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SEPTEMBER 2007

9/30

Today I found out that Evander Holyfield is coming out with his own grill. The Real Deal Holyfield grill or something. I actually have the George Foreman grill but I never got the hang of it. I think I made one grilled cheese sandwich and then put it under my sink (the grill not the sandwich and that was that.) Right now it serves as a motivator for me to have a tag sale.

Possible Fact: Hulk Hogan was offered the George Foreman grill first but he turned it down to do some exercise machine or something. Dough!

He finally got his own grill that nobody asked for.

9/28

So I found out that female doctors are finally fighting back by developing a 'man-pill'. A pill like 'The Pill' but for me. It does some sort of sperm blocker thing to prevent chicks from getting preggers. Seems like a good thing I guess. Certainly beats the vasectomy situation I guess. That sort of thing always freaked me out. I mean it seems you gotta have some serious balls to get vasectomied up.

This is what you get when you misspell "vasectomy" in youtube...

9/27

News told me that the movie people are finally cracking down on websites that feature movies that are currently in theaters. Apparently they prefer the model where people pay to go to the actual movie theater and watch it on a big screen rather than sitting in front of their computer screen watching it on some super poor quality terribleness for free. Go figure.

Here's one of the sites they're suing. Get your free terrible quality screener movies while you can!

9/26

So some dopes in some lab did an experiment where they showed a bunch of people images of this and that. And somehow they came to the conclusion that humans are much better at detecting other people and animals in pictures rather than inanimate objects in pictures. Like one picture shows a machine behind a tree and people don't see the machine. But if there's a lion behind the tree people see the lion. Cause it's instinct! Whatever! Let's see what happens after robots start ripping our faces off! Then we'll see what gets detected behind a tree! Anything that can rip your face off gets detected first by instinct! Done and done! No more stupid experiments!

Here's a bunch of weird face rip tattoos...

9/25

Tonight TV finally settled something for me once and for all. For whatever reason this fact is something that has eluded me for years. One of those facts that I sort of know but don't really but feel like I should know but sort of don't. The difference between "sushi" and "sashimi". So here tis if you're like me:

Sushi is raw fish or whatever served over vinegared or salted rice. Sashimi is just the fish on it's own hanging out by itself.

So there tis! Done and done! Then after eating sushi here's what's next...

9/24

The TV told me that acupuncture is something that really works. They did all sorts of testing and found out that it relieves pain or does this and that whatever just like it says it does. The guy said. problem is it doesn't seem to matter that much where they stick the needles (maybe). He said can jam em pretty much anywhere and it may have the same desired effect. Except if you jam them in your eyeball. Then maybe that would be a different effect...

But what does some dope on TV know!? Here's some dog getting acupunctured..

So TV showed me the richest people in the world. The top Forbest people or whatever. This guy has 14.2 billion and whoever the hell has 10 billion. So I'm gonna throw a hail mary pass out to those rich people on the off chance that they are addicted to these daily facts. Can I have $100,000, please? (Cmon that's super no big deal to you!) You may donate this anonymously or not. I don't have a preference there. I will send you a signed coffay mug and a copy of my book! Done and done?

Here's the list.

9/22

Today I saw a story about how schools are having issues dealing with 'cyberbullies'. I guess the new breed of bully pushes kids around via text message and email. Man, if that's how modern bullies bully these days I could rule the school if I could go back to 4th grade! Especially if I could still be how old I am now! Let's see some bully text my 200lb self something rude! ROFL! I could totally kick his ass! And I'd throw his phone wayyy far into the schoolyard! On the concrete! LOL! Then I throw his bookbag in a puddle! And make him wear it wet!

Check here to see if you're a cyberbully...

9/21

Last night I saw some show and they were talking about Blackwater. It's this company that's made like 500 gizillion dollars sending 'contractors' to Iraq for like extra security or whatever. There's like 180,000 US contractors running around in Iraq doing stuff right now which is weird because they don't have to follow most laws and stuff.. The whole thing is very slim shady. If we really need dudes who do what they do that badly-- they should just be incorporated into our own special forces. No more under the table corporate skizzle! Done and done.

Here's the application for Blackwater jobs. I checked one of the boxes. I speak english.

9/20

So on some morning show today some chick told me how chicks should act on dates with dudes. Here's some "rules". For early dating.

1. Don't reach for a check. (She said guys want to pay the check and chicks should let them.)

2. Don't say things like, "I'll get you next time..." (She says the check should just be ignored. Said something about letting the guy feel like he's doing his job and don't compete or something...)

