So the other day I rented a car from Avis and when they pulled up with the car a voice in my head said, ‘Hey! Make sure you walk around the car and look at it– in case something is dented or scratched or something. You don’t want to get blamed for it.’ Then another voice in my head chimed in, ‘Meh. Just get in. Don’t worry about it. If the car is messed up– you can just deal with it later…’

This is the same voice that tries to talk me out of charging my phone before I go to sleep (Meh. You can just charge it in the morning when you get up.) The same voice that has cost me dozens of ‘great’ ideas (You don’t need to write it down! No way you’re forgetting and idea like that!) The same voice that tells me I don’t have to put the ATM card back in my wallet after I use it. (Meh. Just put it in your back pocket. You can put it back in your wallet later…) Sometimes it’s days before the ATM card finally makes it back into my wallet.

I don’t know what this voice is but it always seems to chime in when I want to do something practical or responsible on a very small level. It’s not really a straight procrastination thing. (Or it is procrastination at pro-level or something?) In any case it is some dumb dumb voice in my head that tricks me out of doing things that will make my life easier. (Oh you’re going out? You need to buy coffee AND aspirin AND stamps? Just write CAS on your hand and you’ll know what that means later!) Why would I think I’d know CAS would mean three hours later? Why not just write the full words on a post-it note? Is it that much more effort?

The thing that’s amazing about this voice is that it convinces me of things that I know are dead wrong. I’ve lived with myself for decades and I’ve never been particularly responsible or organized– but this voice has a way of convincing me otherwise– by using ridiculous logic. It makes me believe I am someone that I’m not. Nor have ever been. Nor will ever be. Nor strive to be.

Lately, I’ve been able to flag this voice sometimes and identify it more and more– like with my ATM card in the pocket thing. I’ll be sticking it in my back pocket all absent mindedly and then I’ll be like, ‘Aha! Caught you! Trying to screw me up!’ But even then the voice will be like, ‘Look at you! All organized and responsible! Good for you!’ Which will feed the illusion that I am responsible– which will backfire for later trickeries.

It’s an ongoing project I’ve been working on to silence this voice. I’ve been hitting override switches in my head so I do things like charge my phone at night or prioritize things properly. But I feel like it’s a mental shapeshifter– while it may abandon the ATM backpocket argument. I suspect it moves into other worlds of disorganization– worlds that I may not even be aware of yet…

ok bye!
tOdd

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