February 21 2011

Smelting and Dealting in a Relationship

At some point in a relationship– farting has to be discussed.

When I have to fart and feel the timing is right– I announce that I have to fart. Then I fart. And 99% of the time the gf laughs when I do. I often ask her to fart because I think farts are funny– but she has yet to fart upon request. She once blasted an atomic fart in her sleep and woke herself up and was mortified by the idea that she trumpeted full blast in bed. (although I wasn’t there to hear it).

I don’t mind really that she’s shy about her farting– I guess most chicks aren’t all super farty proud by nature.

But often on the couch when we’re watching TV– occasionally there will be a fart cloud appearance that isn’t mine. I’ll accuse her of farting and then she’ll always accuse one of the dogs of the farting. I’m not going to say she’s lying about her farts– but sometimes there’s no dog in the room. Nuff said.

I think sometimes in relationships the fart lines are drawn early on… If a girl is grossed out by farting, a dude can’t be all blasting farts in her face all day. Or if he’s the type of guy that thinks it’s unladylike to blast a fart– perhaps she will be extra shy about it. I’m sure there are some very happy relationships where the couple blasts farts at each other at reckless abandon non-stop. Perhaps they even play a game of tag with their farts. If that seems unappealing– then that relationship isn’t for you. And I’m sure there are other relationships where farting in each others company is forbidden. Although I feel the level of overall comfort in fartless relationships will skew lower.

But regardless of the level of farting in a relationship I have to assume it’s a good sign when farts are put on the table in general. As a topic of discussion. Putting out fart feelers and stuff. And although my gf is shy about her farts– it is up to her how she wants to handle them (or who she wants to blame)– as they are hers to be dealt in the best way she sees fit and what is most comfortable for her. Of course, my level of openly farting is much higher. But I still feel the need to at least announce that I plan to fart. Out of respect. There’s something nice about that I think. It also helps that she thinks they’re funny– because if not managed properly they can become unfunny and an unwelcome presence.

However, it is a stretch to blame a dog that isn’t even in the room. Might as well blame some beaned up ghost. But who knows. Roscoe has blasted from the other room and its contaminated the entire apartment. But I think for me no matter who farts I think it’s funny– but I think they’re something to be discussed openly because regardless of who is doing the farting at some point funnywise there is a law of diminshing returns.

In the end, it probably is just a question of timing. Like midfight or midmakeout a fart will never go over well. And overfarting eventually hits a wall. But if you can find the right balance of farting in a relationship– I think it’s probably a good thing.

ok bye!


Angry Man says:

“But I still feel the need to at least announce that I plan to fart. Out of respect. There’s something nice about that I think.”

I seldom LOL, but I LOLed for that.

Also, I think the measure of true love is if your GF is OK about you blogging her sleep-farts. She is a keeper.

Val Gal says:

When did the gf happen? I missed this.

Beermary says:

If you have enough advanced warning of your fart to announce it, then why not leave the room when that is doable? That’s what I always do, but it’s the worst when you get an “unexpected trumpet”. If I had stayed in the room with the bf, we could make a joke of it. But if I’ve left the room, then he has to pretend he didn’t hear it and it just makes it worse.

Nicol says:

Farting on the toilet is the worst. That echo is pretty loud. I don’t have a boyfriend, so I don’t have to worry about it.

Liar says:

I play fart games with my imaginary girlfriends too. I always win

Pstar says:

I give my girl cleveland steamers all the time

Anonymous says:

Damn Spiders!

ali says:

picture of farting gf, please.

the REAL weeze says:


cb1 says:

@Liar – LOL

Ploppy says:

Apparatus – the male genitalia, the crown jewels, the cock and balls.
Apricots – the bollocks, the testicles, the nuts.
Arse – the buttocks and/or the anus.
Arse-Faced Baboon – a disagreeable person, possibly someone that resembles a large back-to-front ape.
Arse Tags – dingleberries, winnits, men in the rigging.
Bark It – to throw a seven,to cash one’s chips, to expire.
Barse – the area between the bollocks and the arse.

