May 04 2010
I’m back in town! The trip went aok I think but who knows we’ll see fingers crossed. I talked to some people and they talked to me. I’ll tell stories later but the freshest one is the one fresh in my head so I’ll tell you that one. All about my trip back…
As per usual, I was racing to get to Long Beach Airport all late to catch my flight. I rely 1000% on GPS to get me to the airport so I have no choice but to do exactly what it says– even when I know it’s messing with me. This time around it sent me off a random exit and I ended up detouring in my Chevy dorkmobile straight through the Long Beach hood (pants on the ground hats turned sideways). I was like, ‘Thanks GPS. Thanks for this here sidetrack. Especially when I’m short on time..’ But I cranked 80′s on 8 on Sirius radio and made the best of it. Luft Balloons blasting and throwing up made up gang signs…
At this point, I was so distracted by my lateness that I forgot to get gas for the rental car. I was practically at the airport when my flashing E empty tank light-on was like, ‘Hello!!! Stupid! Hello?’ and was like, ‘Fruck! If I fill up at the rental place it’ll cost my more than my friggin plane ticket!’ So I literally floor it to the nearest gas station.
I get to the station and fillerup (which was like $45! FU oil fks!) and floor it back to the airport and drop off the car. I was in the safe zone. 45 minutes til takeoff. But right before I head through security I get the bright idea to buy a big bottle of water which I stuff in my bag— which is of course confiscated 10 minutes later by security. So I get retro-pissed at the newsstand lady for not giving me a quick heads up that I can’t bring it through! It must happen all the time! Did she think I was gonna chug it?
Finally, I get to my seat and I’m psyched because I have an exit row window seat! But that psychedness evaporated fast because I always seem to forget that having an exit row window seat means you get the triple bonus of No Second Armrest! Freezing Fresh Cold Air from Outside! And No Reclining Seat! So I got triple back-pissed at myself for not re-remembering why I don’t like exit row window seats!
Then my row mate comes by and sits down. He throws a book between us on the middle seat. I see on the cover it was a zombie book– but set in the future. It was called ‘Eclipse’ or something. A zombie fan! Coolio! I let him know that I too dabbled heavily in the zombral arts. But what I soon found out was that I was way outmatched. There are zombie fans. And then there’s zombie connoisseurs. He was stunned to learn I’d never read ‘World War Z’. He shot me a look of zombral disgust. Like I just said my favorite zombie movie was 1985′s Return of the Living Dead. I battled back with my current zombie comicbook series ‘The Walking Dead’. I’ve read all 11 or 12 of em (awesome). But I was soon swamped by the deep zombie literary knowledge he possessed. I promised I’d read ‘Z’ (and I will) but I was exhausted and just wanted to sleep.
I put my head on the freezing exit door, searched for my non-existent seat back button, then drifted asleep vaguely dreading the fact that I’ve had to make a big doody for the past five hours– and I was nervous I would have to do the dreaded deuce on the plane and have to Purell my butt cheeks. Fortunately, it didn’t come to that. I made it through the wilderness. Somehow I made it through.
I get off the plane and stagger through the airport literally kicking and wrestling with my wheeled suitcase which refused to keep both wheels on the ground and it’s flipping over on the skid side and making me insane. It practically broke my wrist on an escalator mishandling.
I get outside and the taxi stand guy wants to throw me in the next cab available but I let him know that I need to confirm that the driver will pick up a dog. (I wanted to stop and get Roscoe on the way). Driver after driver said ‘No dogs!’ And the taxi stand guy is like, ‘He needs to be in a box! You can’t take a dog in a cab unless it’s in a box!’ I’m thinking, ‘First off it’s a kennel! Not a box… ‘ Second, some cabs do take wild loose dogs and this is what I’m confirming! Finally, a guy says yes and off we go.
We get to Red Hook to pick up Roscoe and pull up to the doggie day care place. I get out of the taxi to run inside and the taxi guy gets out too. I’m like, ‘Why’s the taxi guy getting out?’ He walks over to the nearest wall and shamelessly pees on it in broad daylight. I was like, ‘Great… Welcome back to New York.’
Roscoe goes berserk when he sees me and he’s whipping around and spinning in a circle like a 5-year old on three packs of FunDip. And then he has a sneezing fit. Which gives everyone pause. And then he goes back to spinning and licking. Twas nice getting the BIG hello.
We jump in taxi and the taxi driver kept saying, ‘Big dog! Bigger than I thought! You tell me it was small dog!’ I’m like, ‘I never said that! (Too late now so shut up and get me home). He’s like, ‘I thought dog was small! Well it ain’t. And shut your whining pee pee man cause the metered tip in my head is starting to run backwards.
We get inside and it’s good to be home. There were lots of things I could do once I got in the door. Unpack. Go through the mail. Email. Nap. Whatever. But for whatever reason I was overwhelmed with the immediate need to put my giant air conditioner in the window. I had to! 5 minutes in the door! It’s not even hot out today but I had this weird logic that I should exploit my exhaustedness and do something insanely difficult because I’m half-asleep and I won’t notice? Or something?
I noticed. Try putting a 1000lb air conditioner in a window by yourself. In a heavy window that can’t even stay open on its own. I put this AC in the window using my head to hold the window up. If things went wrong I probably would have fallen out of the window with that thing and ended up on the cover of the Post. ‘Dumb Dork Falls Out Window’ or something.
But I did it. Done and done! Then I poured out the weird red radio spiders that were having a pool party in Roscoe’s bowl and gave him some water and breakfast. Then I crashed on the couch for like 4 hours.
And now I just woke up and wrote this!