3. If you feel the need to reciprocate and show appreciation she said you can cook dinner or "do something with your feminine energy..." (whatever that means.)

She didn't say when the check things should evolve into the fake rummage through the wallet...

Here's some dating tips extra...

9/19

So TV told me that a big meteor crashed in Peru and it's making people sick. Like people wander up to it and breathe in whatever it's giving off and they just start vomiting or whatever. Too bad it wasn't one of those 'super powers' meteors. Just a regular ol' "make ya puke" meteor. I think it is sort of amazing with all the giant things in the universe flying around that not one friggin giant thing has smashed into the planet in like a trillion years or whatever. You'd think this planet would be knocked off its axel once a month or something...

Here goes more info...

9/18

I learned that any place that uses elephants in any sort of circus animals should be forever boycotted. That includes the stupid Ringling Bros. circus. Elephants need to be left alone. If I could take up a cause when I get rich it might be helping elephants.

Here's a nice elephant site.

9/17

So on my favorite show (Bizarre Foods with Andrew Zimmerhorn) I learned about something dudes can eat in Japan to get better boners or something. It's a frog heart. But the extra special yummyness is you eat the heart (gross) while it's (gulp) still beating. It's all Temple of Doom-y grossout and stuff. Imagine the frog sitting back and watching tv in frog heaven and seeing his demise. He'd totally do a spit-take...

Here tis. Don't watch if you gag easy...

9/16

Today I watched this guy Peter Popoff on TV who I see pretty much every Sunday night. He sells 'Miracle Spring' water in the name of the Lord. He claims it comes from some blessed spring somewhere and people claim it heals their diseases and stuff. One lady sprinkled the spring water on her head and got rid of her umm... Maple Syrup Urine disease or something. When I see guys like this dude on TV selling 'miracle water' it sort of makes me want to believe in hell...

Yes there is a real Maple Syrup Urine Disease (MSUD)... (and no the lady on TV didn't have it... and no the miracle water won't cure it...)

9/15

Ok I know I said I'd have a super fact today but I didn't find a super fact but I have a totally great excuse... umm.... and by 'great' I mean 'good'..... and by 'good' I mean 'not-so-good'.... and by 'not-so-good' I mean 'lame' and by 'lame' I mean 'terrible'!! Ok I admit it!

I downloaded this video game and been playing it non-stop all weekend! Can't stop, ok!? Free demo sucked me in! Gonna uninstall tonight before it takes over...

9/14

This Pluto fight is sort of unbelievabley awesome!

9/13

So I found out that scientists are working to protect endangered species of fish by using surrogate fish. Like if trout is endangered they'll somehow have the salmon eggs with rainbow trout stuff and make themselves some new trouts. Sounds ok but imagine the new salmon mom trying to explain to the new salmon dad how the hell she just gave birth to a school of trouts. As Marty McTrout, Salmon dad's best friend, stands over the the corner being like, "Dude! I had nuttin to do with that!? I ain't even attracted to your wife? At all!" And then she's like, "FU Marty!" And he's like, "I didn't mean it that way! Of course I'm attracted to you... I just don't want to sleep with you..." Then Salmon dad goes up and punches him in the gut and says, "Dats for either calling my wife ugly or for sleeping with her! Take yer pick, jerk!" And Marty's like, "I DINT DO NUTTIN!!!!"

Here's some pretty basic ways to find out if you're spouse is cheating...

9/12

On my favorite TV show (Bizarre Foods - Travel Channel) I learnt something about the equator. The lady said that you weigh two pounds lighter when you're standing on the equator because of umm... gravity... stuff or something. And also she showed how you can balance an egg on the head of a nail. Because if you're on the equator it's not going to fall over right or left because gravity on the equator is pulling it straight down. Not sure if I described that right...

Here's a video of someone doing the egg balance on the equator. Here's an egg equator ceremony thing? video. Humans are weird...

9/11

This year was a weird anniversary for 9/11. It didn't feel very 9/11-ee. There seemed to be alot of going through the motions. Even the new (fake?) Osama video didn't even get people nervous or pissed. It all became real wallpapery this year. Even seeing the two WTC light beams don't seem to be doing much for people. Nobody is even really looking up.

