January 20 2012

Free the $2 Bill! Enough is Enough!

So the other day I was out with a friend and he whipped out a $2 bill to pay for something. I was like, ‘Ooh! Cool $2 bill!’ He told me he now makes a habit like once a week of stopping by banks and getting like $20 worth of $2 bills. He told me how they constantly come in handy. For tips. For grabbing a cup of coffee. For something that costs… umm… like $1.75. Whatever!

I was jealous of his $2 bill stash so I immediately went to the bank and got a bunch of $2 bills of my own. The banks don’t seem to care if you ask. They’re not stingy with their twos. Just wander in to a teller and switch out a $20. Boom! You get a magical wallet of $2 bills!

This morning I couldn’t resist and a bought a cup of coffee with my $2 bill and sure enough I got an, ‘Oooh fancy…’ from the coffee girl. Nice.

$2 bills have been rare and cool ever since I first saw one and thought it was fake! Or discontinued or something. It’s got a whole different vibe. It’s weird that bill seems like it still barely exists. I don’t think it’s even ever had a serious redesign!

But I think $2 bills should finally come out of the shadows and step up! They’re too convenient! They’re too handy! If pennies can still be everywhere there’s no reason the $2 bill shouldn’t go wide.

What is this reluctance to mass-out this particular bill? Did it piss off someone down at the US Mint back in the day and that guy yelled, ‘You’ll never be big, Twoey! You hear me! You coulda been as big as the five! You coulda been a contendah! But you messed up, Twoey! We’ll never mass produce you! Neverrrr!!!’

It just seems strange that there’s this perfectly good, handy, primed and printed bill just loitering around in banks or tucked away in birthday cards or held onto for good luck– when we all can agree the $2 would be totally embraced! For frucks sake a stupid bottle of water in a machine is now $1.25 minimum! You’re still telling me there’s no place for the $2?!

It’s enough of this bullshit, US Mint assholes! Drop your grudge and let’s bring the $2 out of the stupid shadows! It’s time to break it away from the $1 coins and other nothing currency and let it fly! Be free!

And who knows, if all of a sudden everyone gets these brand new $2 bills– maybe people will be more inclined to spend money… and if that happens maybe it’ll be the pathway to save the whole global economy or something like that?!

Whatever! Free the two!

(just don’t redesign it and make it look all fake…)

ok bye!


Jenna In Jerz says:

Maybe the gov’t is racist…If I remember correctly, the $2 is the only bill with an African American on it (he’s in the group photo on the back). I enjoy the $2 bill though, and like you, I wish there were more of them floating around in regular cash drawers and not just in the bank.

skine says:

Well, it would be difficult to just introduce the $2 into common circulation, since most retail locations would have to buy new registers to accommodate.

Either that, or we get rid of the penny, replace the dollar bill with a dollar coin, THEN introduce the $2 as the new small-value bill.

Your Mamma says:

I thought the $2 bill was out of circulation.

HEY says:

They replaced our two dollar bill with a coin. We call it a Toonie after our one dollar coin, the loonie (It has a loon on it). Yeah, we are a creative bunch up here.

Another Wacky Canadian says:

Yep. The Mint is thinking of replacing our $5 bill with a coin. I wonder what we’ll call it? The “Fivie” sounds lame. With that being said, I wonder what animal will be on it?

Anonymous says:

I suggest Moose and Squirrel

Anonymous says:

First we kill Moose and Squirrel !

skine says:

Nah, that was Frostbite Falls, Minnesota (roughly based off of International Falls, MN).

spacetrucker says:

Have to go to Pottsylvania to get Moose and Squirrel first.
Then Fearless Leader release hold on Twoey.
Maybe call Fiver or Finney coin.

Okay Natasha…..let’s go.

OC says:

Let’s all hope that Obummer will be the last of the 3 dollar bills we all see.

Phalz says:

There is a bar by my house here in Morrison, CO that gives $2 bills and 50 cent pieces as change when they can. I horded a bunch of them and let the tooth fairy borrow them when s/he comes to get my kiddos teeth.

Sh!tForBra!ns says:

Figgers the first person who came up with a “reason” for the suckiness of the $2 bill played the Race Card.

The real reason is that the expression “Queer as a Three-Dollar Bill” got some hick redneck homophobes confused and they attached the same stigma to the $2 by association. There, I just played the Gay Card. My Gay Card trumps your Race Card any day.

Or, maybe… just maybe… it has to do with the fact that cash registers don’t have a place for the $2. And the average cashier is a fucking idiot- no offense- and would screw things up royally by the end of the day, get their stupid ass fired, add to the unemployment problem, and hurl the economy back into another Great Depression.

So you can see there are both pros and cons to this plan. Even I know this, and you know what inhabits MY cranium.

WTF?!?!?!? says:


jtt says:

Hey I wonder if vending machines that accept bills would recognize a “two-er”. Has anybody tried that? (at the risk of getting ripped off)….

Cool idea, OT. I’m gonna visit my bank this week for some “2s!”

Tanyay says:

I’ve been keeping a $2 bill in the secret section of my wallet for 3 years now for “good luck”, but the last 3 years haven’t been so great. Maybe it’s time to spend it?

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