February 02 2013

Honeymoon Tripping: Part XI

Being escorted back to the resort by boat definitely made us feel like prisoners who made a break for it and got nabbed. We were gone for seven hours. There’s was an alcatrazzy vibe of, ‘Nice try…‘ as the Front Desk warden checked us back in to our old hut. Hut 39.

We slid the sliding glass door shut like a cell door and absorbed the impact of being back. We unpacked.

It was ridiculous. Crushing. But also totally energizing somehow. We didn’t collapse on the bed. No fetal position thumb in mouth. We rallied. We got dressed and sprayed down with Off! cologne and headed to dinner.

The two of us strutted proudly into the dining area where a few other couples nodded with squinted eyes. It seemed our fellow inmates appreciated and respected our desperate effort — but were probably also relieved to witness the outcome of an escape attempt without going through the motions.

We sat down at the table and took note of a big mosquito lounging in our butter on the table. We ordered up a healthy $200+ dinner of vanilla fish, weird chemical salad, and squishy pasta glop. Drank two bottles of Beringer wine too. (the wife is a lightweight btw).

And for the first time in a couple days, we started to feel pretty good about stuff. It was like getting hit in the head with a rock. That initial foggy moment of, ‘That’s didn’t hurt… I’m not hurt. I just feel dizzy or something… Good dizzy. Something ain’t right but I’m okay. I hear birds. Do you hear birds?’

Somehow the acceptance of the honeymoon being a definite disaster made everything lighter. The dark clouds over our heads dissipated. Win or lose. It’s always a relief when a war is over.

I no longer was burdened with the impossible task of somehow making things righter. She was no longer bogged down wondering about other options. We were stuck like two mosquitoes in butter. And it really wasn’t all that bad. It really started to get kind of funny. There was laughter again.

We drunkenly headed back to our hut and noticed the rain had stopped too.

As soon as we got back, the wife went into a tizzy and stripped off all her clothes and immediately jumped in the water. (It was kind of a big deal because she’s scared of fish touching her. And there were lots of sting rays around. In the dark it’s even a bigger deal.) Splash. I took off all my clothes too and jumped in. Splash. We splashed around. I’d never been swimming naked in the ocean before and it was a nice first.

(I thought, these are the same waters that a naked Captain Cook may have swum around in from time to time. The same waters. The same view. I felt I was naked in history.)

Back inside the hut was fun — then we battened down the hatches and watched more Lost and accepted our situation. We set in to make the best of things. We had two more full days. Two more nights. We decided to do some activities rain or shine. I wanted to go scuba diving. Tank and everything. The wife wanted to get a massage at the ‘famous’ spa.

Also earlier in the night, our waitress who called me ‘Tave’ told us that it was a good thing we were back because on Tuesday night (our last night there) there would be “Tuesday Night Entertainment”. Whatever that meant.

It was strange to know that our involuntary last night at the resort would end with some kind of a party…


Anonymous says:

Yay Todd! Awesome story!

Angry man says:

part 11??

Brandon says:

In mathematics, it is generally recognized that 11 is one more than 10. Such as this being a followup to part X, It is logical that this entry be part XI.

Wang Wei says:

Don’t be a dick Brandon. It’s not helping.

Todd, I’m happy that you and Erin were looking on the brighter side of the situation you were put in.

Scatta Batta Titta Tang says:

I know someplace in your minds you both have vowed a deep seeded vengence for what happened. It will be nice to see how that plays out. At least it was a bonding experience be it negative to say the least.

Anonymous says:


Anonymous says:

Starting married life with a hilariously awful honeymoon will provide for great stories (obviously) and the realization that things can really only get better from there.

Anonymous says:

Wang Wei took it’s medication! Good job, little man.

I love the twist in the story. Make the best of it! Naked in the ocean!

Wang Wei says:

You are clearly a pervert and you should turn yourself in to the police for all your pervert crimes.

Japanese Yuri says:


Kristen says:

My fantasies about Todd in the water au naturel, with thousands of fishes swimming around nipping at little Todd…. are true.

the REAL weeze says:


Sh!tForBra!ns says:

OK, it’s obvious now- as if mentioning “Lost” in every post wasn’t enough- that what happened in Honeymoon Tripping Part 1 was that Todd and Erin’s plane crashed on this remote island that nobody can find and nobody can leave and there’s a hatch somewhere with a button and a crazy French woman and some Others and some guy named Jacob and there’s like this group of Dharma Initiative hippie types and back in the 50’s there was this nuclear bomb and there was a shipwreck and this big statue and this Smoke Monster and this crippled bird and this chick named Penny but not the Penny from the Big Bang Theory and this pregnant chick and this …….

Angel says:

Pfffft! For once Sh!t for Brains, no one cares!

Brandon says:

For once? More like every post he has made over the past several years.

Brandon says:


Wasp says:

You do realize that all these stories are just inflating Todd’s ego.

Jean_Phx says:

I love this story, Todd – please don’t listen to these peeps

Professor says:

Honeymoon Tripping = Todd’s growing ego

Paparazzi says:

I have photos of Todd and his wife swimming naked. I’ll sell them to the highest bidder.

Brandon says:

Photos of a couple naked…in the water…in the dark…and pretty much unknown outside the few people that come here. Wow, you are going to rake in the bucks.

Paparazzi says:

Brandon, I’ll put you down for $2000. Thank you.

Paparazzi says:

Brandon, I accept all major credit cards. Please respond with your credit card number and address, and I’ll get the photos right out to you.

If everyone else on here would please not look at Brandon’s credit card number, this would ensure a secure transaction, that would be very much appreciated. Thank you.

Brandon says:

I suspected you are retarded. You have confirmed it.

Brandon says:

You said that twice now. What is your problem? Mommy didn’t give you enough attention growing up?

Anonymous says:

Brandon is this little fucking dork that we used to beat the shit out of every day in fifth grade last year. He was so annoying that his mom took him out of school before we could kill him, which was coming soon. At least that’s what she said she was doing.

Brandon says:

Nobody loved you as a child and you are liked even less as an adult. If I actually gave a shit about you I might feel bad for you. I don’t though, retard loser.

Brandon's Mom says:

It’s not nice to bully. Please be nice to everyone and give them all flowers and sunshine and the world will be a better place. Toodles!

Case File # 6B27U says:

Brandon is stupid.

~ Case closed ~

Anonymous says:

And THAT fucker goes in the “Cold Case” file.

Brandon says:

It really doesn’t matter how many different names you post under. It doesn’t change the fact that you one huge ass retarded loser that couldn’t pay someone to be your friend.

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