So I'll tell a little story here:

A week after 9/11/01, I went down to 'the site' with a friend of mine. Security was easing up and we figured we could sneak around the army and get relatively close to the pile and see the workers or whatever. It wasn't hard to get 'inland' and we could finally see 'it' first hand from like a block away. I remember the pile looked much smaller than I thought. I figured it would be ten stories high of rubble but it just looked like a big junkyard pile.

Anyway, the air was this yellow mist that smelled like burnt rubber and toxic toxnicity with eggs or something. (When the EPA declared it safe they were f-king flat out lying. There's no way that air passed any test.) It smelled like poison.

Volunteers were busy cleaning up the retail stores in the area. They seemed to be going store by store. Like you'd see ten people in a liquor store cleaning dust off all the bottles. That kind of thing. I wondered if they were upset that they "volunteered" and got stuck blocks away cleaning a store.

Anyway, we decided to head home and we rounded a corner and headed up the West side by the river. Along the way, there was an area with benches tucked away along a wall long wall. We stopped and stared at it. Because sitting on the wall and all over the benches... there were flowers and stuffed animals. Piled up. Lots. On top of each other. They looked like they'd been there for a couple days and had been rained on a little. Some of the stuffed animals were brand new but some were older. Some kid's treasured teddy.

I guess at some point there was a small intimate ceremony for relatives of the missing and somehow they knew they could bring something and leave it there. Flowers, gifts, treasured things whatever. And the flowers and stuffed animals all had notes attached. Kids wrote stuff in crayon like, "I miss you, Daddy. I love you." or wives wrote personal notes. We didn't open any of the sealed envelopes. We poked around looking at stuff for a while feeling like we shouldn't be there. Like it was trespassing on sacred family ground. It was so personal.

As I walked away, I wondered what they do with all that stuff after a while? Just throw it away? Does it get stored somewhere? Who makes that call? Who cleans it up? And when.

ok bye.

PS. here's what I wrote after year one 9/11.

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9/10

Besides seeing the worst award show ever (including the infamously terrible 1979 Tony awards with the stink bombs and the dead cats everywhere and the turd flinging)-- I learned on Bizarre Foods that down in Ecuador they love eating guinea pigs. You can pick em out like lobsters and they get cooked up on the spot. Supposedly pretty tasty. Might sound all sorts terrible but think about how the people who live in The Kingdom of Lobstero feel about us and how we treat lobsters...

Here's a roasting Guinea pig...

SORRY FOR THE SLACKAGE HERE!

The TV in this hotel room is at a weird angle and there's no good place to sit and watch. Monday morning I'll be back on track in front of the TV. In the meantime here's a dog who likes his waterslide.

9/6

Sorry for the sportaticalness with the factizizoids for the past few days. I'm out in West Coast and haven't been watching TV in a learny way. But today TV told me that microwave popcorn with butter is all coated with some poisonous glop and the popcorn people are like, 'Oh is it?! Shoot. Well... we will certainly umm... look into that.... poison thing...that is terrible." Pretending like they didn't know it was all toxic the whole time...

Here's and article from 2002 bout this thing. Reddenbocker and the gang just didn't care because it was only affecting the workers. Now that some popcorn addict in the public is affected they're pulling the chemical. Popcorn jerks. 

9/4

So last night I found out where the oldest restaurant in the world is. (Why is it wrong to end a sentence with "is"? If there's a better way to structure that sentence (or this one) I'd like to know what it is. Anyway, my new favorite tv show (Bizarre Foods on the Travel Channel) told me. It's in Spain and it's called Botín. Their specialty is 'suckling pig' also known as 'cute baby pig ripped from the teet of mama pig and thrown in an oven' but 'suckling' was more appetizing apparently.

Here's some info on that place thrown thru a web translator that translates Botín to Booty! LOL!.. sorta... 

9/2

Took the TV day off yesterday but will be back with some factoidzoid later today! And it's gonna be awesome!!!

If you're bored here's some chick who makes lovey dove music videos out of Caroline in the City clips...

9/1

Today the TV news guy told me that Russia is planning to build a moon-base. (They're also flagging the bottom of the ocean somewhere staking claims! They're asking for it!) When a reporter why they want to build a moon-base the Russians responded, 'What do you mean why?! Don't you think it would be totally f--king awesome? The answer is Yes! We can bang chicks weightless the whole deal! And we got some hot chicks too who would be totally up for it! We already got a sign up sheet with four names! Next question!'

Here's Project Moonbase (you might wanna umm...  fast forward a couple minutes...)

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