May 23 2010
So the other day I was at the Farmer’s Market buying up stuff. And one of the things I picked up was a big bunch of carrots. A dozen or so carrots with the green fro tops and everything! The carrots had caked dirt on them too! Farmer style! Full blast nature!
I was psyched for these super fresh carrots. I’m sort of burnt out on the bags of mini-carrots. They don’t taste right anymore. They sorta seem coated with slime and there’s a tang of bleach on em or something. They used to be ok but recently they’ve gone wrong. Plus, I always resent the sneaky orange stripes on the plastic bag they come in. The sneaky stripes make it look like the carrots are more orange than they are. Bullshit shenangigans! Next time you pick up a bag of a carrots look at the sneaky fake stripes! Sneaky fake stripes!!! You can’t fool me you carrot f-ckface a-holes motherf-ckers!!!! I see your orange shenangignangs!
Anyway, I was all pumped up for my new fresh dirt covered carrots. I proudly walked them home. I hoped I’d bump into someone on the street so I can show them off! I’d be like, ‘Look at these orange bitches, bitch!’ By the way, I never peel carrots either. I go straight in. I’ll wash em but I like the dirty taste of unpeeled carrots. And was looking forward to the extra earthy grit taste of these carrots..
As soon as I got home I put everything away in the fridge and then plucked three carrots from my new bunch and washed them off. Then I sat down on the couch to munch and watch TV… and I took one bite into a carrot and was totally bummed out. It wasn’t right. There was no snap to it. I bit through a level of softness before I even got to the crunch. And the crunch was disappointing. It was too soft. Plus, the flavor wasn’t there. I started to wonder if these were like soup carrots or something. They were gross. I tried another. Two bites in they were totally fired. They sucked.
I walked to the kitchen and threw the three carrots in the garbage. Then I opened the fridge door and stared at the rest of the batch. They looked so nice and colorful in the fridge. Made my fridge look all Alice Watersy healthy. I thought about how if anybody came over and opened my fridge they would be impressed by my super fresh carrots! But then I snapped out it and realized nobody is coming any time soon to judge me by my fridge.
I offered one to Roscoe and he wasn’t interested. I tried to think of different things I could do with these carrots. Carrot cake? Frozen carrot popsicles? Dice them with my Slap Chop for my tuna? All plans kept getting canceled for the same reason. The carrots sucked.
Finally, I made a decision. The beautiful carrots were all going in the friggin garbage. Point blank freshness.
I used to be the type of person that had to keep ‘edible’ stuff in the fridge based on principle. Even if I knew it was never getting eaten. Like throwing out ‘good’ food was some kind of sin. Things had to be kept until they were past inedible and then finally thrown away. Based on nuclear war paranoia or god frowning or something. But not for me anymore! If I know I’m never gonna eat something and know there’s nothing else to do with the food— I have no issue throwing it in the garbage instead of just leaving it in the fridge and letting it go bad. I’m over that…
Especially when the food in the fridge would be a bad tease– like these delicious looking carrots that tasted like they’d already gone bad.
PS. And yes, I thought of giving them to a homeless guy but would you go up to a homeless guy and offer em a bunch of dirty gross carrots?
Get to the catch area and then head off towards the end zone to try and score a touch down!
You are a battle marine from the future that has been sent back in time to change the future.