August 13 2010
So when I was a little kid I had some speech problems. There were certain words I would mush up or fumble over or whatever. I didn’t realize that I had a problem– but back in 3rd grade apparently somebody noticed.
Here’s the story:
One day, I was sitting in class spacing out or doodling or whatever when there was knock at the door. Two stranger adults were standing there. A man and a woman. They whispered to the teacher and then the teacher said, ‘Todd. These people would like to talk to you.’ I remember my first thought being, ‘Oh no! I have lice again!’
I go out in the hallway and these two strangers start talking to me. The woman had a real soft soothing voice. The man was kind of aggressive. I had no idea why they wanted to talk to me. The woman would mysteriously write in a clipboard as we spoke…
The conversation went like this:
Woman: Hello Todd. Umm… Tell us what you did this summer.
Me: I went to camp. I played with my friends.
Woman: Played with your… what?
Me: My… friends?
Man: What kind of food to you like?
Me: Umm… I like hot dogs!
Man: Hot… what?
Me: Hot dogs. Hot dogs are good!
Man: Say that again.
Me: Hot dogs.
Man: Hot dogs are…
Me: … good.
Woman: Say it all together.
Me: It all together.
Man: No say, Hot dogs are good. All together.
Me: Hot dogs are good. All together.
Woman: Once more.
Me: Hot dogs are good. All together.
(Now I’m freaking out thinking there’s something wrong with hot dogs being good all together and I’m admitting it on the spot! And she’s writing it down!)
Woman: Tell us… what else is good.
Me: Umm… Lemonade?
Man: Say lemonade again.
Woman: Do you think lemonade is.. delicious?
Man: Say it.
Me: Lemonade is delicious.
(Now feeling like I might cry…)
Woman: And what’s 10+2?
Stranger Woman: And… What’s 9+3?
Me: Eleven? No twelve!
It was like an insanely random conversation. Especially one to be have been yanked out of class for with two absolute stranger adults. My answers seemed important too. And then I was sent back to class with zero explanation as to the purpose of the conversation. I remember sitting in class and replaying the conversation in my head wondering what I was in trouble for and what I admitted to– and wishing I had just had lice again.
Anyway, apparently I flunked their speech test and was assigned to go to ‘Speech Class’ from like 11-12AM every day. I remember going there and nothing was going on in that class. For the most part the class was made up of kids who I’d never seen before and didn’t seem to be in any ‘grade’ at all. If you catch my meaning. We sat around playing Chutes and Ladders and Candyland while the ‘teachers’ did nothing.
Once in a while, we’d all pile into a van and go to McDonalds which was ammmaazzzingg. I’d get back to regular class and be like, ‘I just went to McDonalds!’ All the kids would be like, “No way!” I’d be like, ‘Speech class is the best!’
Of course, when I told my parents ‘Speech’ was all about Chutes and Ladders and going to McDonalds they were thinking they might need to step in. They sent me to some private speech tutor or whatever to fix stuff. The tutor didn’t think I had a real problem or whatever..
Anyway, as an adult I still have some speech issues. There are certain words like ‘peculiar’ that I need to skip in my head because I know I’ll get tangled on em if I try it out loud. Probably a half-dozen words that I’ll never say… unless I’m referencing how I can’t say em. And that was that with that.
Get to the catch area and then head off towards the end zone to try and score a touch down!
You are a battle marine from the future that has been sent back in time to change the future.