January 02 2013

Honeymoon Tripping: Part 1 (one update a day until it’s done!)

Anyway, it had been a lonnnng time since I’d gone away to any sort of tropical island type place. Like, all the way back to Spring Break back in college when I went to Barbados on a frat trip (where we bought and smoked a random flower because some local yokel said it was ‘Good Bajan Special’).

So for the honeymoon situation I was psyched to just go some place relaxing and hot — and lay on a beach like a starfish and read books and drink drinks until I decide roll into the ocean.

With all the planning going on we decided to use a travel agent. We both wanted to go some place crazy like exotic style. The travel agent started throwing out names of places I figure I’d never see. Bali, Bora Bora, friggin Fiji. Places I couldn’t find on a map of the globe with 50 guesses. Then she mentioned Tahiti…

We both said that sounded coolio. “Tahiti“. Seemed exotic and fun islandy — but not so far off the map that I could end up with my head on a spike. The travel agent started sending us hotels and places within our budget and we locked in on one particular ‘fancy’ resort. Approved. Sent check. Got plane tickets and itinerary. Then put everything in a drawer and focused on wedding stuff.

Anywayyy, the night before we’re set to leave I finally take the time to look up where Tahiti actually is. It was near Australia! I was like, ‘Whoa! We’re going all sorts of that far away!’ I guess I knew but I didn’t know but I kinda knew? I dunno. Just didn’t realize next stop was Australia….

As we’re packing stuff up, I google up the weather in Tahiti. I wanted to know if we were talking about 90 degrees or 80 degrees or what. Maybe 95? Doh! I see straight up every day is supposed be thunderstorms! 79 degrees. 7-Day forecast. Everyday. The graphic with the little dark cloud and the animated lightning bolt! I google through another site. Thunderstorms. Every. Day. I was like, ‘This can’t be right! It’s not supposed to rain at all!? Maybe one day! But every day?? I showed the wife and she totally dismissed it. She’s like, ‘Well, we’ll find out…’

I got onboard with that attitude. Who knows? Maybe down in Tahiti they get their weather forecast from some guy who sits in a tree and consults with a Toucan who wears glasses while they look at the stars…

We head to the airport the next day — and we’re immediately smashed with a two hour delay at JFK. I didn’t mind really. We’re were on our way! I had this great book all about Captain Cook (Further Than Any Man) and an iPad filled up with the first season of Lost. We were pretty set.

When we got to the airport I got nervous about our tickets from the travel agent. Row 38? It seemed like the back row. And I hate sitting by a bathroom. In a restaurant or plane or anywhere. I makes me crazy. Especially on a plane. I don’t need to be flying to california with a line of people next to me waiting to urinate or deuce on the other side of a wall. Door opening and closing. Dude vomiting everywhere. Who knows what goes on back there.

So when we get to the gate I tell the ticket lady that I’m looking to change seats. Tell her about my bathroom phobia. She mercifully hooks me up and switches our seats to the middle of the cabin (by the way, this is the first time I talked to a stranger and said, “My wife and I…” that takes a while to get used to. My wife and I… Because then it made me feel like I was some kind of superspy traveling with another secret agent and we’re posing as a married couple. Something about saying, ‘My wife and I…’ makes me feel like I should be wearing a fake moustache when I say it.

Anyway, we get on the plane and realize the backstab ticket agent changed our seats to the middle of the cabin. Directly next to the bathroom in the middle of the plane. Like look to my left. Bathroom door. Right there. Worse than the backrow. The seats seem extra tight too. The flight is overstuffed full.

Then American Airlines shockingly, assholishly, shows us a promotional clip for the ‘New American Airlines’… It was this.

Hey! American Airlines. When someone is smashed up in Coach on a full flight sitting next to a deuce-room. And we haven’t even taken off yet… Don’t run that clip. It’s a big FU…

(to be continued)


Sh!tForBra!ns says:

“Something about saying, ‘My wife and I…’ makes me feel like I should be wearing a fake moustache when I say it.”

