Saturday's STRANGE?

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Just last Saturday, I went to the lake with my dad. Little did I know it
would be a day that would forever change my life...

We were floating around the lake, ignoring everyone else when suddnely there
was a scream of terror. It turned out to just be swamp gas or a weather
balloon or something, but it was still startling.

Then, she went under. Everyone thought she was just fooling around...that
is, until her blood floated to the surface. People began screaming and
hollering and yelling and other synonyms of the like and running to the
shore. Just then, the skies opened up and I heard a great thundering roar
from the far side of the lake. There it swam: the great beast. Vengeance was
in its eyes that glowed red with the white-hot hatred for all Mankind and
several breeds of turkeys. Bubbles of sulfuric gas bubbled to the surface,
raising the unholy smell of 1,000 fat guy butts and a taco.

"Run to the shore!!! TO THE SHORE!!!!!!!!!!!" my dad screamed in the
high-pitched tone of absolute FEAR. Everyone was splashing toward dry land,
but that demon seed of a fish was still speeding towards us. Its dorsal fin
alone must have reached five feet high, its tail swooping up the very clouds
themselves bring the storm to end all storms in want of killing us all. Fear
lept up into my bosom as I began to struggle through the now crashing waves
to safety. The wind had picked up and was blowing strong enough to lift a
nearby Ford sedan off the very Earth and toss it into orbit. But the water,
waves lifting twenty-five feet or more now, held those of us left tight to
it, hoping to suck us down to the watery hell from whence the dread
leviathan-like sprite of doom was wrought into existence from the damned
souls of a million dead sailors.

It fins were the size of a large cafeteria table and its claws were at least
twelve feet long. Its length had to have been more than that of your average
looping rollercoaster train. Fire and pure, liquid hate billowed from its
horrible mouth, its teeth stained permanently red from a hundred years on
feeding on those fool enough to be caught within its deathful grasp. I had
just made it to the shoreline when I spotted something floating off in the

"BABYYYYYYYYY!!!!!" I shouted, pointing at the hapless little fellow,
splashing around without a care in the world, no doubt wondering why the
wa-wa had gotten so high. But it was too late. The baby went under without
even a chance to call out as the bubbles of its final breath surfaced and
abrubtly ended. "NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!" I cried dramatically, dropping to my

I took off, nothing but "death to the devil fish" rang in my mind. The beast
reared up and then suddenly suffered a fatal heart attack and died. But the
terror wasn't over yet. A small mouthed bass lept and bit me. "Ow," I went.

"OH NO! IT'S GOT THE TASTE OF BLOOD NOW!!" someone shouted. Before I
realized it, a whole swarm of the things had surrounded me. They jumped upon
me and began to eat down to the very bone. I barely made it out with my
elbows. I was able to flop onto the shore, kicking my leg-stumps as hard as
I possibly could. But the killer instinct of the fish new no bounds. They
hopped onto the shore and began devouring the weak and old, one by one. Then
a pack of rabid coyotes came and started eating the rest. With all the
strength still in my limp body, I lept up and tackled one of the dreaded
four-leggers and bit its heart from its very dog-like rib cage. I spat the
heart into the lake for the fish, and the taste for kiotes was upon them.

They suddenly turned from men to the beasts, thanks to my wise plan. War
raged for hours between the bass and coyotes until no one but I was left
still breathing.

I don't no when the helicopter arrived. I was almost dead by then. But I
remembered being on an operating table in front of a bunch of scientists.
They did their thang and rebuilt me, Steve Austin/Darth Vader-style, baby! I
am now the $654 billion fish killer.

Now I am sworn protector of Man and jelly alike. Don't look for this all in
the news because it's top-secret gov't stuff.


(*Note: some parts may have been exagerated a bit for dramatic effect.)


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