SEPTEMBER 2003

9/30

Tonite I learnt about the Avrocar. Back in the day this dude John Frost thought it was a good idea for the Air Force to build a flying saucer type aircraft (aka avrocar) because it could take off vertically and it could be a new way to fly. It turned out that it wasn't a good idea because it couldn't really take of vertically and couldn't really fly. But they did discover if they put a skirt on it- it could be a hovercraft. Must have been a bad moment for Frost when he realized that the only way his new super air force flying machine was worth a dang was if they put a friggin skirt on it and let it hover around like a foot off the ground.. 

Here it be in all its non-glory.

9/29

I found out tonite that there is something called a 'sex surrogate'. Basically there are some people out there that like step in when one person in a couple is having sexual problems or issues or whatever. And they show them how to like touch and be present and stuff like that. They said on the show that 90% of the touching is non-sexual. But if the surrogate feels they need to 'go there' to enlighten the person in terms of how to let go or get your swerve on or whatever... they'll go all the way...!

Here goes one. Not sure what's up with the eyes situation.

9/28

Sorry no fact today. I went to the Jets game with my brother this afternoon and got home all late and stuff. But I'll tell ya something I learnt at the game. There's WAY too much sponsorship and advertising thrown in your face at Giants Stadium. Every two seconds the announcer is like, 'Ladies and Gentlemen please turn your attention toward the monitor for the PC Richards Trivia Game or the friggin FedEx Day in Jets History or the Dickhead Insurance Moment of Whatever the F**k!. It was non-stop! Like tickets aren't expensive enough! Greedy bastages! 

Here's a board where Jets fans can go and talk about what's wrong...

9/27

Today on public access tv I saw a local wrestling federation show. Like a superduper low rent WWF. It was kind of scary because it looked like it was all going down in some dirty high school gym and it seemed out of control and unrehearsed. Dudes in makeup all smeared looked scary and everyone was like running around wild. Hitting hitting hitting. Even the referee was wearing a mask and getting in on the hitting. I couldn't figure out what the hell was going on. There was like no beginning or end or illusion of order. 

Here's the site for the www.wtfworld.com. It's worth a click thru and check out the profiles down on the left..  

(I took down the live link because it's popup central apparently. So proceed at your own risk. I don't see the popups anymore because of the google toolbar here. It does a great job of stopping em. Proceed with the toolbar too..) 

9/26

Tonite I ordered up a On Demand pay per view movie on the digital cable. Wes Craven Presents: They. Not sure why. I guess I always have glimmers of hopes for horror movies that flop. Anyway around halfway thru it, I paused the movie for like 10 minutes  to go do whatever. And when I got back to it, it was frozen in pause. Couldn't get it out of pause. So I called Time Warner Cable and got transferred to like friggin FOUR different people with 10+ minute hold times in between to finally get to some supertech person who told me that I (me!) broke it. She said quote, 'You can't go pausing those movies for more than 10 minutes or they'll lock up on ya for keeps...' Like it was something I should have known. But now you know. Thars the fact.

Wes Craven Presents: A Scarily Bad Looking Website.

9/25

Today I found out that the "Man" is working on new ways to control and disperse crowds. So the Pentagon is hard at work on the world's worst stink bomb. They've been doing extensive testing on a universal stink. See some stinks that stink here might not stink as much as some stink stinks for other cultures. Like vomit stink might smell like fine cheese stink or something somewhere. The Pentagon settled on human waste combined with rotting meat combined with garbage. Universally people say uch! to that. Next step is to research the best way to drop it as a stink bomb. Coming soon to a rally near you.

Here be a scratch and sniff website.

9/24

Sorry I didn't get a fact for y'all today. I just watched tv for a solid hour and a half and came back empty handed. TV facts are like fishing. Tonite I cast my rod all the way out to channel 87 to the Iceland Jazz Festival. Let it sit for a while. Nothing. Reeled it in. Then over to the Nat'l Geographic channel. Something about red tides. I couldn't follow it. Reel it in. Cast way off to the korean channel. Nope. Nada. Then I started getting impatient. So here I am at 2:12AM now. And I realize I forgot the top two rules about fishing. #1 You gotta start early. #2 You gotta have patience... But no worries I know I'll catch a big one tomorrow....that's rule #3. :-)

2:54 now and I just had to shut this off. Use arrow keys. Eat smaller fish.

9/23

I seen today that they're developing couches that will identify you by your weight and like greet you by saying hello and calling you by name and it then it will set the room tempertature the way you like it. And you could say 'Order pizza!' and it will like dial out and order your usual. The only snag is that you may have to keep updating the computer to be able to identify you... due to the weight gain.... which comes 100% guaranteed with every purchase.

Here's a dumb lazy quiz that will prove you're not lazy if you can just get thru it.

9/22

I seen on the tv today that it's becoming popular for women to exercise and stay in shape by doing pole dancing like strippers. It's like the new thing and apparently is a really healthy workout. I guess it would be kinda cool if your chick did some pole dancing exercises or whatever while you sit on the couch and eat fritos. But as little as I know about chicks.. I'm pretty sure a stripper pole makes a bad anniversary gift.

