October 13 2011

Bad High Fiving, Maximum Crush Hand Shaking, New Style Fist Bumping, and Lame Elbow Touching

Recently, I found out I’m a terrible high-fiver. I do some sort of weird floppy wind up smack or something. Not solid. I got flagged on it and I’ve been working on it ever since.

I think the problem with my high five has been that I’ve been more focused on a loud –smack– noise than a solid hand-to-hand respect thing. I hate those sort of missed half-high fives so I do some sort of a whip situation to try and get maximum smacky noise.

Except that ‘whip’ apparently looks way limp lame and stuff. I didn’t know! How many disappointing high fives have I given because I’ve been chasing the dragon of a loud smack? I still haven’t perfected a ‘normal’ high five but I’m working on it– so now I’ll morph into the ‘guy who wants to give high fives all the time’– just to make up for it and show my improvement.

Fortunately, I’ve always been a good handshaker. I’ve been hyperaware for a while that a strong grip handshake is necessary at all costs. And power needs to be met with power. Like if you shake the hand of some big giant Andre the Giant dude you have to go for maximum crush on his hand to meet his maximum crush. Full blast squeeze.

I also go for maximum hand crush on all little girl hands and old lady hands to show that I mean business regardless of their hand status. I also go for maximum crush on little kids hands so they know not to f-k with me as well. Also when a dog gives paw I give maximum crush so the dog knows who the master is.

That being said I’ve found that I’ve been doing alot of fist bumping lately… Fist bump ideally would become the standard for us germaphobes. But fist bump is also tainted with d-baggery so you kind of have to pick and choose the who and the what. It can’t take over altogether.

Also lately, I feel like I’ve lost touch with the post-fist bump action or reaction. Like am I supposed to make the explosion thing? Every time?? On the TV the other day I saw this variation on a fist bump explosion which seems kind of coolio…

Although that video is from Feb 2010 so maybe I’m way late on the implosion thing…

Anyway, now and then I’ll hear about a movement to transform handshaking altogether into elbow touching to prevent ebola ecoli contagion outbreaking or whatever. Like get rid of handshakes altogether and do only elbow touching.

I think it seems like a decent idea– except elbow touching is too awkward to become a standard. And too obvious of a ‘I don’t want to touch you because you’re gross’ move. But there’s gotta be a better way than handshaking. Unfortunately, it’ll take an outbreak of ebola ecoli to lock it in.

Post-plague, I’d be up for bowing maybe. I think little bow is kinda cool. And there’s no fear that I’d be doing it wrong or weakly or whatever. Only risk would be bonking heads with the coconut noise.

Ok that’s it. Ok bye!



Angry Man says:

The implosion thing has come and gone dude. You missed it.

derby357 says:

I never saw it before

Krankor says:

I’m partial to the “Weener Wag” myself.

Amy says:

Not exactly ideal for me, Krankor.

Krankor says:

Yeah – I thought of that. You’ll have to find some other genitalia to wag.

Angry Man says:

Again with the fake Angry Man!!! You been caught out faking, faker.

Only I am truly angry enough to be the real Angry Man.

the REAL weeze says:


Jake says:

Remember that crappy movie with Sly Stallone ‘Demolition man’? They did some weird high five thing without touching. Looks lamer than a lame high five though…

gunfever says:

high five faggot

papa zook says:

I think they teach kids to sneeze into their elbows now, making the elbow bump all plaguey laden.

Angry Man says:

Who teaches kids to sneeze onto their elbows? That’s ridiculous. I teach my kids to sneeze into your food.

Concerned Parent says:

Sneezing into the elbow is the new STANDARD sneeze cover FYI if you teach you children to sneeze in their hands then OTHER parents will look down on youre parental skills.

Angry Man says:

I don’t CARE what the other parents THINK. The other parents are MORONS raising MORON kids. I will continue to teach my kids to sneeze directly on the stupid people and to LAUGH in their FACES for being so stupid.

StephenMac says:

Were you joking about squeezing a dogs paw

‘??? say yes!

Urban Streaker says:

Didn’t you know Roscoe can’t walk? Todd just drags it around NY all day taking pics; its bruised forepaws limp from all than man-ly handshakes.

Bob in Peru says:

Doesn’t a fanny pat say as much or more ?

Angry Man says:

Things might be different in Peru but up here in the land of fast food and plus sizes, the thought of touching the ass of 99% of the population gives me the dry heaves.

lyonmane says:

Once the coconut noise becomes a thing you’ll be trying to over-emphasize it and just end up making a simple bow limpy lame. Be an original – initiate a solid nip tweak. Fortune favors the bold.

Anonymous says:

I go for the Nip Squeeze for the ladies, and the Ball Kick for the guys. That’s just how I roll…

Faron says:

If you don’t want to miss a high five, look at the other guys elbow when you do it (not his hand). Sounds weird, but it works every time…

Monty says:

Maybe we should all just carry around coconuts for social greetings? You do have to admit it makes a satisfying noise.

Tanyay says:

I’d rather give someone a hug than shake their hands, but apparently that doesn’t go over too well in interviews.

Gully Foyle says:

tOdd, I was recently taught the secret to consistent, quality high-fives. Look at the other persons elbow while performing. Don’t know why, but it works.

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