The Curious Case of Benjamin Button

This movie might have been really good! If it wasn't so long. And so boring. And if it was about something altogether different. Starring people that were not those people. And directed by someone who isn't a guy who is squandering his edge to get a 'good boy' pat from the Oscar gods. I wasn't at all excited going in to this flick-- and that level of excitement in retrospect was super excited compared to how I felt when the credits rolled. It's taken me a week to get motivated to even write something about it. That's how drained I was from the experience. But now I'm just pissed. This movie is like a holiday gift with a fancy bow and really nice box-- but inside there's used dirty stressball and a 1/3rd full sample sized Purell. Nothing you want. Nothing you need. Nothing you asked for. But you look up and there's handsome Brad Pitt grinning away like there's a Mercedes key twinkling inside.

This endless movie starts off slow and then slowly slows down slowly from there. Officially derailing my interest in David Fincher altogether along the way. Why do I keep thinking this guy is such a great director again? Se7en on the rewatch sort of half-sucks only saved by the ending. The Game is fun but full of holes. Fight Club is classic. Fine. Absolute. But since then this guy has been wandering delicately like he's wearing slippers on ice. Panic Room was an acceptable movie fart. Something he had to get out of his system? Or something? Then Zodiac came along and 'respectably' doddered along in the bloody yawns. Yadda. So what's next? I heard murmurs Fincher was gonna make Rendezvous with Rama!! And I was like, 'Now you're talking, bitchboy! That's one of my favorite SF books of all time! Do that shit and make me proud!' Schwing! But nay. This Benjamin Button drizzle took its place--(NOoooo!) and it was like some homeless guy vomited all over the back of my pants while I was on my way to a party!

This whole stupid movie seems like it could have been a Jim Carrey movie that didn't make it through the system and it got rehacked to be "serious". (I care nothing about it's fancypants origin! (cough) btw It's not like that guy's not over-rated too. A really cool name carries pretty far I guess.) Guy ages backwards?! That's it?! Who cares?! Not me! The plot just shuffled around in a circle with its culottes around its ankles-- mumbling like Thurston Howell III! And the only distraction from the monotony was the uber uninteresting Brad Pitt sitting behind boring gobs of makeup and special effects? What. Ev. Er. This whole movie is simply a teenybop build up till Brad can finally age down enough to be BRADDDD! Beautiful Bradddd on a motorcycle with sunglasses! Bradddd looking sharp! Bradddd Mister GQ perfect! Gaze upon the beauty that is THE BRAAADDDD!!!! (Yeah. Great. Take away the R...)

This movie is punishingly boring and pointless (what was the whole point again? we all die-- so live life? Ooh. I Ching a-ling. I can learn that shit from House.) Plus, it's stunningly stale and pancake flat emotionally. And Fincher?! WTF! Since when is Merchant/Ivory your porn?! Make a movie people really wanna see, dope! Stop suckling at the wang of respectability and get your sh-t together! I don't have the patience to poke at this gourmet risotto concoction! Whatever you wanna call it-- it tastes like Uncle fkin Bens! Do something other than lounging in some 'atmosphere' with your actors while we watch you sip wine and figure out what you're doing there in the first place. And although I sort of like Brad Pitt sometimes... I don't like him when he's not a crazy jerk or a cocky jerk or a dummy. This is simply the Bradddd we're all sick of. Neatly cut from the pages of Us Weekly and professionally framed in ornate gold leaf.

Three Good Things About this Movie

- I guess watching Brad walk around all old was sort of funn-ish.
- I liked the lightning guy.
- It actually was a pretty beautiful looking house. (Too bad there was nothing of interest inside and it smelled like moldy socks).

Three Bad Things About this Movie

- If I wanna see something that looks real purty I'll go to a fkin museum!
- The Katrina usage was some weak distracting intrusion garb.
- The concept would have worked better as comedy. (Or simply left on Ork...)

Screw this movie and the ham fisted marketing force to make it respectable in my brain. I know boring when I see it! And this movie is boring across the bored board!  You know what it's like!? umm... uhh.... OK! This movie is like going into a restaurant that specializes in wild game. The waiter comes over and tells you about the wild boar special. And the buckshot venison filet. And the wild turkey goulash. And the baked rabbit served with head-on. And the friggin flying alligator pot pie or whatever. And you close the menu and say, "I'll just have the chicken." Imagine the waiter's expression. That fake smile and nodding approval--- barely concealing the disgust.