January 08 2013

Honeymoon Tripping: Part IV

(part 1 is here) Ok I realize this is going long so I’ll start speeding stuff up.

Blah blah.. We land at this Raiatea airport and greeted by a dude from the “resort” that is our final destination. On the interwebs, the place looked amazing. Fancy huts that are over the water. Snorkeling. Cool pool with swim up bar. Spa. All that stuff.

We hop on a small boat and speed through the islands of the South Pacific. At this point, we were beyond Bora Bora. Beyond Raiatea. Friggin way out. Just like Captain Cook was! I was excited. Captain Cook sailed these waters! I was historical! The boat ride was fast and bumpy for 40 minutes — and then finally, off in the distance we pull up toward a small island. We see the huts. Thatch roofs. We’d arrived. After almost 30 hours.

Coolio looking, right?! We’re greeted at the dock by some girl from Switzerland who gives the wife a ring of flowers for her head. I get one thrown around my neck. They take our bags and ask if we want a tour of the place. We’re given drinks. A nice cheery guy brings us around the resort. He teaches us how to say ‘Hello’ (Ia Orana) and ‘Thank You’ (Mauruuru)…

The first thing I notice is how empty the place is. Probably fifty huts over the water and more huts all along the shoreline. The place is friggin deserted. I ask where everyone is. He says, ‘It’s the… slow season…’ It was weird. Sunny day. But the pool was empty.No one at the pool bar. Kayaks all beached on the sand like dead fish. The place was fully staffed but it seemed like it was barely open.

I ask him where the local town is. I’m informed there is no town. The only thing on the island is the resort. I ask if there’s other restaurants. Or a place to rent a car. Or shop. He says, ‘Everything we need is here at the resort.’ I immediately felt claustrophobic. It was like being on an empty cruise ship that was docked. But without all the fun cruise ship stuff. There were two shops. Two restaurants. A small gift shop with nothing. A scuba hut. A spa hut. And a fancy pearl shop that had pearl necklaces for like a zillion billion dollars.

We’re brought to our hut. Hut 39. Which was fancy and nice. Glass bottomed hatches so you can look down at the fish underneath! Feed them bread! We had a little side deck with beach chairs! Bottle of champagne in the room (part of the ‘package’). All very nice.

But the wife and I knew we totally screwed up. We were apparently trapped at this empty resort for a week. No exploring. No easy boat ride off. No other restaurants. No options. Barely any other people. I settled in to the idea that this was going to be an extremely relaxing vacation. Like extraordinarily relaxing. Like forcefully relaxing…

We promptly ordered room service. Guzzled the bottle of champagne. And then passed out for a solid 14 hours…

When we woke up, I pulled up the shade and looked out over our view of the clear blue water. Sunny with a few clouds. And there was a bright rainbow in the sky…

(to be continued)


Sir says:

You got hosed didn’t you!!!? Man, shoulda opted for a cruise… or something less fancy! And for the money you probably paid you could have traveled much closer… I’d be ticked!

Crumbles says:

I got halfway through Part XXVI annnnnnnnndWHAM

Janavi says:

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Wimpy says:

I can’t believe you’re not payling with me–that was so helpful.

Sh!tForBra!ns says:

“…our view of the clear blue water. Sunny. And there was a rainbow in the sky……”

Well, we all know that THAT won’t last… Even I know that, and I have, well, sh!t for bra!ns.

Valinda says:

What liberating knowledge. Give me lbietry or give me death.



Anonymous says:

Everyone else can shut up, I’m enjoying this immensely.

Will says:

Grand Azur in Marmaris.5 star with everything you would want, right on the beach and 3 mienuts walk to the start of the bars and restaurants.This is a quality and classy hotel with the type of service i think you want, a place for people who want to avoid the rowdy element.It ISN’T a hotel full of chavs or loud mouths, waiters that just chat up the girls, heavy drinkers, etc, this is for people who expect the best.Don’t let all that scare you off looking because you think it’ll cost you a fortune because yes, it’s not cheap but there are deals to be had.Marmaris has everything you want too, scenery and culture as well as the bars and nightlife without being too expensive.A 5 minute bus journey to Ichmeler will have you swimming with Dolphins in the sea too.

Angry Man says:

Lets get to the s-e-x 😉

Brandon says:

I’ve never taken a vacation ‘trapped’ on a resort. I know plenty of people who enjoy non-stop drinking, reading, swimming, and relaxing, but it’s just not me – I’d rather be active somewhere like Europe, Disneyland or on a cruise ship with excursions.

Maybe Todd is finding that out too.

The REAL Angry Man says:

Sound like a cool movie. Arrive at perfect, yet strangely deserted island resort. Overly, even creepily friendly staff. Drinks knock you unconscious. Where to from here? Vampires? Organs harvested for the black market? Sacrifice the tourists to Cthulu? Or worse, its an island of scientologists? Now Todd, i’m not saying you have walked into a living nightmare, but maybe lock the door at night. And don’t have sex. That’s a sure way to die in a horror movie.

Krankor says:

Let’s see… Isolated in a private south pacific resort, champaign, sunny weather, clear water, room service, nothing to do but doze in the sun, dive with the fish, drink, eat, and have sex.

Dude, this is perfect!


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Sh!tForBra!ns says:

My votes on the organ harvesting. Or the Scientologists.

Not that there’s any difference.

Allan - Tahitian Expat says:

Todd, Todd, Todd…


There are so many things I cringe at while reading your story from the beginning. I am hoping that by part V you realized how lucky you were to be in one of the most beautiful & special places on earth.

I know exactly which spot you were at: The Pearl Resort on the island of Taha’a (the sister island of Raiatea). Like the pic you posted shows, it is simply an amazing place to be. I actually used to live in Tahiti for several years and my wife is from the island of Moorea. So I know what I’m talking about.

Anyway, Tahiti and her islands & the Polynesian culture are absolutely second to none. I realize it can be hard coming from a big ugly cold city takes some adjusting to the island life, but come on dude! You weren’t ‘screwed’! Reading that makes me wanna scream!

I hope you took the time to meet some of the local people and enjoy the island way of life as it’s a place and lifestyle that many many people realize is about as close to paradise on earth we will ever come to.

Peace Bro and Maururu for reading this.

Anne says:

I agree with Tahitian Expat guy. If I ever go to Tahiti and it has been a DREAM destination for me, it looks like paradise on earth.

The stillness of it all must be so rejuvenating after dealing with stress in NYC..or anywhere for that matter.

Tayten says:

Readnig this makes my decisions easier than taking candy from a baby.

Siebert says:

The Pearl Resort has a scuba hut AND a spa hut?

Asdahsdo says:

Hi, I’m cuban, let me tell you something, if you send him that pierutcs, you can make him get fired, because the cuban government don’t allow that kind of things.

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