Alice in Wonderland

So I finally went and saw this movie! And it was everything I thought it would be! And more!... And what I thought it would be was a boring, aimless, and disappointing mess. The 'And more!' part was just the unnecessary annoyance of 3-D dopery. Yawn and wtf. Hey! Where was the clamor for Alice in Wonderland: The Movie anyway? Is anyone still genuinely interested in this acid babble written by some pervy ped ages ago? Alice did what for what again? Did she go through a Looking Glass or down a Rabbit Hole to get to the underworld place? Who knows? Sure, this story has very groovy classic mental images etc..  but is there really a coherent story here to be had?

My interpretation of Alice in Wonderland is this:

Dopey brit chick chases a rabbit down a hole after maybe seeing something in the mirror or something? The rabbit is late for tea or something something. She meets up with the Mad Hatter who has a cool hat and likes tea. Some dumb fat twins babble about nothing. Invisible asshole cat grinning in a tree. Bad witch. Pot head bug is no help. Jabberwocky jabberwocky! Run around. Playing cards and chess pieces in a tizzy. Confusion confusion convolution. Eventually Alice gets turned into a cake and eaten by Tom Petty. The end.

I mean seriously, does anyone really know what Alice in Wonderland is all about? Did anyone need a movie based on a half-incoherent crusty old story that hasn't been loved by a single child since they invented the electric lightbulb? And for Tim Burton this is the equivalent of a high-brow content dumpster dive. Although he's had a recent success with sweet delicious Sweeney Todd-- crap like this flick and Wonka and Big Fish and Planet of the Apes is just expensive stylized junk. I seriously was more entertained by Meet the Spartans (which is actually much more watchable than you might think) than this Alice flick. This wasn't entertainment for me. This was something challenging me to twist my head into the right knot to like it. Taunting my inner child to appreciate the wild imagination. And in this case, it's just not worth the effort. Nor the 3-D headache I had in the end.

If Tim Burton is going to go backwards into old stories I'd rather see him remake something that is suitable for his darkery. Hey Timbo! Make a whole movie of classic short stories! Like Shirley Jackson or HP Lovecraft stuff! Throw in a classic Stephen King! Give em each 20 minutes or so and cobble together 5 or 6 of them. Just like Creepshow or whatever. Burton can do whatever he wants and we get this?? He thinks he's gonna win me over by casting stretched out Crispy Gloover with eyepatch and scarred face? Whatevs...

Anyway, sorry this review sort of sucks and sounds all angry. This flick ain't all that bad. But the movie just didn't get me revved up on any level. Yadda I'm sure people who really like Johnny Depp will get a kick out of him all bugged and loony. And I do like him too. His 'I have an accent and I have a thousand thoughts swirling in my head and I'm tickled by all things alive...' shtick still holds up surprisingly well-- but at this point I'd rather see this gimmick pop up in cameos. To keep me wanting more.

But Tim Burton better snap to and stop leaning hard on technology-- or ten years from now we'll all be wearing friggin helmets and watching Tim Burton Presents: Hansel and Gretel in 4-D Smellovision!--- enjoying the virtual scents of pine forests, burnt gingerbread cakes, and cooked children. (Oh... wait do Hansel and Gretel get cooked in the end? Or not? I dunno. That's another story that only qualified for a fragmented memory at best...)

Three Good Things About this Movie

- Helena Boner Carter is awful cute.
- The Alice chick didn't get on my nerves.
- There were a few scenes that had some good poppy sizzle.

Three Bad Things About this Movie

- It was impossible to love it or anyone in it (except the dog maybe)
- Alice's speech at the very end was pure untainted hackery.
- It was noodle limp.

All in all, my movie reviews have been lacking lately because nothing has been getting me psyched up! What am I supposed to see? Green Zone? Bounty Hunter? She's Out of My League? I mean what the hell is going on lately? Throw a movie junkie a bone here so I don't have to suffer slog through this new landscape of half-assed technodrift. I mean even the trailer for Clash of the Titans looks flatline weak. And everything coming is gonna be in 3-D now and forever. Gah! My feeling is beyond sci-fi you can keep 3-D. But we're stuck with it now. It's a hit maker. Like they weren't making bad movies already-- now we've given lazy hollywood a friggin ace in the rabbithole...


PS. Yes, I realize that I might be alone in my attitude toward the 'classic' story and that it makes me sound like a stupid jerk.