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The Old F--kin' Answering Machine Story

When I was like I dunno 14-15 years old or something I was hanging out with a friend of mine and we were screwing around with my family answer machine recording stupid outgoing answering machine messages and playing them back.

I remember we did one as pirates being like all, 'Yarrr this and yarrr that. You called our pirate ship yarr....' Beeep... Or one that was like all trippy hippy stoner. Whatever. Stupid.

Anyway, we did one that was like angry at the person for calling. All like, 'Hey motherf--ker! F you for calling mother f'er because we hate you go F yourself asshole... and everything was all F you and F this and you're a mother F'er for calling F face f'er. F F F. The whole thing was one big F you with us saying f--k as much as possible--- and that was the joke. On and on with F.

While we were recording that message the phone rang and I immediately shut off the answering machine because I was afraid it was going to go off and answer. My mom took the call and we went off to do other stuff-- And the answering machine game ended.

The next day, I was working camp counselor. (Both my parents worked during the day too). And I was camp counseloring around when I remembered the answering machine game. And start thinking... 'Hmm.... I kind of don't remember putting a regular outgoing message on the machine...I kind of just remember doing the f--k one and... .' So I headed to a payphone and called my house and heard the machine pick up...

"Hey motherf--ker!!! Why you calling this house asshole stupid motherf--ker?! Why don't you go f--k yourself f--k face f--ker!? Because your a stupid f--k, f--ker....' And on and on and on... Then beeeeeep.

I was like, 'HOLY F--K!!' I was trapped at camp! (I didn't have a car. I took the camp bus there.) I didn't know what to do. So I called my mom and confessed to leaving a really bad outgoing message. She told me that it wasn't a big deal or whatever (Probably thinking it was innocent like the pirate thing or whatever.) But when she called the house she was totally horrified. She couldn't leave work either-- so she told me if anyone calls and gets offended I'm going to have to apologize in person and blah blah...

I got home first and headed straight for the answering machine praying the light wasn't blinking. It was. I pressed play. Three messages! The first two were hangups (phew?) and third was just some guy who grumbled, 'What the f--k...' And then hung up.

And that was that. F--k!

ok bye!


Blogger Mallory said...

hahahaha I like the answering machine one.

8/06/2008 11:53 AM  
Anonymous Melissa said...

The answering machine story was completely hilarious! My friends and I used to do the very same thing, but we were never as ballsy- or brilliant- as that! Ours worked out to little more than singing "NO ONE IS HOME" to the Star Wars theme or Beethoven's Fifth! Clever, huh?

8/06/2008 12:18 PM  
Anonymous weeze said...

where's the chinese story????? why did you delete it? what the F--k!!!!!

8/06/2008 12:39 PM  
Anonymous FightClubber said...

Whatch this guy beat up these two guys! LOL AWESUM1

8/06/2008 1:15 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

The Chinese guy story must've been taken down by request. I'm guessing mom doesn't mind funny stories about answering machines, but got a little too embarrassed about the Chinese mix-up.

8/06/2008 1:17 PM  
Blogger Refflection said...

Brilliant. I love it.

8/06/2008 1:18 PM  
Blogger lovechild said...

Great story you m*er effer!

I completely agree with you about Batman, but what about HellBoy? That movie was awesome!
Your review of that was all gung-hoey hypey hype about the Dark Night preview. But what did you really think about it?

Mizelle from SF.

8/06/2008 2:36 PM  
Anonymous Joe Blow said...

I couldn't even read that. Todd you need an editor your wording is all gramatically bad.

8/06/2008 2:53 PM  
Anonymous anti-weeze said...

Look. You like a movie. You don't like a movie. Whatever. Nobody cares. If you are one of these people that feel the need to inform the world of your opinion on a particular film, please stop. You are not the litmus test for entertainment. Nobody is saying "I would really like to see {insert movie name here} but first I have to call {insert your name here} and make sure he/she/it approves"

8/06/2008 3:10 PM  
Blogger Odd Todd said...

Why so serious?

8/06/2008 3:19 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'll leave you a Mother Fk'n message you foul mouthed little yap! I'm comin' down there to introduce your dirty mouth to my Louisville slugger!

8/06/2008 4:31 PM  
Anonymous PJ said...


8/06/2008 5:38 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I love you

8/06/2008 7:25 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Good gravy! :)

And this is why you are haunted by freaky weird vivid dreams about strange flying machines, zombies and dressing up in girly clothes cavorting through daisies in your adult life Monsieur Rosenberg.

'Inner Childhood Trauma' has come to haunt you...

booga booga

too funny tOdd


8/06/2008 9:33 PM  
Blogger lovechild said...

I care!

8/06/2008 10:53 PM  
Anonymous Josh said...

F--kin Awesomes!

btw, f--kin love the summer blog situation.

8/06/2008 10:56 PM  
Blogger Vincent said...

I think you just found the best way to get rid of telemarketers.

8/07/2008 8:54 AM  
Blogger zedek said...

That was a great story, tOdd!

8/07/2008 4:14 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I enjoyed recording answering machine messages from movies and TV and stuff... Probably my favorite was from Planes, Trains and Automobiles. It went like this:
Steve Martin: "I've been wearing the same underwear since Tuesday."
John Candy: "I can vouch for that..."
That was a great message. It got a lot of feedback.

8/08/2008 8:09 PM  

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