But if you really want one here they be.

9/21

Sorry no fact today. Twas my birthday and I dint wanna haveta do nothing.

You born on a cusp? Me born on cusp.

9/20

Tonite I saw the second half of the Miss America Pageant which was one of the more painful tv experiences of recent memory. The fact I learnt was that the 2nd runner up was Miss Wisconsin. Her name is Tina Sauerhammer. Not sure why this is an interesting fact. Is it? I guess not. I just thought 'Sauerhammer' was a funny name (like sauerkraut but except with hammer instead of kraut) so the name stuck with me... more than whoever actually won Miss America... whose name escapes me already...

Here's some info on MY Miss America. Tina Sauerhammer! Sauer-hammer Time!

9/19

I saw this thing about the thing about Scottish kilts and how each tartan pattern or whatever represents whatever family clan you're from. Like here's some dude from the MacKenzie family looking like he's gonna smush a bug or something. And here's some dude from the MacFarlane clan who like stepped out to smoke a spliff on the sly.. And here's a rep from the MacInbred clan...

Here be all the MacTartans

9/18

The TV today showed me about a new sport that's like real popular with them nutty New Zealanders. It's Extreme Ironing. Um.. yeah.  You like go somewhere weird or dangerous and like ...iron. Or iron someway that's weird or dangerous. Try explaining the purpose of this sport to the aliens when they finally land and start asking questions before deciding we're food.

Dudes got carried away with this whole thing it seems.

9/17

I seen on the tv that some people think it's a good idea to adopt baby baboons and keep them in their house as a pet. Then they get surprised down the road when the baboon grows up and starts wrecking stuff and acting all wild. So they build a cage and lock it up in their basement for years and the baboon and person are miserable together. I don't know. Maybe it's time to put a ban on having a wild animal as a pet. I mean unless you're friggin Siegfried and/or Roy... does it ever work out?

So if ya got a primate living in your basement -contact this place. And stop being a schmuck.

9/16

So this nerd on tv told me about how alot of 'phenomenon' can be explained away by Tectonic Strain Theory (TST). He said that what happens is the earth shifts and that creates an energy discharge and that discharge rises up into the air in a mist that looks like a ghost. And then this lady goes 'Ahhh!!! A ghost!' And gets all scared. So the nerd laughs and tells her it's not a ghost. It's TST! And then makes fun of the lady for being scared. He's having a good time at her expense. But he's interrupted by an odd airy chill around his neck. And the chill becomes cold. And the cold becomes slight pressure. And the pressure begins to take shape. And the shape feels like fingers. Clammy and wet. As the tips of ragged fingernails press into his skin... he hears, 'TST my ass...' Then the grip becomes a vise.

Scroll down here for some strikingly lame supernatural photos...

9/15

I watched a show bout dating. The lady on tv said that if you're getting ready for a first date and you really have a hard time deciding what to wear and what image that you want to present -that the problem may be that you don't know what type of person you're looking for. She also said that it's a good idea on a dinner date to either wear multiple layers of clothes or bring at least two other outfits so you can change clothes (your look) over the course of the meal. (you may not want to believe what I just wrote.)

Here's what this dude has to say to guys about first date conversation..

9/14

Sorry no friggin fact today. Nothing good on the tv at all. Watched a whole show about badgers but they didn't really do anything out of control weird or nothing. Also saw some bird kill a snake. But I forgot the name of the bird. Jets lost. It was a spacey day.

Here's a mildly irritating pingpong game.

9/13

I seen on the tv today this new vehicle called an Ecomobile. It's like a motorcycle but like in a bubble of kevlar so if you wipe out you don't scrape all your skin off or crack your head open. Plus you can ride in the rain and all that. They seem pretty cool... unless your a Hell's Angel or whatever. If you pull up to some biker bar in an Ecomobile, you might as well put on a helmet before going into the place..

You don't go showing up to Topsiders in one of these..

9/12

Today on the National Geographic Channel I found out how some species of cockroach mate. The dude cockroach like excretes this like sugary sweet stuff all over his back. Gross. And then the female cockroach is like... mmm... sugar sweet stuff! On your back! For me? And starts eating it. Gross. While she's like distracted with the eating- the dude cockroach pulls the old bait and switch and bidda bang bidda boom. He like links up and starts mating. Gross. Which annoys the female cause she like drags the dude around once she realizes what's up with the situation...Gross as well...

Count Cocky Cockroach, Marie Osmond Porcelain? 

9/11

Today I seen on the tv that they're still deciding what kind of memorial they're gonna build at the WTC site along with the new buildings. 5,000 people submitted design proposals and a jury of thirteen will make the call as to which memorial gets the green light. I can't even imagine what would be appropriate. As for the buildings, at first I wanted the towers rebuilt immediately. Like finished by the end of October. Then I wanted the tallest building in the world or maybe two. 500 stories each. Now I'm thinking... just a big ol' coolio park.