ApricotsArse-Faced BaboonBoston SteamerBloompy

Batter – semen, spunk, spooge.
Batterpuss – someone who regularly has semen on their face, for one reason or another.
Belfast Physio – broken kneecaps.
Bible Spanker – a religious maniac.
Bloompy – Receiving oral pleasure while defecating. Supposedly Gene Simmons’ favorite.
Bollocks – the clock weights, the knackers, the testicles.
Boston Steamer – Defecating on a sexual partner, especially in the mouth or on the chest.
Bran Pipe – the anus, the poo chute.
Brown Hatter – a sodomite with a discoloured helmet.
Brown Shower – A mildly inelegant term for a seriously inelegant act. Exactly what you think it is.
Bukkake – An ancient Japanese art/tradition wherein ten to a hundred men gather around a woman and ejaculate on her face.
Buttsucker – a person that sucks poo chutes.
Carse – the female equivalent of the barse.
Centrepiece – the vagina, the beef curtains.
Chicken in the Jungle – an economy food product consisting of mechanically recovered meat formed into jungle animal shapes.

Chuckle BrothersCouncil GritterCream CrackersCustard Monkey

Chuckle Brothers, the – the testicles, the cobblers, the balls.
Cleveland Steamer – Like the Boston Steamer, but with a clingfilm shield.
Clusterhound – a person with a fervent interest in dingleberries.
Cockwash – the vagina, the flower.
Coprophiliac – a person with a disturbing interest in excrement.
Cordite – A smokeless explosive powder consisting of nitrocellulose, nitroglycerin, and petrolatum that has been dissolved in acetone, dried, and extruded in cords.
Council gritter – shitter (Cockney rhyming slang). The anus.
Cream Crackers – the testicles, the bollocks, the knackers (Cockney rhyming slang).
Croak – to pass away, to die, to buy the farm.
Cum Quaffer – a disagreeable person with a thirst for piping hot men’s milk.
Custard Monkey – someone that resembles a chimpanzee dipped in spunk.
Dingleberries – small pieces of excrement attached to hairs around the anal opening.
Dinner Masher – a man that uses his erect penis to “mash” another mans dinner via his arse hole. A homosexual.

Dinner MasherDogsuckerGary GlitterHomunculus

Dirty Sanchez – A moustache painted on with poo or what Tyler James has on his face.
Dogsucker – someone with more than a passing interest in our canine friends.
Fadge – the vagina, the salmon canyon.
Fixed Grinner – someone that is permanently happy due to religious self-delusion.
Fudge – excrement, shit, arse candy.
Fudge Buff – a sodomite or coprophiliac.
Gary Glitter – shitter (Cockney rhyming slang). The arsehole.
Gary Hole, the – see Gary Glitter.
Glass – A super-concentrated form of methamphetamine.
Hampton – the penis. From the cockney rhyming slang ‘Hampton Wick’ – Dick.
Head Mash – mental turmoil, upset, distress.
Head Pickler – a state of confusion, or someone that causes it.
Helmetize – nobody knows what this means.
Hogwild – out of control, crazy.
Homunculus – a short person who appears to suffer greatly from being a short person.
Hoon – Hooligan (Australian slang).
Horse Molesting – interfering with our equine chums in a way that they don’t like.

Horse MolestingJohn HolmesHot LunchJohn Ritter

Hot Chocolate Shake – the most astonishingly unpleasant sexual act ever created.
Hot Karl – What is Hot Karl? – the jury is still out. Hot Karl apparently refers either to defecating in or on a partner during/after sex, assaulting someone with a sock filled with poo or a lady taking a dump on a glass coffee table while a gentleman lies underneath it and pleasures himself. Whatever Hot Karl turns out to be, you want nothing to do with it.
Hot Lunch – Shitting in someone else’s mouth.
Iron Hoof – poof (Cockney rhyming slang). A homosexual man.
Jellies – see Wobbly Eggs.
John Holmes – a famous 1970’s pornstar – notorious for his tragic life and sizeable chopper.
John Ritter – shitter (Cockney rhyming slang). The anal opening.
Kipperhole – the vagina.
Kipperland – a charming term for a lady.
Old Medicine Ball – the head, the cranium, the skull.
Meat & Two Veg – the male genitalia, the penis and testicles, the evil trio.
Men’s cream – semen, jizz, spunk.
Men’s milk – see Men’s cream.
Men’s mayonaise – see Men’s cream.
Mephitic Shitheel – a disagreeable person, a poisonous, foul-smelling bastard.
Mickey Finn – a drink spiked with alcohol or drugs.