You’ll get used to it. Or else.

Sh!tForBra!ns says:

… kind of like Maxwell Smart and Agent 99.

Amy says:

Congrats TODD LOL and WELCOME back!

Sh!tForBra!ns says:

…and what’s wrong with conveniently sitting near the “duece-room”?

Angry Man says:

RIGGGGHHHTTT update every day has NEVER happened here! ROFL!!!

Sh!tForBra!ns says:

“Every day” is a relative term here. Let’s see if being a responsible married man changes Todd.

AAAAAAHHHHHH HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAaaaaaa…. knew I couldn’t say that with a straight face.

Mark says:

Kim Gassiot / yeah! yeah! yeah!maren is beautiful (I mean the auactl child and the name, too!). it is crazy, she doesn’t look like a canadian! please hug her and kiss her and tell her all about the folks back in texas that love her and will pray for her and can’t wait to meet her.suz, you are a rockstar! i can’t believe how quick it all went!we love y’all so much!kenny, kim,jonah, sydney, and baby ian

Linda says:

Thank you for your comments. I have a lot of reepcst for the Hoffmans. I am sure that they and all land lords would prefer to rent an apartment for $17,000 per night like Donald Trump, but the real need is in housing for people who are less fortunate. Steve

Anonymous says:

I liked Todd better when he was single and broke. 😉

Anonymous says:

“Maybe down in Tahiti they get their weather forecast from some guy who sits in a tree and consults with a Toucan who wears glasses while they look at the stars… ”

Maybe it’s me but this could be racist. If I had a son he’d look like Trayvon Martin… If he lived in Tahiti he’d have a bone through his nose… If he wore a hoodie he’d be dead… it’s a slippery slope.

Scott Hanley says:


What Todd said could not be construed as racist… It’s just you.

Yolan says:

Call me wind because I am absolultey blown away.

Krankor says:

Well, at least you had a smoother flight. The ride gets rougher on a plane the farther you go back. Maybe that’s why the pilots sit in the front?


BrandNew says:

julie / whoot whoot!is she named after someone? i dont think i have heard the name Maren beorfe, but is is nice!suzanne, i was impressed that you looked so nice after having just had a baby, then i saw that other ppl thought so too.i know how to get comments on a blog announce a baby’s arrival!

his nephew Jordan says:

Hey todd c u on saturday

st st st stutter butter says:

How was the smell as each asshole left the bathroom? The worst is a woman that is menstruating and eats biscuits. Nothing can kill that smell. Next time fly business class, could have wriiten off the whole trip as “research” for some toon projects.

Mark says:

“Research”? Todd?


Anonymous says:

I liked Todd better when he was single and broke. 😉

Yeah he’s gotten really lame since he found a woman.

Roxana says:

Jed and Jennifer Finley / Wow, my eyes got all watery loikong at these pics. She is precious, and her name is beautiful. It will be such a joy, like I know it is with Evan, to learn about this little person God has entrusted to you and to hear His purpose for her and raise her up to be a success in His kingdom! Kids are a joy! Suzanne, I can’t believe I’ve never met you and hope one day we can. I know you are all an awesome family, and we congratulate you in such a happy time! And hey, when the fog lifts, we need your address! (I threw away the envelope from your Christmas card silly gal ) Love you guys!

Ozy says:

Jennifer / Whoa!!! Check out the hair!! It’s so not fair! All my babies were ptrtey much bald!! Oh well. She’s beautiful, and I can’t wait to get my hands on her in April. We’re still praying for all of you and rejoicing that Maren and Suzanne are doing so well. We love you!!Luke, Jenn, Ashleigh, Riley and Kyleigh

Real Angry Man says:

Hey, fake angry man, get your own name, wanker.

Loren says:

Thanky Thanky for all this good inoframtoin!

Have a website? Wanna be featured below? Send me a banner 364x40! 100% Free!