February 12 2013

Honeymoon Tripping: Part XIII

By the end of the week I had finished my Captain Cook book. Amazing guy. Long story short, he started off a great, brave adventurer. One of the greatest. But in the end, ended up a bit of a dickhead. Exploiting natives. Sloppy seamanship. Greedy. Overall dickishness to the crew.

Captain Cook met his demise at the hands of angry Hawaiians who were simply fed up with his highass douchery. They hit him on the head with a rock and stabbed him like fifty times. Then he was disemboweled and then chucked down a volcano or something. He really was being a cock and sort of deserved it.

(btw he also kept amazing journals that are available here. insanely detailed and weirdly bloggy.

We were glad we had Tuesday Night Entertainnight to mix it up because we gave up on watching Lost days ago. We slogged thru like 14 episodes in and finally admitted we surprisingly weren’t hooked. Sorry Lost people. First season acting is distractingly awful (except for Locke) and the whole thing plays like an messy soap opera. I ended up renaming the show ‘What’s That Guy’s Deal?’

Anyway, we noticed more guests started to arrive at the resort with looks of excitement and adventure. Maybe 10 couples in all now. It was nice to see other people around but I wanted to warn them… Warn them away…

Like: Hey New Fish! Don’t unpack yet! First take a good look at us! Us veterans with the pasty white skin! Sunken eyes! Slumped shoulders! Gnawing on a piece of stale bread at lunch! Meet our crippled bird! That’s our friend! Crutchie! Take a look what’s become of us!! You think the wife is rocking back and forth knees to chest and mumbling because she’s happy?! She’s recovering from the massage at the spa! I saw a frenchman’s dick! Go back!

But we made it through the day and got dressed (sprayed) for the night. Tuesday night! We decided to have celebratory drinks at the bar first. ($15 each btw for a bad concoction of watered down rum and mango juice or something). We learned Tuesday night is buffet night too. All you can eat. Gorp.

We piled up our plates with vanilla fish and soaked vegetables and order a Beringer wine. We toasted to our last night and awaited the mysterious entertainment to come.

And then we heard a yell. A yelly yell!

This guy with tattoos all over his body and face appeared in the restaurant. Shirtless. Loin clothed. Yelling! But he wasn’t there to murder us! He brought with him some well-worn jokes and walked around working the room.

He tried desperately to yank excitement out of the dead energy of the place. He made jokes about his bad english. Asked where people were from and made jokes about their countries. Hit on people’s wives. Dude was like Tahitian tribal dude with borscht belt schtick.

Meanwhile, the wife and I are cracking up — but nobody else is laughing. He’s bombing. Bad. One joke after another. I couldn’t believe it. No love for tattoo face? I look around the room at the other guest like, ‘Hey! Word of life advice, people! If a guy with tattoos all over his face tells you a joke.. Laugh.’

Then Tuesday Entertainment starts up. He brings out some drummers and dancing girls who do the hip dancing island thing which is literally hypnotic. I think my eyes crossed. The wife took a picture of me watching…

It was all drummy drummy hippy hippy shifty shifty fun funny. (Frankly, it could have been better rehearsed. The girls were all sort of looking at each other to see what the next move was about. All out of sync. But that was okay..)

We drank a second bottle of Beringer wine then headed downstairs for the rest of the entertainment. The rain held off for a few hours which allowed the Tattoo face guy to do this…

The girls danced more. The guys danced more. Really was a fun show. All celebratory and Hooh Hahh! Hoo! Haah!!!! tribal style… There were more people in the show than watching but it was okay. Good show!

We headed back to our hut for the last night at the resort. Really happy to have our last night be a high note … but fully ready to get the fruck out of there.

Which will bring us to the final (or 2nd to last) post…

And I’ll include lots of pictures!


Odd Todd says:


moo hoo says:

where has that cock sucker mr. deng been ?

Mence says:

Todd. Now that you finally have a piece of ass to banf does thos mean you’re going to stop molesting Roscoe?

Goats says:

End this—NOW! You are making us suffer like you did! MEAN!

Asian Girls are Hot says:

Todd could have stretched this further by talking about Erin’s emotions during that ordeal.

