December 03 2010

Kicking Someone in the Face with a Ski Boot

So anyway back in college, me and a bunch of my fraternity brothers took a ski trip. Toward end of the day, the mountain had started icing over and one fraternity brother took off his skis and discovered this kind of ‘ice slide’. Like a small swoopy hill that led into the woods that you could slide down on your butt and really pick up speed.

A few of us took off our skis and started sliding down the ice slide and then hiking back up and then sliding back down again. Fun! Except one fraternity brother kept grabbing my leg and pulling me back down the slide. The first few times it was funny but after a while I just wanted to get back up the hill and stop with the stupid ice slide. I got annoyed so the next time he yanked at my leg I sort of spun around in protest totally accidentally kicked him square in the mouth with the toe of my ski boot.

He was stunned and fell over backwards sliding down the ice slide head first. All the frat brothers went ‘Oooooh!’ I immediately slid down after him and asked if he was ok. When he took his gloves away from his face— I saw his whole face was covered in blood. I was like, ‘Uh oh! Spaghettio!! Face blood!’

We got him to his feet and we were close to the parking lot– so and I just drove him straight to the hospital in my Honda CRX…

I was like, ‘Dude! I’m so sorry I kicked you in the face with my ski boot!’ He just mumbled angrily about the whole situation etc. We get to the local hospital and after waiting in the emergency room for like a half-hour, they finally brought him into the back. And I was left on my own in the waiting area. Which was a scene…

The whole place smelled like medicine and McDonalds. There was one guy moaning in pain and rocking back and forth holding his stomach. I uncomfortably tried to read my year old Sports Illustrated in his presence (mildly wondering what disease I was catching just by flipping through this well-worn slightly damp magazine). This guy was moaning loud. I kept looking at the emergency woman like, ‘Hey! You hear this, right?! He seems sorta… y’know… In agony kinda sorta? Knock knock. Who’s there? Hospital. Hospital who?’ But ER woman just ignored him. Finally, I went up to ask if someone was coming to help the guy– and she rolled her eyes and dismissed me saying, ‘Oh! He’s here all the time…’ I was like, ‘Oh…’ And I went back to listen to him moan in pain.

There was another guy who was sitting in a wheelchair and he was tied to it by a bedsheet. It was wrapped around his chest and tied tightly with a big knot in the back. So he could still work the wheels — but he couldn’t get out (or fall out?) of the chair. He kicked his feet along so I could see he didn’t have to be in the chair either.

At one point he rolled across the room straight at me–(please don’t roll up to me please don’t roll up to me) And he stopped right in front of me (please don’t talk to me please don’t talk to me)… But he quietly talked to me and said, ‘Hey man. Would you mind untying the knot?’ He spun the chair around so I could get at the knot. I was like, ‘Umm… I really don’t think I should. Umm…’ (help me ER lady! i have a situation here!) Code Crazy! Stat! I was like, ‘Ummm… Umm… I don’t… If I do you won’t like murder me, right? Umm…I really can’t. Um… ‘ And wheelchair guy said, ‘Come on, man. Pleassse?’ I was frozen staring at this big bed sheet knot on the back of his wheelchair. Finally the nurse lazily yelled, ‘Leave him alone, Carl…’ And thankfully Carl said, ‘Awww man…’ And rolled away.

Finally, my friend came out of the back with a big bandage on his face. He told me he had to get stitches between his upper lip and nose area. I said sorry again. We got in the car and I excitedly told him about the moaner and bed sheet wheelchair guy but he wasn’t into hearing my stories.

In the end, he ended up with a small scar on his face above his upper lip. Looking slightly cleft. And years later whenever I’d see him– I’d see that scar and be like, ‘Weird! Dude has a scar on his face. Because of me! And my skiboot!’ I guess it’s always weird when you permanently scar somebody by accident. Probably sucked extra for him because any time anyone ever asks, ‘How’d you get that scar?’ He has the annoying job of talking about how one day he got kicked in the face by a ski boot…

ok bye!


Paullers says:

Ummmm…. first Bitches, I guess!