Mephitic ShitheelNellieRaspberry RippleRick Witter

Moulinex – to violently assault someone or something.
Mount Hooten Road – a well known street in the historic British city of Nottingham. Also, the noise everyone makes when they vomit copiously in the Sadist universe, for reasons too complicated to explain.
Nellie – homosexual, gay, queer.
Panel Beating – work done to an automobile’s bodywork to correct accident damage.
Pear Shaped – wrong.
Rrrarse – a vague declaration of disrespect, doubt and/or displeasure.
Raspberry Ripple – a disabled person, a cripple (Cockney rhyming slang).
Reverse Hot Chocolate Shake – the only thing that’s worse than the Hot Chocolate Shake.
Rick Witter – shitter (Cockney rhyming slang). The bran pipe.
Russian Roulette – a game of chance in which a person attempts to avoid auto-termination using a revolver with five empty chambers and one bullet .
Saigon Roulette – a less time-consuming version of Russian Roulette using a revolver with five bullets and one empty chamber.
Seattle Roulette – the doubt-free variation of Russian Roulette using a fully loaded pump-action shotgun. Popular with musicians of the early 1990’s grunge scene.
Shit Bag – a receptacle for excrement, poo, bum toffee.
Shitbox – da ass.
Shit Pump – a mechanical device used in the processing of raw sewage, or somebody who resembles one.

Shit PumpSkimmed MilkSnudgerTeabagging

Shit Pink – to become so angry that your stools turn an unusual colour.
Shit Thrower – a disagreeable person that causes trouble for everyone around them.
Shit Twister – a coprophiliac.
Skimmed Milk – weak, watered down, half-assed.
Sky Pilot – a religious person.
Snudger – a gentleman that gains sexual pleasure from sniffing a lady’s bicycle seat.
Snudgeman – a Snudger.
Spunk – sperm, curd, men’s cream.
Squash bananas up his arse – In 1994 Disney released an electronic talking story book based on the Lion King film – parents soon complained that a sound sample of Rafiki the baboon shaman appeared to be chanting “squash bananas up his arse”. This bizarre incident is referenced in the Sadist story “Nebulae, Dwarfs & Holes” and you can listen to Rafiki here. Apparently the offending phrase was some innocent Swahili/English mixup and the Disney corporation does not condone the insertion of fruit into the anus.
Streak of piss – a tall, thin and disagreeable person.
Talk to Ralph Down the Big Phone – to vomit uncontrollably into a toilet.
Teabagging – Dipping your balls into a sexual partner/murder victim’s open mouth. Popular with online players of Xbox favourite Halo2.
Weapons Grade – to be extremely concentrated, powerful, relentless.
Wobbly Eggs – Temazepam. A prescription sleeping pill that can be cooked up and injected into the veins to produce an opiate-like high. Popular in Scotland. Causes gangrene/death.

Lorelei says:

I couldn’t resist Ploppy’s hand-typed Tourrette’s. Perhaps he had a bit of the wobbly eggs?

Mr Bill says:

Girlfriend? I HAVE been gone a long time.

Just don’t fart when she’s “down there” or it will be for the last time. That is true in reverse as well, ladies.

Anonymous says:

Down where? I’m confused.

Sam says:

“Down There” = Mexico

long time listener says:

yeah… when the heck was the girlfriend added? not that is should be weird but it was just slipped in here like we SHOULD have known all along. Like, “yeah yeah, I told you about her like 6 months ago. We talked about this”. But no, you owe it to her to introduce us properly…

Anonymous says:

wow Todd you got a gf??! coolio cool!! HAVE FUN!

Sammy says:

Is your gf Ginger… as in the board personality not the hair color?

tainted says:

i bet it’s the same girl that’s done some voice acting in a few of the cartoons

Lorelei says:

Hilarious post! I’m still wipin fart-laughter tears outta my eyes. I’m from a large, bawdy Irish family, so any fart repression was out the window from birth. The fart barrier was broken between me and my boyfriend wayyy early in our relationship, as we both don’t assume our sh*t don’t stink, that everybody poops, honesty is a wonderful bonding-thing, and that HELLS YEAH farts are funny.

Amy says:

tOdd mentioned he had a girl last month in his new year post

Val Gal says:

Oh, thanks Amy! I’ll look that up. Appreciate you.

Willy says:

how the gf will feel about being introduced to world as a liar fart girl but oh well

Good Burger says:

Will you post a picture todd?