Brandon says:

This will keep going on until Todd gets back. He’s still stuck there.

Roscoe has been writing this story.

Q says:

All good things must come to an end.

klobster says:

Lost is terrible. Be glad you got out when you did.

Anonymous says:

Vanilla Fish and the Soaked Vegetables would be a great band name.

Wang Wei says:

There should be more sagas like this.

Angry Man says:

Not one sex story!

Brandon says:

Much like your biography.

Krankor says:

Torch Guy needs to end the show by putting out the fire between his ass cheeks. Of course, the polyester thong would catch fire. I would PAY to see that.

Octogon says:

You must continue watching LOST. Your indoctrination into the DHARMA Initiative is not completed. You are in grave danger!

The REAL Angry Man says:

Woot! An update at last. Look at it this way Todd, no one wants to hear stories about perfect holidays, out just makes them jealous. Tales like this give you dinner conversation for years.

Captain Crunch says:

Those nautical journals are typical of that time although Cook’s were the best! His charts were amazing too.

Brandon says:

Nobody cares and your cereal tastes like ass.

Odd Todd Fan says:

Love these updates, Todd. It’s getting me coming back to your site every day. Love the comedy! You’re great!

Mike says:

I’m on pins and needles right now hoping that Todd stays safe until he finishes his story. Because if Todd gets hit by a bus, we would never know the ending.

…. Actually, we WOULD know the ending, Todd got hit by a bus.

…. never mind, carry on.

Phil Keoghan says:

Todd, the rumors are that the first leg in the amazing race (this Sunday at 8:00) is in TAHITI!!! Looking forward to seeing it. Maybe they filmed when Todd was there?

Brandon says:

Tahiti isn’t just some 100 square foot island in the middle of the ocean. It’s highly unlikely they filmed where Todd was. Use your head, fat ass.

Brandon says:

…but in my case, it really wouldn’t matter. I put my own head up my own ass, like, every day. It smells weird in there.

Sue says:

Maybe Todd is stringing this along because he knows what happened in the Amazing Race and can’t tell those stories until this Sunday’s episode airs.

Wang Wei says:

Don’t be a dick Brandon!

Sh!tForBra!ns says:

“Dick” and “Brandon” are synonymous.

Brandon says:

You must be a hit with the first graders. What do you do for an encore? Fart jokes or drawing penises on all the characters in Cat in the Hat? I think you misunderstand what they mean when they say you should keep in touch with your inner child.

Brandon says:

… and I should know, as I inappropriately touch small children regularly.

Matt says:

I inappropriately touch small children IRREGULARLY. So who is worse?

Wang Wei says:

^Hahaha. So very true.

Happy Valentine's Day says:

Happy Valentine’s Day, Erin! I’m sorry you have to spend it with Todd!

Andrew says:

Well, Valentine’s Day is over. I don’t know if you all agree with me, but girls are weird. You take time out of your day to spend time with them, and then they change their mind.

The REAL Wei Wang says:

You picked a funny way to come out of the closet and announce to the world you are gay.

Andrew says:

And you’re a real douche. The world? Does anybody even know this site exists?

You’re a real charmer.

By the way Todd, when is the latest chapter of your saga coming out?

Brandon says:

Andrew, the all-knowing all-powerful Google knows that this site exists. (The red-headed step child Bing also knows)

I typed ‘Is andrew gay’ in google…. the first search result was ‘Andrew is gay’

I typed in ‘Is wei wang gay’ in google… the second search result stated ‘Wei Wang IS NOT GAY!!!!’

My service to the patrons of Odd Todd is complete.

Andrew says:

Awwww. Did your mommy let you use the computer today Brandon?

Brandon says:

Don’t pick on me! You don’t know my sitch. We can’t pay for electricity, so we steal it from the neighbors in the mobile home next door. We can only do that when they’re sleeping or passed out drunk.

Bending Unit 22 says:

Oh, you were serious? Let me laugh a little harder – HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!

David says:

Katz – i absolutely LOVE these piectrus. and you’re lucky that you have a husband that will let you take his picture. did you see our family photos from last year? my husband is a butt.

Wang Wei says:


Have a website? Wanna be featured below? Send me a banner 364x40! 100% Free!