Todd almost killed a guy. I did that… Crashed a sled into a tree with a friend on the back. He broke his arm. I felt bad since I was steering.

18 years later he died of a Brain Hemorrage. I killed a guy!

the REAL weeze says:


Jean_Phx says:

I don’t understand why you didn’t call the guy on being the douche in the story. He pushed and pushed until he got hurt – why are you sorry? I would love to hear how he tells it – all your fault, I’m sure.

Al B says:

Sounds like he deserved it

Captain Obvious says:

I’d have followed him down the hill and stomped his head into the ice until his face was a mangled bloody pulp. You know, to really make the ER trip worthwhile.

Plus, think of the stories he could tell… of how he wasn’t always a Quasimodo, etc. Serves him right.

Carl LaFong says:

Lot of anger with these reponses

Captain Obvious says:

Ya think?

Jeremy says:

Can I please kick Weeze in the face with a ski boot? Twice?Haters hate…what a douche. That goes without saying loser…

gunfevered says:

Strupid post

guntfever says:

im from compton im stupd

Anonymous says:


Mr Ambulance Driver says:

yeah sounds like it isn’t your fault at all to me

mepball says:

u r a dick todd… shoulda untied that guy for a better story

z says:

The guy tied to the wheel chair had me laugh out loud.

My Butt Here says:

Paranoia Alert! He’s read this, it shattered what little bit of seething revenge he’s built up and is coming to get you now.

Angry Man says:

A quick tip about ER rooms from one who knows. They have seen EVERYTHING, and 90% of people there do not need to be there, tying up the staff at all hours of the night, so they will be pretty disinterested in what’s going on. If you want them to show any real interest you must present one of three symptoms. (1) Not be breathing (2) Have ARTERIAL bleeding, or (3) Complain of a tight feeling in the chest. Anything else can wait for an appointment with your regular doctor.

And that frat dick got what he deserved.

Mellow Man says:

Angry Man- was that YOU in the wheelchair?

Anonymous says:

Shoulda killed him when you had the chance, tOdd.

(This post was so much better than your demand for improved buttons.)

Anonymous says:

ER’s are weird. When my appendix burst it wasn’t the pain that got me triaged/into a bed immediately. My trump card was dehydration, which causes a rapid heartbeat. Until the CT scan came back they thought it was probably a GI bug — I still leapfrogged (rightfully, it turned out) all those people in the waiting room.

WTF?!??!?!?!?!?! says:

Last time I was in the E.R. was the time I took a dump so big, I lost a pint of blood.

Sam says:

That’s what’s called a life lesson, dont be a douche and you wont get kicked in the face.

Bob in Peru says:

What I learned in medical school :

ALL bleeding eventually stops.

Jimmy the Juicer says:

No shit Bob! That’s because you only have so much blood to lose.

Good story tOdd,the ER wheelchair guy was funny!

Captain Obvious says:

Now we know what the medical schools in Peru are like.

Diagnosis: Intense bleeding from severed limb, or being kicked in the face with a ski boot for being a douchebag.

Treatment: First, do no harm. As a matter of fact, do nothing.

Result: Bleeding stops eventually due to clotting… or death. Whatever.

Sounds pretty third-world to me.

bark says:

You frat buddy got what he deserved. Could have been worse, st least he didn’t break his snot locker or lose chicklets. Really a crx? I had a crush on a girl that had a crx. The crush turned into a misguided stalk. I was only 18 at the time geeez! I didn’t know any better. She could drive her crx really fast though. Looking back on it, it was probably because of me. Aw crap….

Mental Yental says:

Hey everybody did you read it – BOB WENT TO MEDICAL SCHOOL. OOOOHHHHHHHHHHH good for Bob!

Bob in Peru says:

Would the line have been as funny if I said, “What I learned in First Aid Class ” ?

Jeez, these people would invite Weeze to a party for the humor and scintillating conversation he would provide.

Some people need to be smacked with a pig’s bladder.

Captain Obvious says:

Smacking people with a pig’s bladder is what the Healing Shaman does for medical treatment in Peru. Learned that in Peruvian Medical School, right after the courses on Poison Dart Antidotes and how to treat spear wounds.

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