The Wallet Disaster (+pics)

So for the last couple of days I was out in Montauk doing stuff with the family.

I played on the beach with the nephews and stuck my feet in the sand:

And had a lobster roll at Lunch:

And made friends with a seagull named Ernest:

Here's his head and eyeball. He was close! (What's he thinking? I bet it has something to do with food...):

And here's his feets (large talons):

And here's some fish that had a bad day:

The guy on the bottom is thinking, "I friggin knew that big chunk of yummy fish had a string attached..."

And here was two signs that I'd like to see outside every establishment:

Here's the bonfire where we roasted marshmallows and lit sparklers:

Here's a couple tractors. Tractors are very photogenic.

And it was all around fun couple days away quickie vaca.

BUT ANYWAY... I rented a car to get out to Montauk and put Roscoe in the boarding place for a couple days.

When I got home to Brooklyn, I drove to the rental car place, dropped it off, grabbed my bag stuff and started walking home. I stopped in at the local deli on the way to get some water and watermelon. At counter I started patting myself down for my wallet. I was wearing cargo shorts so it took extra time. I must have checked each pocket five times before I realized that my wallet really wasn't on me. Camera yes. Cell yes. Other stuff yes. But no wallet! I patted myself down five times more to quatripleflipple check. No wallet!! It had to be in my pocket! I used it to pay for gas like two hours ago! Then I patted myself down again. It wasn't! No! NO!!

I raced back to the car rental place and told them in a panic that I left my wallet in the car. The woman radioed downstairs to ask if they found a wallet. Some guy radioed back that they didn't. She asked me if I wanted them to bring the car up. I said I did. Some guy drives my rental car up from the guts of the garage. When he gets out he tells me he "dint find no wallet". I gave him a squinty Larry David stare-- looking all around his face for a lie. He stared back. I wasn't sure. I nodded and said... Okay....okay...  And then looked in the car for myself. No wallet! Basically I either dropped my wallet at the highway gas station or it got stolen out of the car by the rental car guy. There was no way it was anywhere else. What was I gonna do? Call the rental guy a thief? I left the garage and started adding up the personal hassle damage.

Driver's License. Bad. Decent sized hassle. Canceling all cards. Not too bad. I only carry two credit cards. ATM card cancel that. No prob. What else? Random insurance cards (no prob), metrocard (maybe a $20 loss there. Ok.), blockbuster.... whatever. If I really need cash I can cash out my change jar. No big deal really. I can deal with stuff on Monday...

Then the seriousness of the no-wallet situation smashed me in the face like a brick.

I am going to Los Angeles on Wednesday morning! (just for a few days for some followup meeting stuff. fingers crossed etc.)

And Monday is a dead day because of the holiday!  I only had one business day to get myself together to go away! Only Tuesday! That's it! I was walletless! Identity-less!

I have no extra photo ID (except for this expired passport which is probably isn't any help for anything)

Ok. Ok. No big deal. I'll go to the bank and get a new ATM card. I can probably swing that. And I have a stray credit card I can use so that's set. And I'll go to the DMV on Tuesday morning and get a new temporary driver's license. Fine. Hassley but... Wait a sec! I don't have any real ID! How am I supposed to get a driver's license!? How will they know it's really me? Blockbuster video card proof? And I don't even have that! I checked out the DMV website and they want alot of proof now! (Stupid homeland security!) DMV wants all sorts of stuff! Stuff that I have no idea where that stuff is!

Like my birth certificate. Years and years ago, I vaguely remember putting my birth certificate in a book with the assurance that I will always know where the certificate is if I ever need it. For safe keeping. And that random book is.... where? Which was it... something about... or something?....with the... wait... which book!!? Gah! Why did I put it in a stupid book!!? I have hundreds of books in my apartment! I stared at my all my books absolutely clueless about the clue that would tell me which book it's hiding in. I punched myself in the face five years ago for being so super stupid...

Ok that's not good. But what else. Ok. Social security card! Yes! I've seen that around here! I see it floating around every few months and always think, 'I should put that somewhere safe... like in a book or something...' (Shut up stupid!!!) Where have you seen it?! Where! Think! I dunno! I can't think under pressure! I tore my apartment apart and (yes!) found my social security in an old box of pictures. Right where I left it... for no reason! Score! Ok that's something. Not enough to get my on a plane or in a rental car but it's a start.

DMV site wants a current utility bill. Great. That I don't have. I throw out every utility bill immediately after I pay it online. It's the only bill that I immediately throw in the garbage after I pay it. To better streamline my non-existent filing system I stopped keeping paper stuff that I think it 'worthless'. Dang dang dabbit!!!! How was I supposed to know someone would want an old Con Ed bill! Ok what else... whatever... this... that... hmmm...

OK! WHATEVER! Let's say I figure it all out and I'm actually able to get a temporary driver's license on Tuesday by digging up crap all around this place. What's to say that 'temporary' driver's license is enough to get me on a plane! It's not a photo ID! Would it even be enough?! Some temporary license and a credit card? That can't be enough!

So I called the airline and asked them what it would take to get me on a plane. The woman asked me if I had photo ID. I said, 'No...' The woman asked me if I was a terrorist. I told her I wasn't. She asked me if I was a member of Al Qaeda. I told her I had no affiliation whatsoever. She asked me if I was a member of Al Qaeda in Iraq. I told her I wasn't. Then she asked me if I had any intention of bring a rifle, BB gun, or 'stabby device' on the plane. I promised I wouldn't. She said, 'Swear to god...' I swore to god. Then she asked me if I was personally Osama bin Laden. I told her I wasn't. Then she asked me if I knew where Osama bin Laden lived. I told her I didn't. She asked for his phone number. I told her I didn't have it. She asked if I had his cell or email offhand. I said, 'No...'  She asked if I was invited to his annual Arbor Day party. I told her I wasn't. Then she wanted to know if I planned to get drunk and/or high and sexually harass the stewardesses and/or expose my 'unit'. I said, 'No!!!'

Then she said there should be no problem as long as I had a driver's license with a photo on it.

I started crying and hung up the phone...

That's where I'm at. To be continued...

ok bye!


PS. Here's the WalletTest for your perusement...