Attack of the Clones

I saw Attack of the Clones yesterday afternoon. I picked up water and sun chips and a crunch bar before heading in. I expected it to be sold out but the theater was like half empty which was surprising. They ran a Matrix trailer and people friggin applauded for it. 

Anyway I went in to this movie expecting it to be a big let down and it didn't disappoint that expectation. In the first ten minutes you know the movie is just way 'wrong'. And it continues to get wronger as it goes on.

The acting is terrible across the board. The dialogue is awful. Everything is too clean. The plot is confusing. I mean I know this is supposed to be good for kids but I didn't even really understand what the hell was going on.  Maybe that was because I was bored for the first hour solid and was distracted by the fact that I was bored and not paying attention because I didn't care about anyone on the screen.

I should say I'm not a big crazy Star Wars fan. I'm not concerned with the grand plan with the who grows up to be who and why and who's dad is who for what and why and who does what why and when. I just wanna see a cool movie. And this movie just wasn't. As a kid I liked Star Wars and had the action figures and liked the idea of 'the Force' and the 'Dark Side' and all that. 

But in this movie there is no 'Dark Side'. Just evil looking guys looking to do... stuff. I remember the old Emperor from back in the day. He was teeming with Dark Side. He like took a shower in Dark Side. When he went to the freezer to eat some ice cream it was Dark Side Jubilee ...with nuts. He had power over Darth Vader and you felt it. He scared me. 

And on the Force side, something was growing. Growing inside Jedis. An energy on the run. In this movie the 'Force' barely made an appearance. And lightsabers were a dime a dozen (maybe that's why Obi and Anakin kept dropping theirs during fights). Plus some 'physically limited' characters all of a sudden become mobile in new ways which makes you have the think, 'well why the hell ain't they just like that all the time?'

The last 40 minutes or so is certainly action packed but it didn't make me go 'wowie!'. Maybe I had been numbed out at this point. Or maybe I was still thinking about seeing Natalie Portman's nipple through her shirt at one point. I mean the movie all looked all super digital and coolish. But dull cool not wow wow COOL! It was like, 'yup that's a big ship.' and 'oh look at that that probably cost $5 million right there.' and 'oh look at that there. I wonder how they did that.'

I really was upset by this movie cause the Star Wars storyline has (had) so much meat to it that this movie could have been over the moon. It could have had characters, and action, and plot, and movement, and mystery. Instead it felt like... it felt like... well... it just didn't feel.

Three Good Things About This Movie
-The chase through the asteroid field is cool and the sismic charges are extremely cool.
-Natalie Portman looks good in her white suit
-The creatures in the arena scene are weird looking

Three Bad Things About This Movie
-Jar Jar was not killed in the first 5 minutes. People would have been psyched.
-Alot of meetings. And talking. Blah blah blah. Whatever.
-Obi and Anakin are not a fun team nor interesting.

I feel a little bad bashing this movie cause George Lucas has given so much that if he's lost 'it' it's a shame and we should be more forgiving. But I think if he grabbed one dude (any dude) at random who was on line for Phantom Menace dressed up as a Stormtrooper and asked him to be a script consultant for this movie- I'm convinced this movie would have been better. He would have known what was wrong with this flick. Instead that dude is probably sitting at home making up excuses for this movie right now slowly realizing that the Dark Side (aka boring technology) has already won.