The Restaurant Party Check

So anyway, the other night I went to a party for someone at a restaurant. Dozen+ people or whatever. And I've noticed a familiar pattern with the people at the table.

The check is always a hassle and the same people are always there.

Here's the breakdown of people as I see it:

The Boozer:

The boozer is the guy or girl who orders mixed drinks and keeps them coming pretty much all night. The boozer blindly runs up the check for everybody. Like at a recent party there was wine and sangria served but the boozer was all about 'ketel one martinis' and 'vodka sodas'. I feel more than one mixed drink at a table of people not ordering mixed drinks is kinda rude. There's probably other people at the table who would love to be sucking down vodka as well-- but are drinking sangria with everyone for the sake of the check. The Boozer also may annoyingly push tequila shots on people. Nobody ever wants a shot. Shut up.

The Fancy Appetizer Guy:

Fancy appetizer guy is the guy who proudly orders himself up a shrimp cocktail or something fancy while everyone is ordering salads or nothing at all. Often the Fancy Appetizer guy is unaware that nobody is ordering appetizers or that appetizers are being ordered for the entire table. Sometimes Fancy Appetizer guy looks embarrassed when he sees he's the only one who ordered a fancy appetizer. Sometimes not tho. Sometimes Fancy Appetizer guy is just some dick taking advantage of a big-check situation. And no, nobody wants one of your 4 shrimp. Don't ask.

The Salad-Only Girl:

Salad-Only girl is some chick who has decided that she wants throw off the rhythm of the table by ordering "just a salad". Perhaps so she can be the person at the end of the night who can declare, 'I just had a salad!' A pre-emptive defensive move for the check or something? I've noticed that Salad-Only girl is usually very annoying to all the other women at the table.

The Leaver-Earlies:

The Leaver-Earlies usually bail out right around or after appetizers. These people usually throw down $20 or $40 and claims they have somewhere to be. Often the Leaver-Earlies are new parents or self-declared work-aholics or dicks. Or all three. The Leaver-Earlies usually end up putting down less than what they owe by $20 or $40. Often Leaver-Earlies feel they are smarter than everyone by leaving early.

The Blackberry Jerk:

Put your blackberry away, jerk.

Asshole Guy:

Uch! What's with that dude? Is he an asshole or something?

The Late Entree Loser:

Usually all the entrees come out at once-- except for one. The Late Entree Loser. Often this person's order has been totally missed and the waiter rushes to get the order in apologizing up and down to the Entree Comes Late Loser. He or she sometimes tries to force everyone to start eating and not wait for him. And everyone at the table is like, 'Uch! What a late entree loser!'

The Adamant Start-Eating Refuser:

This person absolutely refuses to start eating until all entrees are brought out. I guess this could be seen as a noble effort at good manners-- but I think it's just silly. Just eat. It's a big table. Who cares. Plus, that guy with no dinner in front of him is obviously a loser who can't even order without it getting all screwed up. Screw him.

Chocolate Panter Chick:

This chick pants over any chocolate dessert on the menu. As long as the word chocolate is in the description it's immediately delicious. She'll say, 'MMmm that sounds so delicious!'

The Anyone Else Want A Coffee? Guy:

This overly sensitive person seems to need confirmation from the whole table to order a cup of coffee. He'll ask, Is anyone else having coffee? It's like, just order your stupid coffee! Nobody cares if you order a coffee or not at this point because the check is already out of control.

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Then the check arrives and it's ominously placed on the table.

Usually it's way high-- and these people appear:

The Hey! I Don't Know How to Add Anything So Don't Look at Me! Guy:

This guy immediately relieves his responsibility to handle the check by proudly declaring he does no know how to add. This guy is usually myself.

The Controller Chicks:

More often than not the check math responsibility ends up with a couple girls who work as a team. I'm not sure if this is the best idea because everyone knows that girls are terrible at math.

The Where's the Nearest ATM? Dude:

At this point some dude or chick will realize they have no money and ask where the nearest ATM is. These people are annoying as they're going to a dinner party and they should just bring cash! No, not all 14 of us are handing over credit cards to split the tab.

The I Only Have $47 Dollar On Me Guy:

This guy only has $47 and he asks the table if that is enough for him-- which it is usually most certainly not as this person is often also Fancy Appetizer guy.

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Then the Controller Chicks finally announce how much everyone owes and everyone feels they are putting in way more than expected. Let's say everybody all of a sudden everyone owes $85 or something.

Then the Controller Chicks add up they cash and announce the table is short. This is because of the Boozer and the Leaver-Earlies. Then these people appear:

The Contribution Declaration Person:

This person makes a show of letting everyone know that they've already put in $90 so everyone knows that they're not the person who maybe only put in $80 or even $60. This person will repeat their contribution amount many times.

Extra Five Guy:

This guy makes a grand gesture of throwing in an extra five to start the ball rolling on extra money. However, extra five guy doesn't realize that extra five guy isn't really solving any problems with his extra five.

Check Re-Adder Guy:

Check Re-adder Guy is usually some pissed off dude at the table who can't believe the check is hundreds and hundreds of dollars and he needs to add the check for himself. Check Re-Adder guy is wasting his time because on big checks you're never gonna know if its right. This person usually gets snapped at by the Controller Chicks who are insulted by the idea that they can't add up the check properly. This stems from girls being overly sensitive of their math skills.

Where Are We Going Next? Guy:

This person is the person who wants to keep going after the dinner ends and accuses people of being 'old' if they want to just go home. This person is usually The Boozer and everyone is sick of his crap and certainly don't want to sit at a bar where he out drinks you 3 for 1 and then can't understand how the bar tab got so high. At this point, he's usually realizes lost his cellphone.

Anyway that's that.

Here's my suggestion for people who go to dinner parties.

My take is I don't think people should leave early. You're in or your out. I don't think anyone should order the most expensive things on the menu. And people should be prepared to pay more than they owe. If people can't stand the idea of this then they shouldn't go to dinner parties. Because everyone gets screwed by the check at the end of the night. Usually thanks to The Boozer.

Uch! Another long post. Sorry if I've been overwriting stupid stuff since I started this blog thing.

ok bye!
tOdd