o' names...
9/11
Sorry no daily fact today. But I watched them read the names off for 9/11 and its starting to seem a little awkward. I'm all about respecting the victims and honoring their memory-- but next year how bout one of the family members uses a shovel to break some friggin ground! Or at least cut the tape or something! Honor them by building a building or park for frucks sake! Make it snappy! PS. 'Freedom Tower' is a dopey name.
Let's get crackin McCrackin!
I do dig the beams tho. Here they are from my fire escape:
9/10
So I seen today that Japan is busy again hunting whales. They had to take a break because everyone was yelling at them for killing whales. But this time they're doing it for a 'different' reason. See some group of 'scientists' are gonna be heading out with the goal of catching 60 whales. Then they kill them but only study them sciencey to see how they might migrate and affect fish stock and stuff. Then they sell the whale meat to the markets for people to eat or whatever. All proceeds from the sale of the meat will umm... fund this program... and catch more whales to 'study'.... and sell.
If them jerk whalers only knew this we'd be in a better world!
9/9
Tonite I learnt about a company that's busy setting up shop to colonize Mars. They're apparently all sick of the idea that we messed up Earth with pollution and all that so they want to just get the hell off this planet and... I don't know...sit under a bubble and... like... eat weird lettuce....and boil things... and have their chicks walk around in tight jump suits... and like... munch on a new kind of plum that doesn't taste much like regular plums.... and laugh at us earthlings as we like... I don't know.... be all stupidly earthlenic. Or something...
Anyway, here's the company that's all Mars bound.
9/8
So TV told me that Toyotas are gonna start yelling at drivers soon. Basically someone at Toyota got sick of people not looking at the road while driving. So sometime soon if you're driving a Toyota and stop looking at the road, the car will see your eyes not looking and blare some sort of siren in your head to get you to focus again. I could have used that years ago when I was driving along programming radio stations on my car radio for way too long and drove over an concrete island in the middle of the road. Buhbump buhbump! Screech! Blew out a tire and everything. That was a big shocker.
Want a Toyota MR2 that sucks hardcore?
9/7
Tonite TV told me that space nerds noticed that the rings of Saturn might be disappearing. They're growing dimmer or whatever and scientists are sorta WTF about the situation. So the scientists called the King of Saturn to find out what the story is with their rings. Here's the transcript of the conversation:
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<ring ring>
King of Saturn: Hello. King here.
Earth Scientist: Hello King of Saturn. We have noticed your rings are disappearing. We were curious to know why.
King of Saturn: Why is that your business, shmucko?
Earth Scientist: Shmucko? Who you calling shmucko?
King of Saturn: Hold on one sec...
<silence>
King of Saturn: Hear that?
Earth Scientist: What?
King of Saturn: Wait... let me try again.
<small squeaky fart noise>
King of Saturn: Hear that one?
Earth Scientist: Was that a fart?
King of Saturn: No it was your mom's fart!
Earth Scientist: What are you some kind of jerk?
King of Saturn: Your mom's a jerk! A farting into the phone type jerk!
Earth Scientist: We just want to find out why your stupid rings are going away!
King of Saturn: Hold on. Sorry I'm just screwing around. I'll tell you about the rings. Sorry sorry. I think I have the printout here. One sec.
<rummaging noise>
King of Saturn: Ok here it is... umm...
<trumpety giant fart blast noise>
King of Saturn: Ha! In your face, Earth bitch! A fart for your face!
Earth Scientist: Jeez. You guys are jerks! Let me tell you something...
King of Saturn: Let me tell you something!
<another blasting fart noise. followed by hang up click and dial tone noise.>
Earth Scientist: Jeez what a jerk.
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So it remains a mystery. Here's the story anyway.
9/6
Today on the plane instead of reading I watched bullfrogs eating different things on some nature channel. Bullfrogs ate this and that. Scorpians. Other frogs. Mice. But then one frog ate this newt thing and was all psyched about it. Then he sort of gave a look like, 'I don't feel so good.' Then he croaked (so to speak). And the newt (which gave off some poison while inside the frog) just crawled out of the frogs mouth and was like, 'In your face, fat frog!' type deal.
Here's some food from the 80's including Fat Frog (which was my good humor choice...)