February 01 2012

Barbershop Bar-Mitzvah Bust

So yesterday I go into my local barbershop to get my haircut (or buzzed or whatever). The shop is run by a bunch of Uzbekistans (for real) and they’re always showing some movie on their flatscreen that I’d bet they’ve seen at least 20x. Recently, they were watching True Lies.

Here’s how that conversation went:

Me: Hey! You’re watching True Lies!
Barber: Yes. True Lies eez the best movie.
Me: Yeah, it’s a good movie.
Barber: No! True Lies eez BEST movie.

Whoa guy. Take it easy…

Anyway, yesterday I go in there and they’re showing something different. The barber razoring my head was showing the Bar Mitzvah video of his son. Fun video with all these Uzbeks dancing around to an 12-piece Uzbek band doing their best to cover, ‘Every days eez shufflings…’ Cue blasting trumpets.

Of course, I feel compelled to ask talk about the video and ask questions. (Why else show it to strangers?) But it went weird.

Like this:

Me: Hey! You got a looking family there! So, your son is thirteen…
Barber: Yes thirteen. You a jew?
Me: Uh yeah. I am. (?)
Barber: Then you know thirteen is bar mitzvah.
Me: Yeah.

Then silence. He sounded grumpy at me. I’m thinking like, ‘Take it easy, guy…’ Just making conversation about YOUR video playing in MY face….

The video keeps playing some girl is dancing around.

Me: Hey! Who’s that there?
Barber: Eez cousin.
Me: Oh.
Barber: You not know her.

(No! I don’t f-kin know her! Obviously! WTF! Why’s he being all rude about this??)

The video keeps playing and I see the barber himself dancing. He’s pretty stiff.

Me: Look at you! Busting the moves!
Barber: You make fun?
Me: No! No! It looks like you’re having a good time!

WTF!!! He gives me a second long look at me through the reflection in the mirror to make sure I’m not making fun– then goes back to razoring my head…

I gave up. We sat there in silence while I watched dancing and candle lighting and all sorts of stuff. It was awkward. I’d rather be watching True Lies or Problem Child. I had no magazine to hide in either.

I couldn’t tell if he was mad about the bar mitzvah or my questions or maybe he was unhappy with one too many ‘starburst’ transitions in the video production or whatever. But I was like, ‘WTF, dude! You can’t run a home video in my face then act like I’m a dick for asking the basic questions!

Why does everything have to be a thing?!

ok bye!


king mep says:

I don’t know Todd. I think other cultures express themselves differently. I have a friend from Hong Kong, China who came to visit during the summer last year and was surprised to find out that I was volunteering at my job (I will working at a non-profit organization). This friend is very emotionally and when I phone her, I hardly get a chance to talk in the conversation. This friend feels the need to dominate the conversation. She will also make a big deal about things that I don’t consider important.

There was a book call Geography of Thought: How Asians and Westerners Think Differently and Why that I’ll read when I have time.

This friend would ambush me with questions: the most recent one was why I’m not married or have a girlfriend.

Nicol says:

This is why I usually don’t say anything to anyone about anything unless they ask me specifically. I would have not said a word about that video. That’s just me. I would have just sat there and gotten my hair cut.

OldTodd says:

It always will be, peeps don’t change they just suck that’s all. Only you will get older, grow some real good back hair, not care anymore, sit on the couch in just your shorts and black socks so your teenage kids won’t bring over their dork friends cuz their too embarrased by their dad. Then you can just sit back and sip on some Stroh’s

Bob in Peru says:

Next time you visit the tonsorial parlor, bring your own video and ask them to play it while you’re in the chair. Something like a CD of an old Coronet Film science thing from the ’50s.

Egads says:

Mabe he killed his son and stashed the body so nobody knows about it. Could be just playing the movie so no one is the wiser. Now he thinks your on to him. Best not go back there and don’t fall alseep anytime soon.

On a loop says:

I said it before and I’ll say it again. 2 minutes with a razor in the shower and you don’t have to pay some hostile Uzbeki to do it. There is lazy and there is lazy.

the REAL weeze says:


Goats says:

That sounds like some bs. Fuck the uzbecks! Racists! Even against their own kind! Like the Russians!

Anonymous says:

Why do you keep coming back to this barbershop? Please do for the lolz, though. Maybe wear some sort of disguise next time just to see what kind of reaction you can get out of them. You could wear like a imigration and naturalization uniform or something, I bet they’d kiss your butt then.

Crumbles says:

I went dancing at a Bar Mitzvah once and when I hit the dance floor, I REALLY hit the dance flooooWHAM

Anonymous says:


Old Man Winter says:

Nobody asked you.

New Years Baby says:

And nobody asked you. What is your point?

Rawr! says:

I was in South America recently and made some friends out there but they primarily speak spanish, and I speak english…. so occasionally I would say something that wasn’t meant offensive in ANY way and they would react in a similiar grumpy angry manor… so once I would explain whatever I said differently, then they were happy again. Just language barrier I say!

Anonymous Post says:

I had the same thing happen where I was the only one that spoke English and everyone else spoke Spanish but it was in the Home Depot parking lot. Trabajo? Trabajo?

Pantomime Horse says:

Why did you have to drag Home Depot into all of this?!?

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