Here's a bunch of new WTC design proposals that didn't make the cut ..... here    here    here    here    here    and    here..

9/10

I learnt today that for all y'all that are kooky with your car and like flip if someone scratches it or whatever. That there now be the Car Capsule. Basically it's like boy in the plastic bubble except with car instead of boy. It protects your car from stuff falling over on it and like paint stripping dust and like... I don't know... out of control low flying kamikaze birds or something? It looked pretty frickin weirdo and I think it will likely encourage people to try and damage your car.

Like this dude going at it with a sledge. 

9/9

I seen on the Jimmy Kimmel show tonite that there is this new wine on the market with a picture of Hitler on the label. It's like Fuhrer wine or something. I saw that the dickheaded wino that's producing the Hitler wine is named Alessandro Lunardelli. So I bought the URL alessandrolunardelli.com (it was available! hahahah!) And i'm gonna put up something stupid there! Like a picture of someone's butt! I'll let you know when it's up...

Here's the wine from Alessandro... 

9/8

Tonite the tv told me what the hot tv show in Africa is. It's Big Brother: Africa. 30 million people tune in each week to check it out. Take dudes and chicks from different countries in Africa and put em all in a house and let em go at it or whatever. Basically same dealio as over here. I wish they'd start showing some foreign reality shows on american tv because american reality shows are so friggin (insert word here that describes vomit) now.

Here go the housemates from this season of BBA... 

9/7

Today I found out what the longest creature on earth is. It's not the blue whale. There's something bigger swimming around in the ocean. Much bigger. It's called 'The Praya' and it can grow to be like 150 feet long.  By comparison the blue whale is only like 80-100 feet. The Praya is a weird lurky see-thru jelly type snake thing. Ew. Scared to go in the water now? No worries. They swim round like 3000 feet down. And even if it didn't you could easily rip it in two like no problem lickity split done and done...

Here go one.

9/6

This guy on tv said that he believes that dieting makes you fatter. He said that if you look at the numbers the more diet crazy america gets the fatter people get. I kinda believe that cause I tried to go on the Atkins diet one day and I ordered bacon and eggs with NO home fries. But they brought the home fries anyway. And I ate them all. And that was that for the Atkins diet...

McDonalds vs' Burger King. The debate continues...

9/5

I done seen something bout border collies today. You might wonder how a dog controls the sheep. Well it's not so much in the threat to bite the sheep. It's more in what the farmer guy said is 'Eye'. When a border collie has good 'Eye' then it can sort of hypnotize a sheepy sheep into acting sheepish by staring at it right. Eye is a sensitive thing though. Too much eye might spook the sheep- not enough eye will make the sheep ignore the dog or whatever..

Here's a thing about how to give a girl the eye and not to mess up when you're in a bar or whatever..

9/4

I founds out today that girls are stronger and less vulnerable in the womb than boys. The guy on tv also said that boy fetuses are like girls until the testosterone kicks in. And he said that on average, newborn girls are smarter and more alert than newborn boys. He said newborn boys are more "vague" (aka stupider). He also said that boys have dingalings and girls have woo woos.

How much do you know bout the opposite sex quiz type thing here.

9/3

Today I found out some stuff about Young Saddam Hussein. Back in the day when he was just a tyrant-in-waiting, he tried to make a grab at some power by assassinating this General dude. So he got his gang together and they surrounded the General's car and started spraying bullets. But it got all screwed up because they stood in a circle around the car and they shot each other instead of the General. Like dopes. It worked out ok in a way tho because knowing Saddam.. eventually he would have wanted the guys in the gang shot anyway for letting him be so dumb along with them- so this just saved him the trouble of that. 

Here's a thing where you can mess with Saddam's face.

9/2

I founds out today that if you're out to dinner with friends in Hong Kong and the check comes you shouldn't split the check on credit cards or whatever. That is apparently offensive and will tick off the chef or the restaurant owner or something. The guy on the tv said it's such a problem in some restaurants that they might throw you out. But that didn't sound like a problem to me... that sounded like a plan.

It seems easier than just picking up the check too. Scroll down here...

9/1

I watched a show about US coins tonite. Back in the day coin designers used to be able to put their initials on their work. The dude who designed the penny Victor D. Brenner put V-D-B on the back of the 1909 penny. He was psyched. Then the president or something didn't like the initials were being put on money so they cancelled production and had the initials removed. Then Victor was bummed. Then Victor went mental. Then Victor shaved 'V-D-B' into his cat's fur. Then Victor got 'V-D-B' tattooed all big on his chest and back. Then Victor would answer every question by saying 'V-D-B?'  Then he painted 'V-D-B' in huge letters on the Lincoln Memorial and danced naked around it while holding his cat yelling 'V-D-B! V-D-B! VEEE-DEEE-BEEEE!' 

Here go the some of the rarest of the VDB coinage

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