Dark Water

I saw Dark Water and it is the worst movie I've seen all year and one of the the worst 'horror' movies I've ever seen. It made me angry because I fell for the preview trickery. It looked kind of cool. Weird apartment house. Water. The city. Wet Jennifer Connelly. Apartment flooded with water. Noises upstairs. It seemed like it could be ok. But the main problem with this movie.... is everything. 

In terms of plot development the first hour is a total wipeout. Here's what happens in the first hour (for real). Jennifer Connelly decides to get her own place with her daughter. A real estate agent shows her an apartment. They select a creepy apartment and rent it. There is a superintendent in the apartment (Mr. Veck) who is also creepy sits in the lobby. A leak appears in Connelly's ceiling. The water is DARK WATER. Jennifer Connelly goes and asks Mr.Veck to fix the leak. But Mr. Veck says its not his responsibility to fix the leak. Mr. Veck says the real estate agent needs to arrange for a plumber. But when Jennifer Connelly talks to the real estate agent he says that its Mr. Veck's responsibility to fix it! There's back and forth there! Who's responsibility is it to fix the leak??? Horror! Should I cover my eyes now?

Ok. If you get really scared easily I'd stop reading this now because what happens next is a true nightmare. Ok... I warned you. Ok. The leak in the ceiling gets fixed but THEN it comes back! Again! Why would that happen? Spooky! So Jennifer Connelly goes upstairs to check it out and she finds out.... that someone upstairs left the water running!! And water has leaked all over the floor! Who? Why? It's DARK WATER! Causing the leak of DARK WATER in her apartment! So Mr. Veck mops up the floor and patches the ceiling downstairs. Phew! No more DARK WATER!... for now....

But then weirder things happen! Like in one scene Jennifer Connelly is doing her laundry in the basement. Everything is going fine but then.... the washing machine stops! Just stops! Out of nowhere! STOPS! So she changes washing machines and that next one starts overflowing all over the floor! With DARK WATER! She screams for help! And also her daughter is having problems too. While at school at one point the daughter goes in the bathroom. And the sinks turn themselves on! My themselves! All three faucets! And guess what comes out! DARK WATER!

I know this sounds like I'm exaggerating how much nothing (zero) goes on in this movie but in the first hour. The only things I haven't mentioned are Jennifer Connelly going on a job interview, the ex-husband showing up to take his daughter for the weekend, and then there's some other high energy scenes like, Jennifer Connelly walking. Jennifer Connelly looking at things. Jennifer Connelly thinking about stuff. Jennifer Connelly having a boring flashback. Jennifer Connelly taking a nap. Jennifer Connelly talking to her lawyer. This movie sucks so hard that it's cheeks are pulled in! And what's it sucking on? A straw! And what's the straw in? A glass! And what's in the glass? DARK WATER! And what's making the water dark? You guess it! A big bowel movement!

Three Good Things About this Movie

- Some of the shots are sort of rainy good to look at.
- I liked seeing scenes with Tim Roth because I like Tim Roth.
- There was something somewhat compelling about the extraordinarily high level of refusal to advance any semblance of a plot.

Three Bad Things About this Movie

- It was punishingly long.
- It made me angry that it existed.
- It was a disgrace to the genre and an overrated Oscar winning actress disgraced herself by appearing in something so thoroughly drenched in terribleness.

All in all this is not a movie to see. It's not a video rental. It's nothing. It is a complete zero. It even wraps up with the 'big twist' which made my eyes roll- and only raised questions that I preferred not to be asking or answering. For a few hours it made me never want to see a movie ever again. If Dark Water was a theme ride at an amusement park, the experience would be- waiting on line for an hour, then getting into a rollercoaster car that's not even on a track, then some guy in overalls comes out with a bucket of spoiled milk and pours it on your head and calls you 'schmuck'.... then an extra loud buzzer goes off and the ride is over.