Sh!tForBra!ns says:

New Contest Idea: Guess how many times the word “fart” or a derivitive appeared in this What’s Happening. No going back to count. It’s like the Change Jar Contest.

Winner gets the empty change jar- filled with the fart of your choice. Kind of a one-time gift for that special someone.

My guess is 115.

This Old Woman says:

Todd is really a 19 year old in disguise.

Anonymous says:

Why would it matter if he fats when shes in Mexico? Wouldn’t it be better if he did then???

Joby says:

How old is tOdd he must be like 40

Joby says:

What is that cut and paste in this thread??

WTF?!?!? says:

I just took a dump so big it has a “to be continued…” sign on the end!

WTF?!?!?!?!? says:

I just posted my last “big dump” post. I’ve officially been beating the shit out of this tired joke so long that I apparently wore out my welcome.

Not that I had one to begin with.

Anonymous says:

Farts are the barometer of intimacy and acceptance. Breach the fart barrier, and you both become human to each other. Occasionally, if I am feeling wicked, after a fart, I will attack my husband with the covers, locking him in there with my evil cloud. He thinks it is hilarious.

Earp says:

tODD– You’re overthinking this BIG time. So much fart drama! Simple rule–

Never fart around a woman you feel romantic feelings for but haven’t f–ked.

If you are sexually active with her and she’s still a drama queen about it then DUMP HER. If she can’t handle your farts she sure won’t be able to handle anything much at all you do that is less than perfect behavior.

Concerned Parent says:

I am not sure this is the best way to present your girlfriend to the genaral public, tODD.Maybe rethink this blogpost????

WTF?!?!??!? says:

Stick your head in a running blender, pinhead

Concerned Pervert says:

Well, Concerned Parent, I guess the existence of Todd’s girlfriend means that you owe him an apology for that “Gay steambath” remark of yours a few What’s Happenings ago.

A big, wet, sloppy, on-your-knees blowjob of an apology.

Socrates says:

If a man farts in the forest and there’s nobody else around, does it still smell?

MsM says:

When I was younger and sleeping with my husband, I apparently farted in my sleep. He woke me up with his laughter. He said he didn’t know women farted. I thought, I MARRIED HIM?

lynn says:

Words to live by, Todd. Great post.

‘overfarting eventually hits a wall. if you can find the right balance of farting in a relationship– I think it’s probably a good thing’

Pookie says:

Lol T! Not sure when the air biscuts became something we could both giggle about, but it does take us girls a little more time to umm.. let loose. ;-P

I agree though that there is a limit as to how many are too much. More than 2 in a couple of hours together is abuse of the fart card.

JT says:

Not sure how accurate Todd’s drawings are but looking at them, his gf is quite pretty! Oddly though, her dogs look like her!!! Maybe that makes it easier to “blame the dogs”???

JB says:

My boyfriend farts so many times a day and during the night..and they sound so powerful and loud like he is going to propel to another planet!! Enormously loud Dizzy Golespie stlye. The kicker is they never stink!! I don’t know if it because just a health eater and athlete ow what??

Krankor says:

My farts smell like a cross between a garbage truck and a corpse. Plus, I’m a very farty person.

Leslie Nelson carried a little fart machine with him at all times and always pulled the trigger in crowded elevators, and pretended that nothing happened. We miss you, Leslie!

Pharmd482 says:

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Anonymous says:

Guys at his GF apartment, setting on the couch with her. Her dogs at their feet.
He sneaks a sinus buster out and says, “geez Fluffy!”
GF says nothing, he thinks he has it made….
He sneaks another smelly whiff out, and says, “D@mn Fluffy”
GF says nothing, he really has it made and lets loose another…
GF yells, “FLUFFY!, get away from that man before he shits all over you!”

Предпродажная подготовка says:

Such an enjoyable read, and fantastic comments

Dana says:

My parents fart tag all the time, and will sit on each other and fart or fart in the other one’s face while they’re eating something on the couch, it’s prettttty disgusting. My boyfriend has let a few farts out in front of me and acts kind of embarassed but he doesn’t care too much, I don’t think. I’ve accidentally farted a bunch of times in front of him and I’m always realllllllllllly embarrased. But I full blown trumpet fart when it’s just me and my fam.

Lizzlee says:

This is one of my favorite posts ever!

Anonymous says:


Never trust a fart!

You may end up spray painting your jockeys.

And that’s how skid marks are born.

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